*A/N: I'll start off by saying this is a very personal story for me. I don't really want to say why
cause I haven't accepted it yet. I wrote this because all these words came rushing to me and writing
is my only source in an effort to not breakdown. So once again, this based off the video. Told in
Mikey's POV of course. Thank you for reading.*
I think my
heart is going to stop anytime now. I can feel it slow down ever so often, and it's scaring me. The
thought of dying was something I could not handle right now. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
I shouldn't be here watching my mother cry. I shouldn't see the sadness and worry on my brother's
face. I shouldn't packing my stuff. I shouldn't be going to war.
Yes, war. Simply three
letters, yet it's the most devastating word I have ever endured. The source of my premature break
down. I wouldn't cry in front of my mother. I couldn't stand to see her close her eyes and say a
prayer for me and my brother. I was lost, confused, torn, scared. My stomach felt like it had been
twisted and twisted and twisted and twisted into so many knots. My throat felt dry. I felt the bile
of my mother's last breakfast rise in my throat, but I fought hard to keep it down.
“We need to leave soon Mikes.” Frank whispered as he stood there alongside Ray
and Bob. All four of us including my brother Gerard had been drafted. It was hard for all of us,
especially me. I didn't want to go to some fucking war. I didn't want to battle against anyone. I
didn't want to sacrifice everything here. I loved my mother, my father. It wasn't fair. Maybe it was
wrong of me to question my love for God and why he was doing this to me, but all is uncertain. I
couldn't place the blame on him. I look at Frank's green eyes and nod before I turn away. I had
grabbed the necessary items for my loathed trip. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to lock myself in
my room and never come out. But I was forced to go.
“Mama please don't cry.” I
heard Gerard say. My mama only stood up and wrapped her arms around him tightly as I he started to
cry with her. My brother feeling the same emotions as me. I grabbed my bag and walked back out to
where they were. She had been crying every night since the dreaded two letters addressed to Michael
James and Gerard Arthur Way had came.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered and
he kissed her head.
“Pray for us Mama. We love you.”
“Keep your guns pointed at all times.” was all I heard as I
looked out beyond the distance and sighed. The torturous days and nights of being forced to learn
how to use a gun and how to protect yourself. I didn't want to face the fact that I was really going
to war in less than two days. For the first time in a long time I couldn't bare the thought that I
might never see my family again. I didn't want to have to pray every night that mama would be okay
while I'm gone. I also didn't want to face the fact that I could very well die out there. That
wasn't where I wanted to end my life. I wanted it to be peaceful. I guess I might not make it that
far. All I could do was stare out at the distance and hope God would have mercy on my
“Alright guys remember. Whatever happens out there…just know
I love you guys. Not get all sappy and shit, but it's the truth. You're my buddies. We're going to
get through this. For the sake of everyone okay?” Gerard said softly and the guys nodded as I
slumped over the bar and attempted to take a shot he had given me. We were due to leave in the
morning and I was a wreck by now. I couldn't speak hardly, I felt that feeling
My heart was slowing.
“Mikey it's going to be okay.” Gerard
whispered to me as he patted my back and I didn't respond. I couldn't find the voice as I wondered
if he was right. Would it really be okay?
“We gotta be strong.” Ray put in. His
wisdom voice feeling my mind as I smiled slightly. I loved him and his common sense to pieces. He
was the mother of the group.
“I just hope I can still smoke.” Bob teased. I
shook my head. The muscle of the group.
“I hate my hair like this.” Frank
grumbled. The complainer, but the best hugger of the group.
“C'mon don't be
pansy.” Gerard retorted and smiled. I smiled this time as well. My brother of the group.
“Now alright let's make a toast.” he said grabbing his shot of the bar as he
held it proudly in the air.
“We're going to give it all we got and we're going to come
home to our families okay?” he asked and everyone nodded, including me. Even the smallest of
words, that may have not necessarily be true, was comforting.
“To us!” Frank
“To us!” we all said in unison and clashed our glasses together before
drinking them. The slight sting of the liquid made me smile. I could still feel
Flight or flight.
