Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Fiction >> Fan-Fics
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A Mystery Baklava
Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!
It's disclaimer time!
Disclaimer: The fanfic, "All I Want for Christmas", is the property of
its owner. All characters used in said fanfic are the property of their
owner(s). "Mystery Science Theater 3000" which Mystery Baklava
Theater!!!!!!!! is based upon, is the property of its owner(s). The song
Wonderful Christmastime is the property of its owner(s)."Mystery
Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!" and all characters within it are the property of myself.
Now, let the MSTing begin!
Director: Cue the theme song in 5...4...3...2...1...
Director's assistant: Action!
In the not-too-distant future
Next Monday A.D.
There was a radio named Nemo
How he became sentient don't ask me
He spent his time plotting revenge
Which to his rivals he would send
One day he found the perfect torture
But he had to test it on some innocent people first
Dr. Nemo: I'll send them cheesey fan fics
The worst I can find (lalala)
They'll have to sit and watch them all
And I'll monitor their minds (lalala)
Now keep in mind the victims can't control
When the fics begin or end (lalala)
Because Dr.Nemo used those special parts
To collect the victims
*whistle blows* Roll call!
"Call my agent!"
If you're wondering how they eat and sleep
And other science facts (lalala)
Remind yourself that it's only fiction
I should really just relax
For "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!"
Pupmon: Greetings people of Earth, and welcome to "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!"!
I'm here with my friends and fellow captives, Colba and Lloyd.
Lloyd: Top of the morning to ya!
Pupmon: Today is a very special day for you people of Earth, do you know why?
All: It's Christmas Eve!
Pupmon: Now, I know what you're thinking. "What could aliens possibly know
about Christmas?" Well, it just so happens that our captor, Dr.Nemo,
has his very own personal library, which has a book about certain celebrations
that take place on planet Earth.
Colba: Or simply put, holidays.
Pupmon: Exactly. So, we did a little research on holidays that take
place during the season of winter, which is where we learned about the
holiday called Christmas. Since Christmas seemed like such a fun holiday,
we deceided to join in the celebration.
Colba: And you know what they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."
Lloyd: You guys could've just asked me about it.
Colba: Yes we could've asked you, but we did not.
Pupmon: We've decked the halls with boughs of holly, put up a
Christmas tree, some mistletoe-
Lloyd: I couldn't find any mistletoe, so I hung up some parsley instead.
Pupmon: Okay parsley. Also, we're even going to put out some cookies-
Colba: Carrot cake.
Pupmon: Carrot cake?
Colba: There wasn't any cookie dough in the kitchen, so I made
a carrot cake instead.
Pupmon: Well, anyway, we'll be putting out a carrot cake for "Santa Claus"
in exchange for some "gifts".
Lloyd: Yep, we're all ready for Christmas.
Pupmon: Yes we are.
Dr.Nemo: *off-screen* Children, it's time for your daily experiment!
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd go to where Dr.Nemo is.*
Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd: *cheerfully* Hello doctor!
Dr.Nemo: H...say, what's with the not-long-faces?
Colba: It's Christmas Eve!
Lloyd: And we're feeling the cheerful effects of the Christmas season!
Pupmon: Exactly! And as you can see we've got the place all decorated.
Dr.Nemo: I see. For your information, lads and lassie, I don't celebrate Christmas.
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd gasp*
Pupmon: You don't celebrate Christmas!?
Pupmon: Oh, okay.
Dr.Nemo: W...aren't you gonna condemn me for not celebrating?
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd shake their heads*
Pupmon: Because we're sure you have a very good reason for not
partaking in the celebrating.
Dr.Nemo: You're not even gonna try an' convince me to celebrate?
Lloyd: We would, but if we did, we'd miss Christmas.
Dr.Nemo: Oh. Well, yer fic for today is a Christmas themed piece
entitled, "All I Want for Christmas".
Colba: It's not a bad fic, is it?
Dr.Nemo: Not really.
Pupmon: So, it's a good fic?
Dr.Nemo: I didn't say that.
Colba: But if it's not a bad fic, then it must be a good fic, right?
Pupmon: Doctor, are you giving us this good fic for Christmas?
