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The Badfic Comes In
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Who owns what:
MST3K- Best Brains Inc.
All Sailor Moon charas- Nakao Takeuchi
Xellos Metallium- Hajime Kanzaka
Joey Wheeler- Kazuki Takahashi
James Rocket- Satoshi Ojiri (sp?)
Cecil Terwilliger and Leela Turanga- Matt Groening
Sally Buckley- that would be your authoress. Hi! :)
Lance Bass- himself of course. Nothing he says or does in here
means he actually says or does it. You know the drill.
All Homestar Runner properties- Mark and Matt Chapman
Random references to other fanfics, songs, movies, cartoons, anime,
books etc- their respective owners. Just covering my royal Canadian arse here :)
Where to find "The Accident" by Midnight-Kitsune:
TURN OUT THE LIGHTS...
(set traps on the floor, swing at the air with a bat, take your
phone off the hook, shut the windows, pull the shades, grab the semi-automatic,
stock up on ammo, turn on the alarms, lock the door, put the couch in front of
it, put the kids in front of the couch...
...can you tell I'm being a bit paranoid here?)
"The ol' gray future, she ain't what she use to be..."
Episode 28: "And The Badfic Comes In The NIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" by
(Cue the theme song!)
Sometime not too long ago,
Back in Reality,
Was an ALian named Sally
Not too different from you and me
Some considered her quite the good writer,
But still others wanted to spite her,
Wanted nothing more to bring her down,
So now she's trapped in Toontown!
(Sally: This is kinda cool...Waitaminut...HELLLP!)
We'll send her cheesy writings,
The worst that we can find,
She'll hafta read them all
And we'll monitor her mind
There really is no telling
Where the fics begin or end
But Sal can keep her sanity
With the help of some cartoon friends!
Sally! (Who the cack is Jalan?!?!?)
Lance! (I wanna go back to Mississippi! *sob*)
Usagi! (In the name of the moon, I shall riff you!)
Cecil! (What I gotta do to stay in work in Toontown...)
Leeeeela! (That's TWO 'e's!)
James! (Surrender your food or prepare to fight!)
If you're wondering about her real life
And other so-called facts,
Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST
I should really just relax."
2:54 PM ELSEWHERE
AND GUESS WHO JUST GOT HER BARTENDING LICENSE? :D
(a Moe's Tavern-esque setting decorates the Holoshack. Sally is
behind the bar, with the others [except an out-of-sight Leela] customer-ing. Witty
novelty signs- "Bartenders Do It Til You Barf" and "2 Sob-Story Minimum"- litter
Sally (tossing olives onto toothpicks between her fingers): ...so
the bishop says, "Iceberg? I thought he meant Weisburg!"
James (sotto voce to Lance): ...I don't get it.
Usagi: Barkeep, another virgin Paralyzer!
Sally: You betcha. Check this out! (just as Leela enters the Holoshack,
Sally tosses a cherry up to bounce off a wall. It lands in the glass, but sloshes
liquid onto Leela) ...oops.
Leela (wipes face off): (Resist...urge...to kill...) Cute bar,
Sal, but do you really think we're the best people to practice on?
Sally: Until the Rock Cut's taking people again, who else do I
Leela: Fine, I'll take a Screwdriver, and don't shluck all the
orange juice! I heard what you did in class.
Sally: Hmph. (gets to pouring the drink, but the ELL alarm goes
Lance: What the hell-?
Cecil: So soon already?
Sally (shrugs): Guess they're making up for the seven-month gap.
James: Smash the fourth wall with reckless abandon, whydoncha?
Leela: Magic Voice, end program and save. (the bar setting disappears
[along with the stools, causing the seating occupants to temporarily land on their
butts] and they head to the common room)
HAREM OF LOVE
(Malachite and Xellos are already on the monitor when the crew
comes in. A mysterious rustling sounds in the background)
Sally (chugging back the orange juice): Helloooo, Lords of the
Joey (from back of room, rustling through a file cabinet): Hey.
Xellos: Excuse our janitor, he's been rather disorganized as of
late- (casts evil eye)
Malachite: But rest assured that he'll soon locate today's experiment
and your brains will melt into so many Slushies.
Cecil (glares and taps foot): Has it ever occured to you that
we MAY be getting jaded of all your experiments by now?
Malachite: Not with the pattern we've discovered.
