Original Fiction >> Comedy
The following is a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.
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An Average American
By Dakota Miller
SCENE: A Dining room and Living room. Present Day.
On the left side of the stage there is a table with 4 chairs around it. On the table are 4 large
bowls with spoons. Sitting at three of the tables are MOM, DAD, and JACK. MOM and DAD are dressed
in old English clothing, kind of like something from the middle ages. They are very proper parents
and have affection for the old ways of vampires. JACK and STAN are much more new age. STAN is very
outgoing and loud, while JACK is quieter. They are just a normal family of vampires eating their
`soup'. There is a doorway C.L. leading in to the living room. In the living room are 4 coffins
and one of them slowly begins to open. Two arms pop out and STAN slowly slumps out of his coffin.
He lets out a large yawn and the coffin door loudly slams shut. STAN walks R. into the dining room.
His mother lifts her head and notices him.
STAN walks over to the empty space and sits in the chair.
MOM: I have your breakfast ready for you.
STAN looks in slight disgust at his meal.
STAN: Do you guys ever get tired of the same old stuff?
STAN: I mean, all we have is blood soup or cow.
JACK: Well that might be because we're vampires.
STAN: Yeah, but why can't we ever have anything new? Why can't we cook something for once or have
a something a little bit more different?
DAD: Like Jack said, we're vampires. We need to drink blood to sustain our undead bodies.
STAN: But why exactly? Has there ever been an actual scientific study on why we need blood.
STAN: This is just my opinion but it seems rather sick and twisted to me. It's very cannibalistic.
DAD: We're not cannibals Stan. We are vampires we have an excuse for consuming blood.
STAN: Well, what's the excuse?
MOM: We're vampires' son.
STAN: That's not an excuse. Even if we're vampires I'm pretty sure we can stay `living' if we
don't drink blood. We could be vegetarians. I've really been looking into it.
JACK: You have got to be kidding. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
STAN: It's not dumb. You just think that because it's something new, something different.
DAD: If you haven't noticed we are already different enough…we're vampires.
MOM: Vegetables won't do anything for us. We can't keep the nutrients in them so there is no
reason to eat them. Besides they don't taste as good as blood.
STAN: But I haven't had any blood for several days now.
DAD: Are you out of your mind?
STAN: No, I've been eating other alternatives and I've been doing just fine.
MOM: You might think your doing fine at the moment, but soon the cravings going to get to you and
you'll begin to waste away. You need blood, you are a vampire. You need to understand that
vampires can't be like humans; we're just too different.
STAN: We can try. If you guys tried to be a bit more modern, I'm pretty sure we'd be able to
function with the rest of the world. Just look at your clothes.
Indicates MOM and DAD's clothing.
STAN: It's 2005, not 1305. It's ok to be a little bit more modern.
DAD: We shouldn't have to dress any different. It's not like we go out and be social. We go out
STAN: But we can be social. There is no reason for us to be kept up in this house all night.
DAD: Yes there is. If we were to go outside, and someone finds out that we're vampires, they would
hunt us down to no end.
STAN: Not if they were friends. Come on Jack. I see you walking around the house looking bored
all of the time. Don't you want to meet people and get away from this house every once in a while?
JACK: Of course I do, but Mom and Dad are right. If someone did find out that we're vampires and
they were our enemy they would try to kill us. I don't know about you but I don't want to
congregate with people who would try to kill me.
STAN: There have to be other vampires in this city. It's New York! I'm pretty sure vampires other
than us live here.
MOM: Stan. You seem very persistent about wanting to leave. Why is that?
STAN: I just want to get away from here for once. Maybe meet get some friends meet a girl. If I'm
going to live forever, I don't think I want to spend my eternity with just you three, no offense to
you or anything.
JACK: None taken, you're not that good to live with either.
STAN: See! Jack wants out too, he just won't admit it.