Dr.Nemo: I didn't say that.
Lloyd: But you wouldn't give us a good fic for no reason, would you?
Dr.Nemo: Well no, but-
Pupmon: Ah, come on doctor admit it, you're giving us this fic as a
present and you know it.
Colba: And you say you don't celebrate Christmas.
Dr.Nemo: Well, I... oh, just go ahead and get on with the bloomin' experiment!
Pupmon: Okay doctor, but not before we receive a merry FANFIC SIGN!
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd take their seats*
Lloyd: Where are we supposed to take them?
Pupmon: Sit down Lloyd.
<All I Want For Christmas>
Colba: Is my two front teeth.
< (A humorous Christmas fic with various animes)
Any and all CC is appreciated. You can contact me at>
All of my fics are stored at the following:
Larry F's new address
And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at
Lloyd: At At?
<Or RC books>
Pupmon: Really Compatible?
Colba: Red Cereal?
Lloyd: Radical Christian?
<Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of the series about to be used>
Pupmon: Sure you don't.
<As Santa Claus sat in his gilded throne,>
All: *sing* Bow down, bow down, before the power of Santa!
<he looked around the vast underground chamber,
one that was dank and radiated an aura of dreariness.
Neither seating arrangement nor location were his preferred style,>
Lloyd: *as Santa* I'd rather be on a beach chair in Florida.
<and it caused him some small measure of distress.
Santa turned to one of the numerous elves milling about
behind the throne and said in curious tones,>
Colba: *as Santa* Where's the restroom?
<"This isn't the usual mall or department store deal, is it?"
An elf separated himself from the rest and answered the question.
"We rented it from some organization known as ACROSS.>
Pupmon: Aardvarks Craving Ravioli Over Southern Skies?
<It was one of the few places available at the last minute.
Apparently the organization is suffering from cash flow problems
and we got it at a great rate."
<Santa said, becoming jolly despite the dreariness of the chamber.
Nothing could depress him now. This was his favorite time of the year,>
Pupmon: *sings* It's the most wonderful time of the year...
<and he was about to engage in one of his favorite pastimes:>
<having people sit on his lap
and tell him what they would like for Christmas.>
Colba: I want a Corvette, a new spaceship, a goat, a jacuzzi...
Colba: What? Oh, sorry.
<After they made their requests, staring at him with their hopeful faces,
he would then reach into his bag and give them what they really needed or deserved.>
Lloyd: Like a good spanking.
<Santa turned to the nearby elf again.
"And what sort of group are we about to see this time?
Orphans? School children? Former political figures? I have lots of coal for them."
"A rather... unique collection of individuals" the elf said hesitantly.>
Pupmon: Movie stars?
Colba: Disc jockies?
Lloyd: The PTA?
<"Why don't we send them in and you can see for yourself?"
He turned to another elf who stood near the doorway leading into the chamber. "
All right! Let 'em in, and may god have mercy on us all.">
Lloyd: Oh sure, don't capitalize God's name.
<The door was opened and out came a stream of what was indeed unique individuals.
Santa was taken aback.>
Colba: *as Santa* Telemarketers!?
<"Anime actors? Why didn't you warn m-"
Santa broke off as he realized the elf he had been talking to
had decided being elsewhere would be a good idea.>
Lloyd: *as Santa* Note to self: Fire that elf. Hey, that rhymes!
<There was nothing to be done now. Santa would endure, as he always did.
Luckily, due to his being Santa, he knew this motley group of individuals
that had come from the various corners of time, space, alternate dimensions,
and in the case of the Gunsmith Cats, Chicago.>
Colba: *sings* I heard my mama cry...
All: *sing* I heard her pray the night Chicago died...
<It was easier to bridge the gap in realities than
traveling out of O'Hare this time of year.
Santa looked at the first person in line.
It was a young girl, thin and pale, with a face that lacked emotion.>
Colba: *as Santa* Oh, hi Linda Blair.
<If she wanted a tanning bed, it would be hers.
"Come here child." He patted his lap.
She did so, sitting almost mechanically on his lap.
"What's your name?" Santa asked.>
Pupmon: *as Sigourney Weaver* I am the Gatekeeper.