Xellos: Now THIS fic is a prime example of what comprises so much
badness nowadays- authors deciding that their fandom's innocent canon is much too
happy for their tastes, and taking it out behind the woodshed for a swift, dramatic
Malachite: Poor, deluded souls, taking themselves too seriously.
Sally: Hey, there's been some pretty damn good drama fics for
light-hearted fandoms! You've got "Narcisissm"-
Cecil: "Lisa Fitzgerald"-
Usagi: The Powerpuff Girls doujin-
Leela: The Hazel Fox Dialogues-
Lance: "Of Mice and Mayhem"-
James: "Rolling the Bones"-
Malachite (smirk): Nice attempts at blatant plugs, kiddies.
Xellos: Yes, your point is well taken. BUT, for every one of those,
you have half a dozen "The War"s, a dozen "Learning to Live Again"s, and Ruby Eye
knows how many "a little dies everytime"s.
(the HOL crew groans)
Malachite: Exactly. It's strictly PG, but I guarantee a squirming
good time. Enjoy "The Accident"- or not. (turns to back of room) Dammit Wheeler,
can't you find anything back there?!
(the monitor flips off)
Lance: Well, while they're looking for that fic, we'll read one
quick fanmail. This is Lprchn of Dth's response to the Canadian Idol MST from last
I squee myself silly whenever another MSTer mentions me, so
I have no problem with you using my words. I realise I should probably grow out
of being so easily flattered, but so long as I don't turn into an egomaniac there
shouldn't be a problem.
I'm not Canadian, I've never seen Canadian Idol, and I still thought
this was funny. I managed to get the jokes and have a laugh even though I have
no prior experience of the fandom, you did well.
Especially with that story because that made my head hurt. I think
the author must have been exchanging plot, and apparently canon, for capital letters.
Great job, as per usual.
Cecil (nod): And thank you, as per usual.
Sally: Uh-oh, she didn't mean the fandom jokes my girls and I
have are way too easy, did she?
Lance (eau de snob): Gee Sally, maybe you're just not as funny
as you like to think.
(before Sally can leap for the kill, alarm goes off)
James: Uh-oh, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
(all rush to the elevator, Sally and Lance evil-eyeing each other
all the way)
7... (It's a Southern Baptist. You wrap a gay pride flag around
his head to confuse him and you move on)
6... (It's a lemon, as in the fruit. You squeeze it to make lemonade,
take a chug, and move on)
5... (It's somebody from Portal Of Evil with a flame-thrower.
You douse yourself in asbestos, toss a bucket of water at the flamer, and move
4... (It's the fourth wall, literally. You kick and kick at it
until some bricks shatter, then you crawl through the hole and move on)
3... (It's Waggy [le shudder!]. He almost tosses a lawsuit for
$25000 at you, but you drop a washing machine on his head and move on)
2K... (Something falls from the sky and misses hitting your head
by inches. You pick it up, see it's a _tennis_ with the tag "property of Oscar"
on it, and move on)
1... (It's Sally's family kitties, how adorable! You huggle them
and move on)
(all enter the theatre
and take their seats, brushing cat hair off them. The lights darken, and the screen
flips on with-)
(Out of nowhere, Lance screams at the top of his lungs, howling
and flailing and thrashing about like a lunatic. An instant later, he stops as
if shut off by a switch and lounges back comfortably once more. Needless to say,
the others stare at him, slack-jawed.)
Cecil: ?!? What the-
Lance: (perfectly cheerful) Hey, come on you guys, we've been
through this so many times before; we already KNOW it's going to be painful. I
just thought it might be healthy to get that out of my system RIGHT at the beginning.
Sally: Hmm. Y'know, he might have a point there.
(A thoughtful beat passes. Then:)
All: AAAAUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! EEEEAAAA!!! YEEEEARGH!!! AH AHHH
Leela: Whew...! Yeah, that IS kinda cathartic. Good call, Lance.
"Now don't it always seem to go: That you don't know what you
got 'til it's Gone? They paved paradise and put up a parking lot."-Joni Mitchell-Big
Sally (gasps): A fan-it who knows Joni Mitchell was the first
to sing Big Yellow Taxi?! I think I'ma have a heart attack.
Cecil: Now, now, Sal, I'm sure there's others your age in this
generation who are fully aware of the rich history of classic rock.
Just another SBemail?
(Sally stares slack-jawed and bug-eyed at the screen, and the
others lean back slowly)
Lance (sotto voce): Uh-oh, she's gonna blow...