DAD: Stan, this is enough! We have heard enough from you. This family has survived many
generations because the young ones listen to their elders. The four of us alone have survived
together for almost 100 years now with almost no contact with the outside world.
MOM: You know, I've been wondering. How is it you know so much about the culture in this day and
age, when the two of you haven't been let out to even hunt for several decades?
DAD: That's right, for this part of the century your mother and I have been doing all of the
hunting. How do you know about everything?
The room becomes quiet. Everyone stares at STAN who has a deer in the headlights
look. He takes a spoonful of blood and drinks it.
STAN: Wow this is really good blood, let me guess a young blonde girl who took a wrong route home?
DAD: Answer our question, son!
STAN lets loose a heavy sigh.
STAN: Ok, for the last couple years, I've been going out really late on some nights, just before
JACK: Man, you're in deep sh-
DAD: What could you be thinking?
MOM: I don't think he is thinking!
DAD: I want you to tell us everything that you've been doing!
JACK runs off R. and comes back on with a tape recorder. He sits back down and gets
anxious like he's about to watch a movie.
JACK: I want to keep this for future references. Continue!
STAN: Ok. A couple years back, I used to sneak out once you guys would go to sleep. You would
never stay up long, so I knew I wouldn't get caught. On some nights, I would just walk around on
the rooftops and just look down at people. I didn't really want to be too social since I didn't
know anyone, but one day several months ago as I was leaping to a different rooftop I kind of missed
STAN: Yeah. As I collided to the ground a girl ran up to me. She felt my pulse and assumed
naturally assumed that I was dead. Before she called for an ambulance-
DAD: She called for an ambulance?
STAN: Let me finish! Before she called them, I popped up and kinda scared her, but I was
able to convince her that I was only dead for a moment and I told her that an angel had brought me
back. I was referring to her. She thought that it was nice and sweet so we went and got some
JACK: Good job little brother.
MOM: You went even more into public!
STAN: Well this girl looked good, and I mean not just as a dinner. She was beautiful. So every
time I went out I met with her and we'd just talked. I learned a lot about her and everything else
going on in the world.
MOM: What was this girl like?
STAN: She is a vegetarian and-
DAD: Well it's obvious from the way she's got you acting.
STAN: She does a lot of community service.
STAN: Yeah she has a night shift at a homeless shelter, so she sleeps during the day and goes out
at night, just like me.
DAD: Now Stan, listen to me. Have you talked to any people other than her?
DAD: What kind of people?
STAN: I have talked to some of the homeless people at the shelters.
DAD: What kind of things did you talk about?
STAN: Mainly just their lives and what they can do to make it better.
JACK: (sarcastically) Aww, isn't that sweet.
DAD: Have they asked you any kind of questions?
STAN: Yeah, they always ask about my life and my family.
MOM: And what did you say?
STAN: I just told them that I just enjoyed the nightlife and that my family is dead. Technically
speaking, that is true.
As they are speaking, an unknown cloaked figure becomes visible L.
STAN: Yeah, all that I can remember.
DAD: At least you didn't say anything stupid.
The figure sneaks up to STAN's coffin and kneels before it and does the Catholic
Finger Father Son Holy Ghost Thing.
JACK: He might not have said anything stupid but did he do anything stupid?
MOM, DAD, and JACK stare at STAN. The figure in the next room removes a large wooden
stake and opens the coffin and is about to strike. But he notices that there is nothing there.
STAN: What? I don't know.
The figure sees the family in the next room and runs in ready to strike. As he runs in MOM
screams from shock, and as the figure is about to attack he notices that he's really
outnumbered. The family bolts to their feet and they all stand scattered among the room. He
reaches into his pocket a removes a hillbilly gun.
The figure removes his cloak and reveals that he is a hillbilly in overalls named
JETHRO. He speaks with a heavy southern drawl.
JETHRO: I'm Jethro van Smellsing, expert vampire hunter.
The family seems a lot less scared once they've heard his name.