<He already knew it, but it was only polite to formally introduce oneself.
"Tokiko Mima, but everybody calls Key, Key,"
she said in a flat, emotionless voice.
"And what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asked.>
Pupmon: *as Key* A personality.
<"Key would like a thousand friends, so Key can become a real girl.">
Lloyd: *as Santa* Who do I look like? The Blue Fairy?
<Santa smiled warmly "Well you've certainly made a friend today."
He turned to the dozens of his helpers lining the room behind him.
"And I'm sure all my elves consider you one as well."
"I'm not much into skinny girls," a voice near that back commented.
It was followed by a toy hammer squeaking as it impacted with his head.
"Just kidding. She's cool.">
Colba: *as the elf* Not!
<Santa winked in approval at his helpers.
"How's that?" the jolly man asked Key.
"It's a start," Key admitted.>
Pupmon: *as Key* 20 down, 980 more to go.
<He then reached into his bag and handed Key a medicine bottle.
"What is this?" Key asked.
Colba: *as Santa* Knock yourself out.
<Take the recommended dosage on the label,
and I think the world will become a brighter place."
He continued smiling warmly as Key walked away. "Next."
A lanky man wearing a long red overcoat, yellow sunglasses,
and a head of blonde hair that stood up so straight
it resembled a broom full of bristles, came over.>
All: Nick Carter!?
<He plopped himself down on Santa.
Luckily, Santa's lap was strong enough to withstand the weight
of an overgrown child trapped in a man's body.
"And you are?" Santa asked.>
Lloyd: *as Vash* The name's Stampede, Vash the Stampede.
<"Vash, the Stampede."
"And what would you like for Christmas?">
He held up his hand, twisting his middle and ring finger around
and boldly shouted out to the world, "I want love and...!" He trailed off, embarrassed.
"Peace?" Santa prodded.
"I was thinking of a glazed doughnut with sprinkles, actually.">
Colba: *as Homer Simpson* Mmmmmmmm...doughnuts.
<"Hmm." He reached into his bag and pulled out a circular object,
examining it closely.
"How about a powdered jelly?"
"Deal!" Vash accepted the doughnut and hopped off Santa's lap. >
Pupmon: Oh sure, take doughnuts from Santa when you can go and
buy one. Jeez.
<He was quickly replaced by a tall, thin man that strongly resembled Vash,
save that his hair was shorter and his eyes gleamed insanely.
"And you are?"
"Knives," the man said.
"And what do you want for Christmas?"
"All I want for Christmas is genocide for the human race, the stinking maggots!
I want every one of those twisted creatures dead and buried
so I can dance on their hated remains.
And kill all the spiders while you're at it, too.
I'm tired of them eating all the butterflies.">
Colba: Birds eats butterflies too, you know.
<Santa reached into his bag, pulled out an item, and pressed it into Knives' hand.
Knives looked down at it. "Crap! Coal again! I get this every year!">
Pupmon: You know, he could cause planet wide air pollution with all that
coal he has.
<Elves grabbed Knives and pulled his complaining form from Santa's lap,
dragging him away as he railed madly at humanity.>
Colba: *as Knives* When I take over the planet, you'll be the first one
to go, Santa!
<A group of people moved forward next.
Santa noticed the majority of them were women,>
Lloyd: *as Santa* Oh great, fangirls.
<ranging in age from high school to college to an older woman in her thirties.
They were clustered around a young man with glasses that laughed sheepishly.
Santa heard the name, "Keitaro" mentioned several times.
"Next?" Santa prodded, when it seemed no one wanted to move toward him first.>
Colba: *as Santa* Come on people, I haven't got all year.
<One of the youngest of the girls timidly moved forward.
She tentatively sat in Santa's lap.
"And you are?">
Pupmon: *as the girl* Shirley Temple.
<"Shinobu," she said timidly
"And what do you want for Christmas?"
She took a deep breath and blurted out, "I want a Keitaro of my very own!">
Pupmon: *sings* I want a Keitaro for Christmas...
<"Hey!" one of the older girls, with two springy forelocks, cried out.
"Let me see what I have here." Santa rummaged through his bag,
eventually pulling out an object and handing it to Shinobu. "
There you go. A Keitaro of your very own."