Sally (leaps from seat): Christ on a crutch, THEY'VE GOTTEN TO
HOMESTAR RUNNER! It's the apocalypse! HEAD FOR THE HILLS! (starts a run for the
door, but Cecil grabs her collar and pulls her back into the seat) GAK! What the
Leela: You know the rules, no bailing out this early.
Usagi: Yeah, if we gotta suffer, you gotta suffer.
Sally: But...Home...star...Runner...(agonized moan)
Lance: Look, we're in the PG region this time, I DOUBT it's going
to be anything on a balzo level.
Sally (grumble): You better be damn right, Bass.
Cecil: All right everyone, to use a Strong Bad-ism: let's drop
a train on this badfic.
Sally (weakly): Yah.
Strong Bad sat down to his computer. There was a strange gut feeling
as he sat down, like this wasn't right somehow..
James: Like he'd stumbled into a bad story.
"Dear Strong Bad,"
Lance: Do you enjoy seeing photos of unspeakably horrific women
...seemed pretty normal.
Leela: As normal as the Bros Chaps can do, anyway.
"It's Strong Sad...he was in an accident.
Sally: You see, Coach Z made him climb that gym rope again, and
He's in the hospital right now in life support."
Usagi: ...Wait, do they even HAVE hospitals in Free County?
James: Maybe it's a moldy camp bed out back of Bubs' Concession
Stand, and Homsar's the head nurse.
Lance: "Shinin' up a coma in the mornin' mornin'..."
The next sentence hit Strong Bad the hardest.
Cecil: The budget for Dangeresque 3 has been cancelled.
"He could die."
James (Strong Bad): DELETED!
Sally: Why do I have the urge to send Strong Bad a duplicate of
that email to see if he actually goes "DELETED!"?
Leela: And why do I have the feeling of an oncoming headache?
A wave of emotion washed over our masked friend.
Usagi: Strong Bad?
James: Let's not jump to conclusions.
He had thought about this, he had even sometimes wished it, but
now that it was true...
Lance: He was going to throw a party and invite all the people
in Town. Wait. No. All the people suck. He was going to throw a party and invite
himself and The Cheat. Yeah. That's more like it. Just a party with himself and
The Cheat, sitting on the couch eating potato salad.
Strong Bad began to curse himself, uttering words never heard
on a SBEmail.
Cecil: Words like gregariously, acupuncturist, and Smurf.
Strong Bad didn't even bother to read who sent the message, quickly
he rushed out the door.
James: As opposed to slowly rushing out the door.
The Cheat followed him into his hummer. Not speaking, they drove
silently yet speedily towards the emergency ward.
Sally: Ten to one his "Hummer" is like, a wagon with "Hummer"
painted on the side.
Leela: Of course they're not speaking. What's The Cheat gonna
Usagi (The Cheat, sympathetic): Reer-reer-reer!
Lance: I KNEW this was gonna be torture...
Eyeing Homestar on the way, Strong Bad stopped momentarily.
Leela: With a turn of the wheel and a "Strong Bad pops the clutch
and tells the world to EAT HIS DUST!", he sends Homestar running for his life and-
"Get in the back, Homestar."
Usagi: AUGH, YAOI FLASHBACK!
Homestar looked puzzled.
James (Homestar): Stwong Bad, how did we get into this howwific
expewiment in badness?
Never before had he heard Strong bad call him by his full name
without doing it sardonically.
Cecil: I doubt Homestar knows what "sardonically" means.
Homestar read the facial expression on Strong Bad's face
Leela: After parsing the urple prose, he got to it eventually.
and immediately stepped into the back seat.
Lance (Strong Bad): No. I meant in the trunk, crap for brains!
"Did you ever notice how some things don't really seem important
until they happen?"
Sally: Jeez Louise, Strong Bad angsting is as likely as the Poopsmith
suddenly bursting into fits of singing Linkin Park.
Strong Bad was directing the question at him, but seemed to be
talking to himself.
"what is it stwong bad?"
James (Homestar): and
why awe all my capitals missing?
"It's Strong Sad... he's dying."
an eerie silence fell over the passengers once again.
They hit a bump on the way to the hospital.
Cecil: Ah, The King of Town passed out on another gravy binge.
Homestar looked at strong bad's now forlorn face in the mirror.
Leela: PuhLEEZE. The only times Strong Bad was ever really angsty
or weepy was the virus email and the whole deal with Ali and Ali's sister.
