Mascot "Kumi" © 2005 Chastain & Fan Works Inc. All Rights Reserved. Mascot "Kumi" © 2005 Chastain & Fan Works Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Memorial - In Loving Memory of Chester Gregorich, 1981-2005
Home | Directory | Help & Tools | Just In! | [Search]
[Log In | Join]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Fiction >> Fan-Fics

The following is a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.


[View Printer Friendly Version]

Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!!!: Episode III
By Cartoonatic


Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!
Episode III

It's disclaimer time!

Disclaimer: The fanfic "My name is Ranma, but I'm not Ranma" is the property of its
owner. All characters used in said fanfic are the property of their owner(s). "Mystery Science
Theater 3000", which "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!" is based upon, is the property of its
owner(s). "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!" and all of the characters within it are the property of
myself. The song Bohemeian Rhaspody is the property of its owner(s). Now, on with the

Director: Cue the theme song in three... two... one...
Director's assistant: Action!

In the not-too-distant future
Next Monday A.D.
There was a radio named Nemo
How he became sentient don't ask me
He spent his time plotting revenge
Which to his rivals he would send
One day he found the perfect torture
But he had to test it on some innocent people first

Dr. Nemo: I'll send them cheesey fan fics
The worst I can find (lalala)
They'll have to sit and watch them all
And I'll monitor their minds (lalala)

Now keep in mind the victims can't control
When the fics begin or end (lalala)
Because Dr.Nemo used those special parts
To collect the victims

*whistle blows* Roll call!

"Call my agent!"

"Hi Mom!"


If you're wondering how they eat and sleep
And other science facts (lalala)
Remind yourself that it's only fiction
I should really just relax
For "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!"


Lloyd: Hello folks, and welcome to "Mystery Baklava Theater!!!!!!!!!". Yes, I know that Pupmon
usually does the greeting, but we deceided to try something new today.
*Colba walks into the room*
Colba: Good morning Lloyd!
Lloyd: Good morning Colba!
Colba: Say, Lloyd, have you seen Pupmon this morning? Because, you know she usually does the
Lloyd: I know, but today she said I could do the greeting.
Colba: Oh.
*Pupmon walks into the room with two plates in her hands, er, paws*
Pupmon: Good morning Lloyd! Good morning Colba!
Lloyd and Colba: Good morning Pupmon!
Lloyd: Hey, what's that you have in your hands, er, paws?
Pupmon: Well, this morning I took the liberty of waking up earlier than usual to make breakfast for
the both of you.
Lloyd: Is that why you let me do the greeting today?
Pupmon: Yes.
Colba: So, what did you cook for us?
Pupmon: For you Colba, I would have prepared a traditonal Jaxsero breakfast but I didn't know how so
I made you this omelette instead. *gives Colba the plate with the omelette on it*
Colba: That'll do. *begins eating the omelette*
Lloyd: What'd you make for me?
Pupmon: Well, for you I got, *gives him a can of motor oil*, this!
Lloyd: *deadpan* Oh, thanks.
Pupmon: You're welcome!
Lloyd: Well, I am a robot. * sighs and drinks his motor oil*
Dr.Nemo: *off-screen* Children, it's time for your daily experiment!
*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd head to where Dr.Nemo is, taking their food with them*
Dr.Nemo: Good morning lads and lassie, I hope you got a good rest 'cause you're gonna have
nightmares tonight! *stops to stare at Colba and Lloyd* Hey, what are you guys eating?
Colba: Oh, Pupmon made breakfast for us!
Dr.Nemo: Did she?
Colba and Lloyd: *nod*
Dr.Nemo: *looks at Pupmon* And I suppose you didn't stop to
think about me, hmm?
Pupmon: Oh, I thought about you. I just figured that since you're a radio, you don't have to eat. I
mean, you don't have a mouth, so how would you be able to eat anyhow?
Dr.Nemo: That's true. Anyways, your fanfic today is called "My name is Ranma, but I'm not Ranma".
Lloyd: That doesn't sound so b...huh?
Dr.Nemo: Titles can be deceiveing Lloyd. Well, move along now, we haven't got all day.
Pupmon: No, we don't have all day, but we do have FANFIC SIGN!


Door 6
Door 5
Door 4
Door 3
Door 2
Door 1


*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd take their seats*

Lloyd: Say, Pupmon how come you didn't have anything to eat?

Pupmon: I ate earlier.

Lloyd: Oh.