Shinobu looked at the item he handed her.
"This is just a plushie that looks like Keitaro."
"It's even better that than the original," Santa insisted.>
Colba: *as Santa* It's inflatable.
<"It has just as much personality and twice the decisiveness.
Pull the cord and see."
Shinobu found the cord in question and pulled.
The doll said in a voice identical to its namesake,>
Lloyd: *as Keitaro plushie* Eat my shorts.
<"I choose you, Shinobu.">
Lloyd: *as Keitaro a la Ash Ketchum* Shinobu, Fireball Attack!
Pupmon: *as Shinobu a la Pikachu* Shinobu!
<Shinobu stared at the doll in awe. "Wow! You're right.
He is more decisive, and charismatic."
Clutching the doll to her breast,
she rose from Santa's lap and returned to the waiting group.
Keitaro was fuming. "I object! I have personality. And I am decisive, sort of.">
Colba: *in Southern accent* That boy has as much personality as a day-old
<"Absolutely," Naru agreed as she looked deeply into the eyes of the man she loved.
"You have plenty of personality, as far as I'm concerned.
And you're very handsome and decisive when you have to be.
It's just a slander against your character.
Obviously Santa doesn't know you at all."
Keitaro cleared his throat. "Naru?"
"You're talking to the plushie!">
Lloyd: If he has such a great personality, why was she talking
to the plushie?
<"Oops." Naru turned away from the plushie
Shinobu was holding protectively and relocated the original Keitaro.>
Pupmon: You know you're confused when you mistake a plushie
for the real thing.
<Keitaro's scowl deepened. "I am too decisive,
especially when compared to that Tenchi Masaki weenie
who never chose a girl in his series.">
Lloyd: You know, if you squint and tilt your head a little to
the right, Tenchi does sort of resemble a hot dog.
*Pupmon and Colba stare at Lloyd*
<Keitaro suddenly found a blade of pure energy
held mere centimeters from his throat.
He looked up to see a trio of people that had been standing
behind the Hinata group had moved up slightly.
Tenchi kept his sword pointed at Keitaro.>
Colba: *as Tenchi* Take it back, take it back!
<Softly he intoned, "Decisive. Indecisive. I'm the one with the energy sword.">
Pupmon: Well, Tenchi may have a sword, but Keitaro has personality.
<"Point taken." Keitaro would have gulped,
except that would have resulted in the loss of his Adam's apple.
"Next," Santa called out, defusing the situation by
reminding everyone of why they were here.>
Lloyd: Impaitent, isn't he?
<Mitsune walked up next.
She slipped into Santa's lap and tickled his chin through his beard.
Santa chuckled at the gesture,
not that she could score any brownie points this late in the game. >
Lloyd: *as Santa* I'm a married man, I'm a married man, I'm...
<"And what do you want for Christmas?"
"A Seta of my very own.">
<That caught Haruka's attention. "Hell, you can have mine. I sort of wore him out."
It was then Santa noticed the shriveled up heap curled up in a ball at Haruka's feet.
Softly it moaned, "No more.>
Colba: *sings* No more, no more, no more, no more...
<I can't do it anymore.
Four times a day, six days a week, is too much for any man. I have limits."
It was one of the most pathetic things Santa had ever seen.
Mitsune looked at him appraisingly. "Wears out quick, does he?"
Haruka nodded sadly.
"I changed my mind.>
Lloyd: *as Mitsune* I'd like a Nintendo.
<I'll take a Keitaro, instead," Mitsune informed Santa.
He fished out another plushie and handed it to Mistune.
She gushed as she walked away. "Next," he called out.
Ryouko and Ayeka, unable to contain themselves, moved forward.
Each tried to pass the other, but they ended up neck and neck.>
Colba: What happened to the rest of their bodies?
<They both arrived at Santa's lap at the same time.
"I was here, first, you snob!"
Ryouko cried out, trying to shove her rival out of the way.
"Uncouth barbarian! Make way for your better!">
Pupmon: Better what?
<Ayeka snarled as she attempted the same.
"Now, now, ladies," the jolly man with the rosy cheeks soothed.