Usagi: If this girl was trying to make the fic realistic, she
forgot which reality she was supposed to be using.
Sally (brings out bottle of Guinness from under seat): I'ma need
Lance (Homestar): Have you evew felt...not so fwesh?
All: (snort, snort, snicker)
Sally: Oh, my, GOD.
Lance (to you): OK, if you think we're being mean, you picture
the actual characters having this exchange, and just try taking it seriously. Just
James: A dash of this, a dash of that, and voila! Instant scene
No, no matter how far we've come. I can't wait to see tomorrow.
No matter how far we've come I, I can't wait to see tomorrow with you.-Linkin Park,
Sally: C-curse my...half...joking...foresight- HOW DID I KNOW?!
The hospital gave off an air of stiff cleanliness.
Cecil: What a fresh change from the Poopsmith.
Strong Bad stared at the doctors running past the eerily quiet
hallways as their ominous footsteps echoed off the blinding scenery.
Lance: The author's been struck with a burst of imagery! Stand
James: Y'know, there COULD be a Free County hospital. Didn't Homsar
once leave Marzipan a message saying thanks for sending him flowers when he was
in the hospital?
Usagi: Yeah, but he was raised by a cup of coffee.
Where was Strong Sad?
Leela: If he's smart, he's running out of this fic starting five
Worst fears confirmed, strong Bad, Homestar, and the Cheat walked
down the corridor into two steel doors labeled "Critical".
Cecil: The fact the Critical sign was cardboard and written in
crayon was irrelevant.
Strong Mad was already there, he had been informed first.
"the poor guy.." thought strong Bad of his gargantuan brother
sobbing uncontrollably into a box of tissues by the door. They walked on, the Cheat
staying behind to console his friend, and into a room labeled 240.
Usagi: Poor Strong Mad. He doesn't understand this, either.
Lance (sighs and shakes a jar): Would anyone be interested in
some Witch's Bwew to drown this fic out?
James: Where'd you get that?
Lance (shifty eyes): I have my sources.
It was worse than they thought. An easily recognizable pair of
elephant feet lay beneath a single blanket.
Leela: (snerk) This doesn't even need a comment.
A heart monitor pulsed slowly, but at least steadily on the far
wall above a small picture frame.
Sally: OK, it's been a long time since I've had to stay in a hospital,
but doesn't the heart monitor machine *stand on the floor*?
Lance: Somebody get this chick an ER DVD set, please.
James: Yeah, let her wangst up a fandom that's NOT one of ours.
An IV ran up the grey arm on the side of the bed.
Leela: And as soon as no one was looking, Strong Bad was gonna
fill that bag with melonade.
Another tube, this one labeled Oxygen, lead up from behind the
bed and ended on a breathing mask on the familiar white face resting on a pillow,
Usagi: Strong Sad?
Cecil: Let's not jump to conclusions.
the top part of the head being heavily bandaged. The small innocent
eyes looked at them weakly.
James: Must've been a bad fall from that gym rope.
"Hey little bro, how are you?" Strong Bad's voice was the gentlest
anyone had ever heard it before.
Sally: (perfect imitation of Strong Sad) Strong Bad, what's wrong
Lance (Strong Bad): Look, know I'm OOC, but it's not MY fault!
There was no reply save for the continual stare from Strong Sad.
Usagi: Fun With Coma Patients #261: Staring contests.
The eyes looked trapped, like in an abyss.
Leela: Of course Strong Sad feels trapped. The author's put his
easily recognizable elephant feet in the hospital!
Cecil: That single blanket, it's probably covered with Bubs' imitation
Strong Bad looked at the picture frame and shed a single tear.
Lance: Because even in badfics, there are certain conventions.
He recognized the picture from when he was young, a lost time
of innocence he now wanted more than ever to reclaim. The memories came flooding
back to him as he stared into this portal of long ago.
James (Strong Bad): Ooh, Photoshop swirl effect!
Sally: He looked full into the multi-faceted eye of Cthulhu and
ran away screaming and gibbering, clawing mindlessly at the walls! AHHHHH!
It was in early summer. That time when you just feel carefree,
like nothing can go wrong. Strong Sad was wearing his favorite shirt that day.
When it happened wasn't exactly clear, but it did happen.
Cecil: The badfic came without warning...There had been no declaration
of badfic, no mailing lists to warn it was going to happen. It simply happened.