JACK: Are you serious? That's' your name? Van Smellsing? How did you get that stupid name like
JETHRO: My ancestor was the great Van Helsing who did thus justly slay the demon Dracula. His
great great grandchildren moved to the United States and lived in Arkansas. To live there they were
to have a slight change of name. So they asked around and Van Smellsing was the most popular
choice. Now, I is to be followin' in my ancestor's footsteps to destroy the undead, like you.
DAD: How did you find us?
JETHRO: Lately I have been hither in the New York area alookin' for some of the walkin corpses, and
I came by that young hellion at a homeless shelter.
Indicates STAN. STAN slowly looks away from his family as they all glare at him.
STAN: But how did you know I was a vampire.
JETHRO: I left little traps for ya's. I would lay pieces of grain across the floor and as soon as
you come by you'd start acountin them. It's one of the less known vampire tests. 5,392 I heard ya'
mutter. I counted 5,393 on account of my Attention Deficit Disorder.
STAN: Well, that doesn't mean anything. That means I might have ADD.
JETHRO: There were more tests than that. I noticed that it was cold outside and that everyone's
breath could be sawed as they did indeed breathe. But you didn't breathe because you're a vampire.
And for the easiest test, I noticed you cast no reflection at all. Ha!
MOM: Stan! This is why you weren't allowed at night.
STAN: I'm sorry! If I had known that a crazy hillbilly was stalking me I wouldn't have gone out.
JETHRO: And know you have done gone gotten your family destroyed.
DAD: Oh please. You can't do anything.
DAD: There's four of us and one of you. I doubt you'd even be able to take down one of us.
JETHRO removes a cross from his pocket.
JETHRO: Face the wrath of him who his is all-powerful!
JACK walks up to JETHRO and takes the cross from him.
JETHRO removes his holy water from another pocket.
JETHRO: This won't help much.
He drinks it and searches for another weapon. JETHRO pulls out a silver stake. MOM runs up to
MOM: Oh that is beautiful.
JETHRO: Aren't your kind allergic to silver?
DAD: We've grown to like it and it looks good on the wife.
He looks distraught and pulls out a cell phone.
JACK: Are you gonna talk us to death? You've already done enough of that.
JETHRO: Hello? Ma? Would you happen to know where the garlic is? I seem to have misplaced it.
You're used it for dinner last night? Aww, drat!
JETHRO puts the phone away and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of grain.
JETHRO: Well maybe this will keep you busy while I make a much-needed retreat.
He throws it and before it can hit the ground…
JETHRO picks up his cloak and runs off R. The family just kinda stands around, slightly
STAN: Well that was random.
The family all goes back to the table and sit down.
DAD: Now Stan, do you see why we don't want you to leave? It's for our own safety. That time we
were lucky that it was just a harmless hillbilly; next time it could be someone even worse; someone
who actually had the ability to harm us.
MOM: Son, we understand that you want to leave, but you aren't ready yet. You still have some
growing up to do.
STAN: I'm 115 years old! I'm pretty sure I'm grown up enough to leave the house! There are so
many problems with this family. We are so Middle Ages. Why can't we be a little bit more New Age?
DAD: More New Age? I think we're fairly New Age. If we weren't would we be able to be atheists
and grab that cross. Back in the Old Times we would cringe in fear. Thanks to the new world we
have a different view on things.
MOM: And without the need for beauty in this time I wouldn't be able to take the lovely silver
stake. It all has to do with today's society.
There is a short silence. STAN sits there like he is thinking.
STAN: I guess your right.
They sit there for a short while and eat their food.
MOM: So Stan…are we going to get a chance to meet this girl?
STAN: Well, since I won't be going out anymore, I highly doubt it.
DAD: Maybe we can make an exception.
STAN: When can I go up and see her?
JACK: Make it quick, I still have room for dessert.
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The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.
Please see the Terms of Service for more information.