"Santa's lap is big enough for both of you at the same time.">
<The girls exchanged wary glares with one another,
but they didn't argue further as they each sat on opposite sides of Santa's lap.
"And what do you want for Christmas?"
Ayeka spoke first. "I want some of that decisiveness material
you spoke of earlier for Lord Tenchi."
Ryouko nodded. "I want the same thing.
And I don't mean no plushie, either.">
<Santa shrugged. He reached into his bag,
and handed both girls what they wanted.>
Colba: Two tickets to see the Rolling Stones live in concert!
<They leapt to their feet and all but flew to Tenchi.
"Take this!" they cried out as one.
Tenchi accepted their offerings.
His eyes seemed to glaze over as the double dose of decisiveness took effect.>
Lloyd: *as Tenchi, stoned* Hey, look at all the pretty colors...
<"Who do you love, Tenchi?" Ryouko asked.
"Yes, Lord Tenchi, who do you wish to spend the rest of your life with?">
Colba: Yeah, Tenchi, use that decisiveness already!
<Tenchi placed his hands on his hips, a look of sternness on his features.
"I know now whom my heart belongs to."
"Yes?" the girls cried out as one.>
Lloyd: *imitates a drum roll*
<"It's you!" Tenchi cried out as he took the hand of the girl in question.>
Pupmon: You who?
<Mitsune looked down at the hand that was now entrapped within Tenchi's.
Tenchi peered deeply into Mitsune's eyes.
"From the instant I saw you,
I knew only a woman of your quick wit and beauty could be the one for me."
"Hot damn! It's about time someone appreciated me!"
Mitsune tossed the Keitaro doll aside and ran off hand-in-hand with Tenchi.>
*Pupmon and Colba stare at Lloyd*
<Ryouko and Ayeka stared stupidly in the direction
the love of their lives had departed.>
Pupmon: *as Ryouko* What just happened here?
Lloyd: *as Ayeka* I have no idea.
<Santa turned his attention away from the spectacle
and back to the next person in line.
"Make way! Make way!>
Colba: *sings* Make way for Prince Ali...
<Important people coming through!"
a young girl with orange-blonde hair shouted,
dragging a pale girl of about the same age,
but with long black-hair, along with her by the hand.>
Pupmon: * as little girl* But Mommy, I don't wanna see Santa Claus today!
<The energetic girl looked at the mass of people.
"Wow! The recruitment drive sure has been successful, hasn't, Ha-Chan?"
"Yes, Sempai," the raven-haired girl said weakly.
The more energetic of the duo forced her way forward through the
people in front of her until she was standing before the throne.
She saluted and shouted,>
All: Hail Illpalazo!
<Might I say that while you seem to have put on some weight,
red really is your color, and that beard makes you look very sexy.">
Lloyd: Excel, have you been staring at the sun again?
<"While that's very flattering,
I'm afraid you have me mistaken for someone else. I'm Santa Claus."
Excel's eyes widened. She turned to Hyatt.
"Wow! Lord Illpalazo really goes all out for these Christmas parties.
Who would have thought our budget was big enough
to hire the one and only Santa Claus?">
Pupmon: *as Excel* Because all we could afford last year was some
skinny guy in a costume.
<"Indeed." Hyatt coughed.
Santa pointed to Excel.
"Come sit on my lap, and tell me what you would like for Christmas."
Excel leapt onto his lap with an unbridled enthusiasm that everyone before her lacked.
Colba: Rev, eat your heart out.
<Santa reached into his bag and handed Excel a rubber tube
with a needle at one end and a vial with some sort of fluid at the other.
Colba: *as Santa* Your Christmas present, now scram.
<"What you really need. A portable intravenous Ritalin dispenser.
Go ahead, try it out."
Excel jabbed the needle in her arm and started the system.
Instantly, her body shuddered. She looked around,
as though she had stepped through the looking glass and encountered a new world.
In a steady, almost slow voice, she said,>
Pupmon: *as Excel* It's full of stars...
<"Wow. Everything is moving a lot faster than before,
but it feels kind of... normal."
She wandered off, almost in a daze.
Santa turned to Hyatt. "It's your turn."