Where do those days of our youth go? Can they really be gone forever?
Lance: Down the crapper and yes.
Sally: The thing is, unless most of the badfics we've dealt with,
this author can actually write.
Leela: So, what? Are you feeling guilty now?
Sally: No, I just wish she'd picked another fandom where this
would've, you know, worked?
Strong Bad looked at the other items on the dresser. A snowglobe
emblazoned with the words "You're Number One!" on it.
James: And peasants
getting burninated inside.
An old Birthday card from him.
Leela: Ack, random capitals!
James: Candy Matt has returned!
Sally: Dear God, NO!
Poop-head. mom says i have to make you this kard-StrongBab. PS.
I'm going to punsh you in the back.
Sally: Hey! That's not Strong Bad! That is obviously Stong Bad,
an entirely different person altogether! Strong Bad is a grammar stickler.
Usagi: Our favorite online cartoon is saved. Phew.
Lance: Wouldn't the letter be along the lines of... (ahem) "Dear
Crap for Brains, Mom says I have to write this dumb letter. Just remember that
you are still a whiner and we all hate you. Die faster, I need a bigger room. Not
At All Sincerely, Strong Bad."
Cecil: "P.S.: The Cheat and Strong Mad will be by at fifteen minutes
after the end of Sweet Cuppin' Cakes to hold a pillow over your face until you
Strong Bad began feeling empty once again. He recalled the message
he had written and began to cry. Openly. He didn't care if Homestar saw him now.
Leela: Like he ever really cares what Homestar thinks of him.
Lance (Strong Bad): (sniff) Poor Li'l Brudder, he's such a trooper.
"I'm sorry, little bro." mumbled Strong Bad with the most sincere
(all make gruesome furball-hacking sounds at the typo)
Still no answer.
All: Morse Code!
"I'm dead from all the loneliness and this is how I feel, understanding
everything has never been my deal." -Fred Durst, The one.
Sally: Ah, the sort of deep depression that can only be fully
comprehended by teenagers with dramatic eyeliner and Winamp playlists that's 2/3
Leela: Sal, you do realize you just dissed yourself?
Sally (cheerful): Bite me.
The moon shone over the asphalt as Strong Bad, Homestar, the Cheat,
and Strong mad made their way to the car.
Usagi: Isn't the only car in Free County used for the Dangeresque
Lance: Disassociate. Someone has just really gone out into fanon
land and not been able to find their way back.
They wished they could stay behind and help, but they weren't
allowed to for health reasons said the hospital staff.\
Lance: Those health reasons included Strong Mad yelling at old
people on life support and Homestar putting bedpans on his head and dancing around.
Strong Bad turned the key in the ignition and backed out of the
hospital parking lot. A firetruck sounded in the distance as they drove home. No
one spoke at all during the trip.
Leela: Duh. Strong Bad's the only one of them who can talk and
That night, Strong Bad stood at his computer desk and stared at
the patched up hole in the wall where his head had crashed long ago.
Cecil: Insert Pink Floyd joke here.
Strong Sad's room lay just beyond it. Feeling a strange urge,
Strong Bad walked into the door labeled with Strong Sad's neat handwriting at the
James: Lucida font, if I'm not mistaken.
Lance: Ah, the wonders of Flash.
He stared about the clean room. Of course he had been there before,
but never actually seen it for what it was.
Usagi: A clean room.
Strong Bad stared at the clock. Midnight.
Leela: Do you know where your canon is?
Though he couldn't sleep at all and didn't feel tired. He just
Lance: Second use of the emptiness-of-emotions depiction. Story,
you're on yellow flag. Proceed with caution.
Strong Bad looked at Gooblis, Strong Sad's toy lobster on his
"I really miss dumpus."
Strong Bad couldn't resist.
All (Strong Bad, singing): NA NA NA NA... NA NA NA NA... HEY HEY
" got mad at Strong Saaad, all those times back then. I hope I
don't see his name in the paper, in the obituaries. Because that would mean he's
Strong Sad is not dead.
I sure hope Strong sad's not dead.
Strong sad is not dead, I sure hope Strong sad is not dead.
I didn't know he had rhythm. Oh sure, he has tons of rhythm."
Sally: Oh, hell NO. She did NOT just bastardize "The Cheat is
Not Dead"! (makes a leap for the screen, but the others grab her collar to hold
Usagi: Sal, it's not worth it!
