A/N: I originally wrote this as an MCR story, but since
there's no technical POV of any person, you can make what you want from it.
I'll probably end up changing it back anyways…Well enjoy. And
PLEASE review if you read. Thanks. Xo Lissa
That's all that registers in my mind as I run. Run to nowhere in the middle of this
forest. My eyes are red and puffy from crying. My heart feels heavy, the lump in my throat almost
makes me sick.
What is wrong with everyone? What is wrong with everything? What is wrong with
me? As I ask myself these questions, I truly do not have an answer, because as if now, nothing
exists to me anymore. I don't even remember what it's like to feel anymore. I can't even feel the
hurt that plagues my mind, body, and soul, the numbness have had taken me over a long time ago.
Everything inside my world and myself had died.
Just stopped beating, losing the passion
that was once there. I was happy, I was content, I was even at some point innocent. But after time,
that innocence is gone. Gone with the rest of the world, seeping into nothing but a black hole.
I suddenly stop myself and almost collide with the floor. My hands instinctively
reach out in front of me, digging into the wet soil, it almost
feels…comforting…almost. I steady myself before looking out once more at the peaceful
scene in front of me. Nothing but the sound of the fast moving river and occasional calls of birds
from the monster trees looming above me. I shiver involuntarily and feel my heart start to race.
I've never felt like this before. Like every inch of my soul is slowly melting away, and I'm going
to shrivel up any minute. What is wrong with me? I ask once more. Why am I being treated like this?
Is this punishment? Karma? Did I really deserve for everything to fall apart…?
you ever wanted to scream so loud, your throat would potentially bleed? Scream until there was
absolutely nothing inside you? All the shit bottled upside you, so desperate to get out, it's almost
frightening. They say a person can take so much, and eventually they'll just snap. For a while I was
starting to disagree with that, but now I realize it was fully true. I've never been on the verge of
a nervous breakdown but now I can say so. I feel like knocking the shit out of someone or something.
My anger has never been this bad and I've never had these thoughts before.
thoughts. Wanting to grab a handful of my hair and ripping it out, imagining short tufts of hair
falling to the ground, anything for release. I could grab a stick and hit it so hard it shatters
into nothing but wood chips, anything. But I stick to just screaming, and let me say it never felt
I screamed so loud, it echoed off the trees and a few birds flew away from the
sudden disturbance of peace. I screamed until my throat was raw and tears glazed my eyes, down my
cheeks, and to the ground, soaking into the dirt and disappearing. Just like I wished I could do.
With curiosity I had paced a few steps in front of the fast speed river. It all went
upstream with such a rush, it was almost fascinating. If I had taken one more step, I would fall in,
and without I would get carried away by the water. I half smiled thinking about the drowning victims
who had lost their lives here. For a second I wondered if I could be like them. Get so tangled in
the water, it would suffocate me to death. The thought intrigued once more as I lost myself in the
river. There was a part of me who was getting anxiously nervous. As I told you, I've never had these
thoughts before. Thoughts of dying…
You know they say God will never give you more
than you can handle. What if that's complete bullshit? What if he did give me more than I could
handle? If he was only testing me, then why the hell am I here so distraught? I have nothing left,
is that his way of proving a point? If so, he was doing an amazing job at it, because I now realize
I gave up a long time ago. I didn't deserve to be put through what I went through. Even if it was
just a coincidence, it was a shitty one.
They also say life is what you make it, and I think
that's partly bullshit too. I mean, sure we're responsible for our actions, choices, and decisions,
but what about the rest? People don't ask to be brought up in broken homes, yet children suffer
everyday from it. Nobody asks to have diseases, but innocent people and children are tortured by
cancer and what not. And I know for fact, nobody asks to be ridiculed because they are different.
Right down to the clothes they were, the music they listen to, their skin color, their race, gender,
and even their sexual orientation. I guess when they also say life isn't fair, they meant that
That's why I don't take that final step. I don't move an inch, because I know even if I
were to jump in that fucking river and potentially die, it wouldn't justify my misery. It would only
add to it.
I've come to learn that not everything will be perfect, because let's face it, it
was never perfect to begin with. Through the lies, and broken dreams, we were able to create an
illusion that everything was okay. We pretended we were fine, but deep down we knew couldn't pretend
forever. Just like I couldn't.
I may not ever find that peace that I once had, but in time
it could change. I could always keep these thoughts in my mind, and remember this day when I almost
lost myself. But I know deep down inside, I lost myself much too long ago. We're a lost generation,
but we don't have to be. Perhaps one day, everything might turn around, I may not have any hope, but
I can try…
Until then, the best we can do is to move along, just to make it