Hyatt sat daintily in his lap.
"And what do you want for Christmas?">
Pupmon: *as Hyatt* Health insurance.
<A pensive look crossed Hyatt's features. "I'd like... Hurk!">
Lloyd: *as Herculeas* One hero at your service!
<She suddenly vomited up a huge amount of blood that spewed everywhere.
After hurling continuously for a full minute,
she finally slumped limply into Santa's lap,
her non-blinking eyes staring up at the ceiling.>
Colba: Clean up on aisle 11.
<"About five pints of type O negative,"
Santa answered for her as he pulled the packages of blood from his bag
and handed both them and Hyatt to some of the nearby elves.>
Lloyd: Unfortunately, Hyatt's blood type was actually O positive, so...
<Luckily, the blood was masked in the red of his uniform
and he wouldn't have to change.>
Another young woman with strawberry-blonde hair moved onto his lap.
She wore an official-looking light blue uniform with an insignia that said,
'Hellsing' on the shoulder.
"And you are?"
"Victoria Celes," the girl said in a thick British accent.
"And what do you want for Christmas?">
Pupmon: A Sean Connery of my very own!
<"I think five pints of type O would do me a bit of good, too.">
Colba: *as Santa* What do I look like? A blood bank?
<"Done." Santa pulled out another five packets and sent the girl on her way.>
The next person sat on his lap without invitation.>
Lloyd: *as Santa* Just for that I'm giving you a piece of coal.
<He was an incredibly tall man with a red trenchcoat and yellow sunglasses.
Unlike the previous man wearing such things,
this one had long flaxen locks of midnight black on his head
and radiated a hint of danger.>
All: Micheal Jackson!?
<Santa's eyes gleamed in recognition. "Ah, it's you, Dracula."
The man waved his finger back and forth. "Ah ah. It's Alucard now.>
Colba: *as Dracula* Pretty cool, huh?
<"Alu...?" Santa shook his head sadly.
"Surely no one would fall for something so transparent."
"You'd be surprised."
Santa shrugged. "So, what would you like for Christmas?"
Alucard considered that.
After several moments of silence, he said,>
Lloyd: *as Dracula* I vant to suck your blood.
<"I want love and... a powdered jelly donut."
Santa gave him the latter and promised to work on the former.>
Colba: *as Santa* Heh, heh, sucker.
<Alucard thanked him and removed himself from Santa's lap.
Celes stared at Alucard in shock.
"I can't believe you asked for those things, Master.">
Pupmon: *as Celes* And a jelly donut of all things!
<Alucard smiled. "You know how I hate being predictable."
Celes conceded the point.
Santa turned to the next person. "You there, come forward."
Another young pale girl, similar to Key despite having blue-tinted hair,
moved forward. She was dressed in a white and blue skintight bodysuit
that hugged her slender frame.She did was she was bade,
taking her place on Santa's lap.>
Lloyd: Ooh, comfy.
<"And what's your name?"
"Rei Ayanami," she said in an emotionless voice.
"And what do you want for Christmas?">
Pupmon: *as Rei* A Gendo of my very own!
<Rei's answer was instantaneous. "I want rhythm."
All: *sing* Feel the jungle rhythm...
<"Yes. Once the Angels are destroyed, I will be unemployed.
I was thinking of becoming a fly girl.>
Colba: Rei? As a fly girl?
Pupmon: *as Rei singing* Cause I ain't no hollaback girl,
I ain't no hollaback girl...
<I will require rhythm in order to do that."
Colba: Don't quit your day job.
<"I'd also like a Gendou plushie."
Santa pulled a plushie, that closely resembled Gendou Ikari,>
Pupmon: So, the plushie only 'closely' resembles Gendou Ikari?
<from his bag and handed it to her.
Despite its soft, chibi appearance, it held an aura of coldness about it.
Rei seemed to take no notice as she held it close to her body.
A boy, the same age as Rei, approached timidly.
Hesitantly he sat on Santa's lap.
"And what's your name?">
Lloyd: John Jacob Jingleheimer Smitz.
<The boy mumbled something.
"What was that?"
"Shinji." He was barely audible.
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
He mumbled something again.