Sally: (grr) That chick's going DOWN!
Strong Bad said a quick prayer to himself in Strong Sad's room
and then went off to bed for that night.
Sally (Singing): Now I lay me down to sleep.
James/Lance (Singing): Now I lay me down to sleep.
Sally (Singing): I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
James/Lance (Singing): I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Sally (Singing): And if I die before I wake,
James/Lance (Singing): And if I die before I wake,
Sally (Singing): I prey the lord my soul to take.
James/Lance (Singing): I prey the lord my soul to take.
Sally (Singing): Hush little baby, don't say a word and never
mind the noise you heard. It's just the beasts under your bed!
James/Lance (Singing): In your closet, in your head!
James/Lance/Sally (Singing): EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT! LAY THE
SAND! EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT! TAKE MY HAND! OFF TO
Lance (Singing): Ha ha ha! Sleep tight! Pleasant dreams!
James/Lance/Sally (Chanting): ECW! ECW! ECW!
(others stare cock-eyed and shake their heads)
Cecil: It takes this many lines of pure cocaine to enjoy this
Leela: Ah, another line that never gets old.
Extra pale, Oh you're frail now, I shouldn't laugh about it, Tragedy
sets you free but, I should have known it from the start. - Goo Goo dolls, Extra
Lance: Man. This wangst-fest belongs out back in the crap-pile
with the Poopsmith.
Sally (singing): And the badfic comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
(James flicks a Zeppo)
The phone rang.
"Hello?" Strong bad answered the phone.
Usagi (voice): SEVEN DAYS...
"We're taking your brother off life support, there's nothing we
can do anymore..I'm so sorry."
"No, you...can't, this is a mistake right?"
"Sorry Mr. Bad.."
Cecil (doctor): But the author's holding a gun to my head! It's
for drama, I tell you, DRAMA!
"No, you... just can't ok!" Strong Bad flung the phone down.
"Strong Mad, The Cheat. Get in the car, we're going to see Strong
They sped off like a bullet into the highway. Beads of sweat dripped
down Strong Bad's determined face as he swerved through lanes.
Leela (exasperated): *d00d.* The town is made up of the stick,
StrongBadia, the forest, the castle, Bubs' Concession Stand, the basketball court,
Coach Z's locker room, and the houses. It's all one big neighborhood of various
cartoon...things. There is no highway. What's more, there is no traffic! (hyperventilates)
"No, they...just can't." He thought to himself.
James: As opposed to thinking to someone else.
The door to the hospital room broke open under Strong Mad's tremendous
strength. The Brothers
Sally: Chap burst onto the scene, rescued their beloved characters,
gave them a quick brainwashing to remind them they're supposed to be FUNNY, and
returned to the real Free County. The end.
Lance: Dare to dream...
Usagi: Now, how great would it be if the Chaps saw this fic and
did a parody of it?
and The Cheat burst in.
"You pull that plug on him, and I will knock the crap out of you."
Lance: 'Cept Strong Bad would be saying it to someone who was
gonna unplug his TV or computer.
He leered angrily at the doctor on the floor about to shut down
the life support system. Too late, it looked like it was already down.
"I'm sorry Mr. Bad, but..."
Leela: Ugh, those caps gave me a headache.
Cecil: Apparently the author thinks Strong Bad's pain isn't legitimate
unless she writes big.
A blind rage flew over Strong Bad as he tackled the grown man
to the ground. "I hate you...I hate you!" Hot tears streamed down his face.
Sally: I'm desperately restraining myself from making some connection
to Cannonball here.
He stared into the eyes of his brother, slowly misting into death.
"I love you, little bro.."
James: Boy, Strong Sad wasn't the only thing to flat line.
Girls: (sniff sniff)
Lance: C'mon guys, he's not really dead, don't cry.
Leela: We know, it's the FIC that's upsetting us!
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to
Sometimes I wonder why this is happenin'
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
Cuz from the infinite words I can say I
Put all pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize instead of setting it free I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me- Linkin Park, Figure
Lance: Wait, doesn't the Pit of Voles have a rule against using
lyrics in fics?
Usagi: So? Doesn't stop anyone.
Lance: Well, maybe if enough people report this, it'll be bahleeted
in?(calculating) Five years.
All (weakly): Yay.
"We are gathered here today to honor the memory of our beloved
friend Strong Sad. A quiet young man who .."