<``I was never really Ranma Saotome.
Sure, people called me that and I do have the Saotome blood inside of me,
but I was never really `Ranma'.''>

Lloyd: I'm actually the reincarnation of Jimmy Hoffa.

<``From the day I was born I have been called Ranma,>

Colba: Among other things.

<and yes in a way I am Ranma in that I am Genma
and Nodoka Saotome's son.
However, my very body never belonged to `me'.''>

Pupmon: It belongs to science!

<``I went by many titles in my life.>

Colba: Like "baka".

<I was my father's son,
Mr. Tendo's future son-in-law, Kasumi's future brother-in-law,>

Pupmon: *with British accent* F.O.P.: friend of Piglet's.

<Nabiki's bitch, Akane's perverted fiancé, the old letch's heir,
and my mother's manly son.
I was Shampoo's husband,>

Lloyd: Kuno's pig-tailed girl, Cologne's future son-in-law, Prince Herb's
double of the monkey-woman, you get the idea.

<Ucchan's best friend and fiancé,
Kodachi's Ranma-sama. I was even Ryoga's rival, Mousse's obstacle,
and Kuno's foul sorcerer.>

Pupmon:*as announcer* And all of these wonderful titles and more
can be yours for the low, low price of $19.98!

<And yet while I hold all of these titles,
I was never Ranma even though people called me that.''
``My life had been decided for me even before I was born.>

Lloyd: *sings* Born, born to be alive!

Colba: *sings, in deep voice* Born to be alive...

<My father decided that I would marry one of Mr. Tendo's daughters,>
that I would be the world's best martial artist, and that I would work
and sweat for a living as my father and his best friend would
sit around drinking sake and playing shogi all the time.>

Colba: *as Genma* Your move, Tendo! *hic*

<I would run the dojo while Akane does whatever it is that she wants,
Nabiki would con me out of my money and then I would be blamed
when there's not enough money to pay the bills,>

Pupmon: *as Akane* What do you mean there's not enough money
to pay the utility bill!?

Colba: *as Ranma* I used it to get the dojo a new roof!

Pupmon: *as Akane* Again!?

<and Happosai would feel up my girl side while beating up my male form.
Even sweet Kasumi expects me to eat Akane's cooking because>

Lloyd: It's so high in fiber?

<she spent so much time making it, that it's only right that `I' and
`I' alone should eat it. And my mother would expect me to
screw every girl in sight to give her grandchildren.''>

Colba: *as Ranma* Not that I mind.

<``If it is not my `family' deciding what to do with my life
others would decide it for me.>

Lloyd: Like the media.

<Shampoo and the old ghoul would want me to be the
breeding stock for their village>

Colba: *as Ranma* Not that I mind.

Pupmon: Colba, this is Ranma we're talking about, not Roy Mustang.

Colba: Oh, sorry.

<while Mousse wants me dead
and out of his way for Shampoo's heart.
The Kunos want to fuck me or kill me depending on what form I am in.
Ucchan, no, Ukyo,>

Pupmon: No, Ms.Kuonji...

<wants me to be her husband that runs her restaurant with her,
even though she knows I'm unfit for it. Ryoga just plain wants me dead,
and to be the fault for everything going wrong>

Colba: *as Ryoga* Ranma, it's your fault there's a hole in
the ozone layer! Prepare to die!

<in his life even if I'm six feet under.''
``While everyone thinks my father's stupid, I know different.>

Lloyd: He's actually very stupid.

<How could the man who made two schools of martial arts
so deadly they had to be sealed away be called stupid,
even if he made them so he could steal?
I guess they don't see the true genius of his actions.>

Colba: *as Ranma* He's mad, I tell you, mad!

<He knew exactly how to make me controllable.>

Pupmon: *as Ranma* He threatened to sell my video games on Ebay.

<Why else do you think he took me away from my home and mother?
As long as he was the only influence I had in my life
I would listen to everything he said.
That way he could mould me into whatever he wanted me to be,
which is what I am now.>

Lloyd: A pathetic martial-arts-obsessed, cat-fearing, confused individual?

<Not Ranma, but whatever everyone wants me to be.
He only messed up on one thing, my ego.>

Pupmon: Leggo my ego.

< "Everyone knows that I have an ego the size of China.
Did he really think someone whose ego was that big
would stay under someone's thumb for that long?
No, I wanted to do something that he did not approve of,>

Lloyd: *as Ranma* So I ran off and joined the circus.