"A spine?" Santa asked.>
Colba: *as Santa* Or did you say ermine?
Santa gave him a spine.
"And a Gendou plushie," he added.
Santa shrugged and handed him a Gendou plushie as well.
Shinji smiled as he left Santa's lap, staring fiercely at the doll.>
Pupmon: You are getting very sleepy...
<Santa overheard him saying to the doll,
"Listen to me, old man. I won't be your tool anymore.>
Lloyd: I refuse to be your hammer!
<I will be my own man, you heartless, emotionless... AHHH!
He's glaring at me! He's glaring at me!">
Colba: *as Shinji* Keep it away! Keep it away!
<Shinji threw down the doll and ran away at top speed.
"Hmm. Perhaps I should have given him a second spine,">
Pupmon: What Shinji needs is a backbone, not a spine.
<Santa mused. "Next."
A voluptuous dark haired woman sat on Santa's lap.
"And your name?"
"Misato Katsuragi. And while I've certainly been naughty,
I like to think I've been nice enough to get something other than coal,"
Lloyd: *as Santa* That's not what my elves say.
"A membership to 'Beer of the Day Club'."
"Isn't that supposed to be, 'Beer of the Month Club'?"
"Like that would do me any good," Misato scoffed.>
Pupmon: She could have joined the 'Wine of the Month Club', but no...
<Santa pulled a small card from his bag and handed it to Misato.
"Thanks." She gave him a peck on the cheek and hopped off his lap.
Smirking, she headed directly to Ritsuko, who was standing nearby.
She waved the card tauntingly before her blonde companion.>
Lloyd: *as Misato* I've got a card and you don't! Na na na na na!
<"Lookie what I got from Santa."
Ritsuko took the card and read it.
"'Hello, my name is Misato, and I'm an alcoholic'.">
All: Hi Misato.
<Misato tore the card from out of Ritsuko's hand and read it herself.
"That jerk! This is a lifetime membership to Alcoholics Anonymous."
"Now that's a gift you can use," Ritsuko quipped.
While Misato fumed, Santa called out, "Next."
A girl, slightly older than Shinji, approached.
She had long brown hair>
Colba: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.
<tied in two loops on the top,
with the excess tied of in ponytails.
She wore a red costume that was slit high on the leg
and bore a black and white yin yang symbol on the center.
She sat in his lap.
"And what is your name?">
Pupmon: Jenny, but all my friends call me crazy.
<"Yohko Mano, Devil Hunter."
"What would you like? Anti-demon wards? A better sword?">
Lloyd: Some holy water?
<"A boyfriend that won't be killed or possessed.
That happens to all my boyfriends," Yohko grumbled.>
Colba: *as Santa* What do I look like? A dating service?
<Santa reached into his bag and handed her a Keitaro plushie.
Yohko considered the object for a few moments, then shrugged.
"Works for me." She held it tightly to her bosom and walked off.
Satisfied, Santa asked, "Now who's next?"
A tall, lean figure dressed in a long trenchcoat and
wide-brimmed hat that hid his face sat on Santa's lap.
Without prodding, he said,>
Lloyd: Wanna buy a used watch?
"I want a football, a sweater,and genocide for the humans."
"No genocide for you, Knives."
Santa snapped his fingers and two elves dragged the
protesting Knives away again.>
Pupmon: Well, it's nice to see a villian who isn't wishing for world domination.
<Santa pulled out a list and said softly under his breath,
"Why don't we just mark you down for coal next year, Mr. Naughty.">
Colba: Oh, like coal is gonna help.
<He marked off a check next to the name. "Next."
The next person was a young man with blonde hair, no more than fourteen,
dressed in an orange jumpsuit that had a number of red circles with spirals on it,
and a blue headband with a strip of metal that held a leaf symbol on the center.>
Lloyd: The circus tryouts are next door, thank you.
He performed an acrobatic leap and landed lightly on Santa's lap.
He didn't wait to be properly introduced, boasting, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki.">
All: Believe it!
<"And what would you like for ChristAgh!"
Santa suddenly found himself handling a puff of smoke.
He waved it away, coughing furiously on the leftover fumes.
There was no longer anyone on his lap.