Those words repeat in my mind like a
broken record. It was time. I was going to fight and I couldn't take it. The large body of water
engulfing me as it taunted me. I hate large bodies of water. I hate the waves that rocked my
Silence was all I heard as only the water made a noise. Chatter
above everyone else, but I blocked it out. I could only stare at my brother Gerard as he looked
forward to our destination. The boat was rocking so heavy, I prayed it didn't capsize. As much as I
wanted an excuse to leave this boat, I didn't want rest in the arms of the ocean.
ready guys.” the general said and I took a deep breath. Then another, and another. My mind
raced as I looked around and felt nervous. It was time. It was real. The sound of the guy across
from me as he vomited from sheer nervousness. I felt his pain as his eyes had watered up. None of us
wanted to be this way. I saw Frank's tattooed knuckles as he lifted his necklace and kissed the
cross that had hung from it. All of the times to pray, it would be now. And that's exactly what I
If you hear me please protect me. But not just me lord. Please watch
my over my mama and Gerard. And Ray, Bob, and Frank incase something should happen to me. I ask you
to watch over us please. But if it's my time go. Please accept me into your arms so I can be at
“Soldiers! Right now. Right now is the time to face the reality. It is
our time to fight. It is our time to win. We must show our strengths. Remember every single thing we
taught you to this point. Never show your weakness. We are strong do you hear me?” the general
shouted and we nodded.
“Sir yes sir!” was what we had only responded. The boat
came closer to the beach where I could see figures. It was them. The ones we were fighting. I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath. Gerard looked at me and I looked back at him as we spoke to each
other silently. We didn't need to say it out loud. It was obvious.
[/No matter what happens,
I love you./]
“Soldiers get ready!”
The boat had came closer and closer.
We all got prepared and took deep breaths to calm ourselves. I think I may have hyperventilated just
a little. I couldn't control my nervousness as my stomach tightened again.
us.” I whispered to myself as the boat finally stopped and the gate had slammed down as we all
“Move out!” he yelled as we grabbed our guns and ran off the boat in a
hurry. I tried to keep up but I couldn't. Gerard called to me once more as I looked at him. Frank,
Ray, and Bob had kept out of sight as the bullets started flying. The smell of gun powder filled the
air as I tried to move. My eyes were blurry and all I could hear was bullets and cries from men as
they were already shot down with bullets. I cringed at the sight of disfigured faces and blood that
seeped out of their bodies as they cried. I shook my head. I couldn't handle this. I spotted Gerard
and for some reason I wanted to be next him at all times. I moved my feet to be by him. I kept my
eyes focused on him as my life flashed before my eyes. Memories of my grandma Elena. My childhood.
My brother pushing me on a swing in front of our house. Meeting the guys. My school days. The
I do believe I would've made it there if it wasn't for the bullet that had shot out.
The bullet that flew at full speed. The bullet that hit me.
I gasped and felt the blood come
out as my body twisted and I fell to the floor as I convulsed. I coughed up blood as the bullet sank
into me and I knew this was the end. My time was over. I closed my eyes as I felt the sharp pain as
Gerard started screaming. He had watched it all. Terror in his hazel eyes as I barely managed to see
Ray hover over me while trying to rescue me. I smiled weakly. I appreciated him trying to rescue me
but this time he couldn't save me.
“I love you all.” I barely
“Mikey!” Gerard shouted and Ray pressed the cloth against me to hold
the blood but it was too late. I was getting weaker by the second and eventually I couldn't hear
anything. Eventually I closed my eyes…
Eventually I welcomed the reality I was dying.
I was going to heaven. I was meeting Grandma Elena again.
“Mikey no please!” Ray
said to me. But I couldn't hear it. I felt my eyes flutter as I laid on the ground. This is what it
was like to die. I embraced it. I knew I wouldn't make it through.
Now all I could do was
wait for the day I would see my friends and family again. I love you Gerard. I love you Frank. I
love you Ray. I love you Bob. I love you mama. I love you father.
I always knew my heart