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The following is a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

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Let's Pretend For One Moment I Wasn't The Way I Was
By LissaLively

 




A/N: I originally wrote this as an MCR story, but since there's no technical POV of any person, you can make what you want from it. I'll probably end up changing it back anywaysWell enjoy. And PLEASE review if you read. Thanks. Xo Lissa
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Just give up.


That's all that registers in my mind as I run. Run to nowhere in the middle of this forest. My eyes are red and puffy from crying. My heart feels heavy, the lump in my throat almost makes me sick.

What is wrong with everyone? What is wrong with everything? What is wrong with me? As I ask myself these questions, I truly do not have an answer, because as if now, nothing exists to me anymore. I don't even remember what it's like to feel anymore. I can't even feel the hurt that plagues my mind, body, and soul, the numbness have had taken me over a long time ago. Everything inside my world and myself had died.

Just stopped beating, losing the passion that was once there. I was happy, I was content, I was even at some point innocent. But after time, that innocence is gone. Gone with the rest of the world, seeping into nothing but a black hole. Resistance.

I suddenly stop myself and almost collide with the floor. My hands instinctively reach out in front of me, digging into the wet soil, it almost feels…comforting…almost. I steady myself before looking out once more at the peaceful scene in front of me. Nothing but the sound of the fast moving river and occasional calls of birds from the monster trees looming above me. I shiver involuntarily and feel my heart start to race. I've never felt like this before. Like every inch of my soul is slowly melting away, and I'm going to shrivel up any minute. What is wrong with me? I ask once more. Why am I being treated like this? Is this punishment? Karma? Did I really deserve for everything to fall apart…?

Have you ever wanted to scream so loud, your throat would potentially bleed? Scream until there was absolutely nothing inside you? All the shit bottled upside you, so desperate to get out, it's almost frightening. They say a person can take so much, and eventually they'll just snap. For a while I was starting to disagree with that, but now I realize it was fully true. I've never been on the verge of a nervous breakdown but now I can say so. I feel like knocking the shit out of someone or something. My anger has never been this bad and I've never had these thoughts before.

Yes, these thoughts. Wanting to grab a handful of my hair and ripping it out, imagining short tufts of hair falling to the ground, anything for release. I could grab a stick and hit it so hard it shatters into nothing but wood chips, anything. But I stick to just screaming, and let me say it never felt so good.

I screamed so loud, it echoed off the trees and a few birds flew away from the sudden disturbance of peace. I screamed until my throat was raw and tears glazed my eyes, down my cheeks, and to the ground, soaking into the dirt and disappearing. Just like I wished I could do.

With curiosity I had paced a few steps in front of the fast speed river. It all went upstream with such a rush, it was almost fascinating. If I had taken one more step, I would fall in, and without I would get carried away by the water. I half smiled thinking about the drowning victims who had lost their lives here. For a second I wondered if I could be like them. Get so tangled in the water, it would suffocate me to death. The thought intrigued once more as I lost myself in the river. There was a part of me who was getting anxiously nervous. As I told you, I've never had these thoughts before. Thoughts of dying…

You know they say God will never give you more than you can handle. What if that's complete bullshit? What if he did give me more than I could handle? If he was only testing me, then why the hell am I here so distraught? I have nothing left, is that his way of proving a point? If so, he was doing an amazing job at it, because I now realize I gave up a long time ago. I didn't deserve to be put through what I went through. Even if it was just a coincidence, it was a shitty one.

They also say life is what you make it, and I think that's partly bullshit too. I mean, sure we're responsible for our actions, choices, and decisions, but what about the rest? People don't ask to be brought up in broken homes, yet children suffer everyday from it. Nobody asks to have diseases, but innocent people and children are tortured by cancer and what not. And I know for fact, nobody asks to be ridiculed because they are different. Right down to the clothes they were, the music they listen to, their skin color, their race, gender, and even their sexual orientation. I guess when they also say life isn't fair, they meant that one.

That's why I don't take that final step. I don't move an inch, because I know even if I were to jump in that fucking river and potentially die, it wouldn't justify my misery. It would only add to it.

I've come to learn that not everything will be perfect, because let's face it, it was never perfect to begin with. Through the lies, and broken dreams, we were able to create an illusion that everything was okay. We pretended we were fine, but deep down we knew couldn't pretend forever. Just like I couldn't.

I may not ever find that peace that I once had, but in time it could change. I could always keep these thoughts in my mind, and remember this day when I almost lost myself. But I know deep down inside, I lost myself much too long ago. We're a lost generation, but we don't have to be. Perhaps one day, everything might turn around, I may not have any hope, but I can try…

Until then, the best we can do is to move along, just to make it through…

 

The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.

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