A laugh erupted from within the crowd.>
All: *half-heartedly* Ha ha ha ha ha.
<The group parted to show a guffawing Naruto in the midst.
Naruto doubled over in laughter. "Some Santa you are.
You couldn't even tell a replicant from the real thing."
His laughter ended when a lump of coal hit him in the head.
He rubbed the spot it hit and stared mournfully at the mineral in his hand.>
Lloyd: *as Naruto* I got a piece of coal for Christmas, believe it!
A lean young man, about fifteen and with an unruly tangle of black hair
and an emotionless face approached. He sat crisply down on Santa's lap.
"And you are?">
Pupmon: Your worst nightmare.
<"Heero Yui," he said in neutral tones.
"And what do you want for Christmas?">
Colba: *as Heero* An Eva.
<Heero took a deep breath, then blurted out,
"I want a Type 00 Gundam with a reinforced
Gundanium alloy frame unlimited missiles and a two hundred shot
double pulse beam canon that can destroy anything."
Santa stared at him soberly. "You'll shoot your eye out, kid.">
Pupmon: Among other things.
<"I can take it," Heero assured him.
"Want me to shoot one out and show you?"
"No need. All right. I'll have my helpers hook you up."
He snapped his fingers, and a number of elves escorted
Heero out a door to the back.>
Lloyd: We may never see Heero again.
<Santa sighed and leaned close to one of the elves
that remained near his right hand.
"How many more of these guys do we have to go through?">
Pupmon: *as the elf* I really don't know, I'm about to go on break so...
<The elf pulled out a long sheet of paper.
"Only about fifteen more series to go."
"And that's counting all the Dragonball series as one.
And every member of the cast, including all the villains, showed up."
Santa held his hand to his head. It was going to be a long day.>
Colba: Unfortunately, no children recieved any presents that year because
the selfish anime actors kept Santa busy all Christmas.
<End fic Yeah, I could have made that a little longer,>
Lloyd: But you did not.
<but I felt things went on long enough to get the idea.
Hope you enjoyed this seasonal offering.>
Pupmon: Your hopes were in vain.
<Meant to post it sooner, but this was the only chance
I had with how busy I've been.>
Colba: Exscuses, exscuses.
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd leave the room*
Colba: Ah, there's nothing like a good fic to get you in
the Christmas spirit.
Pupmon: True, true.
Lloyd: So, what do you think, doctor?
Dr.Nemo: What do I think? I think I shouldn't have given you
that fic, is what I think. But I suppose it's too late now.
Pupmon: Right. Say, doctor, we have something for you.
Dr.Nemo: Something for me?
Colba: Even though you don't celebrate Christmas, we still deceided
to give you something.
Lloyd: Don't think of it as a Christmas present, just think of it
as a regular old gft that you probably would not receive any other
time of the year.
*Pupmon gives Dr.Nemo his gift*
*Dr.Nemo begans to open his gift*
Pupmon: Ah ah ah, you can't open it until tomorrow doctor.
Dr.Nemo: Then why did you give it to me today?
Colba: So we wouldn't have to go through the trouble of giving
it to you tomorrow.
Pupmon: Well, you don't have to wait too long, it'll be Christmas day in
a few hours.
Lloyd: You know, it's a shame we'll have to take these decorations down.
Lloyd: Because after Christmas is over, that's when Hanukkah starts!
Colba: And let's not forget Kwanzaa!
Pupmon: And Boxing Day!
Colba and Lloyd: Boxing Day!?
Pupmon: Yes, it's a holiday they celebrate in Canada.
Colba and Lloyd: Oh.
Pupmon: Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today, so
have a Merry Christmas and a happy Boxing Day!
All: Have a good holiday!
Director: And that's a wrap! Cue the ending theme!
Director's assistant: Cue the ending theme!
[Ending theme: Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney]
"Yes. Once the Angels are destroyed, I will be unemployed.
I was thinking of becoming a fly girl."
Author's notes: I hope you enjoyed this Christmas-themed episode
of "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!!". Furthermore, Merry Christmas and
a happy New Year!
P.S.: By 'holiday', I mean vacation, not 'holiday' as in the more American sense
of the word.
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