<that he had no way of controlling no matter what he does.''>
``That's why I let Kasumi serve me tea.
That's why I dropped my guard
to let the old letch to turn me into a girl and
put me in a pair of very sheer bra and panties.
That is why I ate the drugged food I knew came from the Amazons.>

Colba: *sings* What's that in the bread? It's gone to my head...

<That is why I invited my mother over for dinner earlier that day,
so that she can see me opening the zipper of Ryoga's pants.
That is why Akane was enraged so much that she threw the tea at me.''>

Pupmon: *as Akane* How dare you fix the zipper on Ryoga's pants!?
Ranma no baka!

<``I have faith in reincarnation.>

Colba: *as Ranma* But with my luck, I'll probably come back as a transsexual.

<After all, I have seen it done before by a Phoenix God.
I can only hope that my next life would be my own.''
``I'm really sorry you had to be here to see this.>

Lloyd: I'm sorry we had to be here to read this.

<I know that my father engaged you to me for a case of sake,
but as you can see with me wearing this white robe>

Colba:* as Ranma* That I've deceided to join a monastery.

<and my mother sharpening the Saotome honor blade>

Lloyd: *imitates sword being sharpened*

<that I cannot marry you.
If you want I can repay you for the case of sake,
as it's my `duty' to fix up my father's messes.
My pack is upstairs. Inside you'll find>

Pupmon: *as Ranma* My last will and testament.

<whatever money my father hasn't stolen from me or
Nabiki hasn't taken from me.
If you're lucky neither one of them has gone through it yet.''>

Lloyd: *as Ranma* Well, that's it for today,
I gotta go decapitated, see ya.

<Author's Notes

I did this whole thing in a little over an hour.
The idea just struck me and would not let me do anything until I wrote it.
Hopefully you readers didn't find it too boring.
This will more than likely be a one-shot since
I can't really think of what to put on next.>

Colba: *as author* I've got a case of writer's block you wouldn't believe!

*Pupmon, Colba, and Lloyd exit the room*


Colba: I'm glad that's over.

Pupmon: I kind of liked it.

Colba: You liked it!?

Pupmon: Yep, I thought it was pretty good.

Colba: Define "pretty good".

Pupmon: Well, it's a dark, biographical Ranma 1/2 piece,
which you don't see too much.

Colba: But that's just the point, Ranma 1/2 isn't supposed to
be dark. It's an action/comedy!

Lloyd: Guys?

Pupmon: That's true, although since it's a P.O.V. piece it's
an exception.

Colba: No it's not.

Pupmon: Yes it is.

Lloyd: Pardon me, but what's a P.O.V.?

Pupmon: It means 'Point of view'.

Lloyd: Okay, carry on.

Colba: No, it's not.

Pupmon: Yes, it is.

Colba: It's not!

Pupmon: It is!

Colba: It's not!

Pupmon: It is!

Colba: It's not!

Pupmon: It's not!

Colba: It is!

Pupmon: It's not!

Colba: It is! Huh?

Dr.Nemo: Enough! I hate it when people argue, especially
when I'm not apart of the argument!

Pupmon: Our apologies, doctor. We weren't aware of your

Dr.Nemo: 'Tis alright, and what's with the fancy talk?

Pupmon: "Fancy talk"?

Dr.Nemo: "We weren't aware of your presence."
What's all that about?

Pupmon: Nothing doctor, I can assure you.

Dr.Nemo: There you go again! Tryin' to sound all prim and
proper, eh? Actin' kinda snobby, eh? I'll have you know that
we don't take too kindly to snobs here, lassie. And-

Pupmon: Exscuse me doctor, but what do you have against
people speaking proper English?

Dr.Nemo: Oh, is that what they're callin' it now? You're startin'
to sound like Jack.

Pupmon: Like Jack? Jack who?

Dr.Nemo: Oh, did I say Jack? I meant to say you're startin' to
sound like Brak(tm).


Dr.Nemo: Oh, just forget it! * hops out of the room angrily*

Colba: You know, I think we've just seen a tiny glimpse into the
mysterious past of our captor.

Lloyd: *nods in agreement*

Pupmon: I do not sound like Brak(tm)!


Director: Cut! That's a wrap! Cue the ending theme!

Director's assistant: Cue the ending theme!


[Ending theme: Bohemeian Rhaspody by Queen]


"While everyone thinks my father's stupid, I know different."


The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.

[Return to Top]

TOS  |  Privacy Policy  |  Questions/Comments?  |  Found a bug?  |  Report violations of the TOS
Powered by E-FanWorks v3.9.9b © Null Referrence Software 2003-2006