Sally: Strong Sad wasn't really a man. He was a big gray ball
with elephant feet...WAIT! I MEAN IS! He IS a big gray ball with elephant feet.
And, anyway, nobody remembered Strong Sad. That was his whole point...Argh! I mean
that IS his whole point! He's not dead!
Sally: Sorry, this fic is getting to me. I'ma need to watch all
the E-mails after this.
James: Can we come too?
Strong Bad payed no attention to the speech being said. He looked
down at his own feet as a single tear dripped from his eye.
James: As opposed to-
Cecil: Black card! I'm warning you now!
Everyone from Free Country USA showed up. The autumn leaves fell
around the mouners, as they had a long time ago, during those carefree days. Whatever
happened to them?
Usagi (Marzipan imitating Mimi): Strong Sad was one of my closest
friends. It's right that it's Halloween, because it was his favorite holiday. I
knew we'd hit it off from the moment we met...(Leela cuffs her shoulder) OW!
"...Ashes To ashes, and dust to dust."
Strong Bad came up after the lengthy sermon. Laying a gloved hand
on Strong Sad's cold face, he began to cry.
"Stupid, crap-for-brains!...Why'd you have to die on me? You stupid...idiot!"
Lance (flat): That's the way to show you care, man. Smother his
face and call him an idiot.
The coffin was lowered into the grave slowly. Last chance to say
Cecil: In every dark cloud, there's a silver lining.
Cecil: Just saying...
Sally: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...This fic has passed on to
a better place.
Leela: She said epilogue, not epitaph...
An autumn leaf fell onto Strong Bad's lap. He looked at the grave
marker of his brother.
"I really miss him."
Cecil: You know, maybe all our cracks have been for naught. Maybe
somewhere deep down, Strong Bad really DOES love his brother.
Lance: Do you log onto the same Internet I do?
"You do?" a familiar voice sounded from behind.
"WHAT THE CRAP?!"
Usagi (prudish schoolmarm): (gasp!) Language!
"Oh, you said you missed me."
Sally: Cat? Kryten?
Leela: Soolin? Dayna?
Usagi: Moltar? Zorak?
Lance (raspy): McCloud...?
Strong Bad whirled around only to find his brother staring him
in the face."
"OMFG, HOW IN THE FREAKIN'---"
James (to Sally): Heh, you're right, it is Stong Bad.
"I did it to get back at you, but I didn't think it would get
this out of hand. I saw you in the room." It was easy paying off those actors to
act like doctors. I'd been saving up.
Usagi: Uh, who's supposed to be speaking here?
Lance: It's like a chorus of tiny Strong Sads now.
"Then How the crap...who was that?!"
A rustling noise sounded behind them. A pale head topped off with
a rather strange hat popped up where the grave was supposed to be.
Sally: Oh God, a Homestar Runner/Resident Evil crossover has been
cursed into existence.
Usagi: Now THAT would be a cool parody.
"Duaaaaaah, Bury me deep, I'm cold and clammy." Said the head
of Homsar poking through the soil.
(all snicker, snort, then mad laughter)
James: Oh, that is SO Homsar.
"WHY YOU LAZY CRAP-FOR-CRAP! i'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT!"
Cecil: Well, the mixed emotions are just flying today.
Things were gonna be back to normal.
Leela: As normal as the Bros Chaps can do, anyway.
Sally: I think that's it.
Cecil: And with only a small headache for our efforts.
James: So...what did we think?
Lance: Well, the part at the end was funny, and frankly, the only
remotely IC thing in the entire fic. The rest sucked like a black hole...taking
all light and squishing it into non-existence, like so much light-squishing...stuff.
Usagi: Nicely put, Lance.
Sally: Midnight-Kitsune, my own personal advice if you're reading
this? You're actually a good writer, but you're just working in the wrong fandom
here. Homestar Runner is TOO light and humorous for serious stories about death
and that while still keeping everyone IC. Take a look around, examine your other
fandoms, see what fits. I'm rooting for ya.
Cecil: See? You can give constructive criticism without resorting
to constant insults-
Sally (cheerful singing): Bite me!
(Cecil sighs, and the crew leaves their seats and head for the
elevator, Sally and Lance leading a cheerful "Bite me" chorus all the way...)
AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE...
(feel free to hum the closing theme as the credits roll)
Lance (Homestar): Have you evew felt...not so fwesh?
KEEP CIRCULATING THE FANFICS...
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