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Anime/Manga Fan Fiction >> Neon Genesis Evangelion

The following is a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.

 

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A Normal Day
By Jose Argao

 

Disclaimer: Insert legal stuff where I say I don't own Eva and
am not making any money off it here.

Warning: Much like the End of Evangelion movie, This fic makes
absolutely no sense.

[]= signifies that the character is speaking from a comm link

names of speakers will only be indicated in case of conversations
involving more than one character. In the event that you find
conversations that you can't understand because of this, don't
worry, they were never meant to be understood.


A Normal Day
by Jose Argao


It's a normal day at the Katsuragi residence. Asuka and
Shinji are fighting over what to watch on TV.

Taking the remote from Asuka, Shinji changes the channel.

"I was here first, I want to watch the blue screen!"

Retrieving the remote, Asuka changes the channel again.

"Shut up, Baka! The blue screen is so boring! I want to watch
the red screen!"

This goes on for some time, neither side willing to give in
to the other. Exasperated, Misato decides to take matters into her own
hands. Taking the remote, she switches the channel over to a purple
screen.

Shinji's eyes light up.

"It's blue!"

Asuka's eyes brighten up as well.

"And yet red at the same time!"

The second and third children sit there mesmerized for some
time. In fact, throughout this fic, one would notice that almost
everything they do takes "some time" what exactly does "some time"
mean? It could be anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours.
Anyway, they are interrupted by the sudden ringing of the alarms.Why
would the author even have to indicate that the alarms started ringing
"suddenly"? It's not as if alarms can "slowly" start to ring.

Major Katsuragi acts quickly. Finishing off her beer, she
proceeds to declare the obvious.

"Angel attack."

Back at NERV, the whole bridge crew is staring intently at the
large screen in front of them. Not that there's anything else to stare
intently at. Dr. Akagi is restless.

"Where are the children? Maya, what's the status of the pilots?"

"Well, sempai, I'm pretty sure they're all single, but since all
their personal records have been erased..."

(Ritsuko sweatdrops) "No, I mean will they be arriving anytime
soon?"

(Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! In that case, Major Katsuragi has
already phoned and informed me that she already has Shinji and Asuka.
They are en route to pick up Rei now. Considering the Major's total
disregard for any and all traffic laws, they should be here in ten
minutes or so."

"Good. What about the angel?"

"What _about_ the angel?"

(exasperated) "When will it be arriving?"

"The Magi estimate that it will arrive within the vicinity of
the Geofront in fifteen minutes."

"Can you get a visual on screen?"

"Yes, sempai."

The screen shows a familiar yellow rodent electrocuting its
opponent, a turtle squirting water off it's mouth.

(Ritsuko sweatdrops)"I meant a visual _of the angel_."

"Oh! Gomen, sempai."

The large screen in front of them begins to show the newest
angel. It is very large. Aside from dozens of sharp spikes on its
body, it is spherical in shape. It seems to be hovering above the
ground. Maya makes an astute observation.

"Oh my! Such a kawaii angel."

(Ritsuko sweatdrops again) "Maya, if you do not cease these
inane comments of yours, you will completely dehydrate me."

(head hung low) "Yes, sempai."

"Still, you have a point. If it wasn't for the fact that it's
hundreds of times larger than a normal person and covered with those
weird spike thingies, it would make a nice pet."

At that point, Major Katsuragi arrives with the children in tow.

"We're here! What's the status of the angel!?!"

"Well, angels don't really have a social life so I suppose it's
single. But I really think you can do better than an angel, Major. I'm
sure Kaji would..."

(Misato sweatdrops) "What's it doing?"

(Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! it's just floating there."

"Really? What's the status of... I mean, are the children ready?"

"Hai! I'll put them on the comm link now."

(Smaller screens appear showing the three pilots)

[Asuka] "Unit 02 ready to rumble."

[Rei] "Unit 00 prepared for battle."

[Shinji] "uh..."

Misato "Shinji, what's wrong! Say your catchy phrase now!"

[Shinji] "But... I haven't thought of one yet."

Misato "Damn! Activate and launch units 00 and 02. In the
meantime, I'll help Shinji think of a catchy phrase that suits him."

Maya "Yes, Major!"

"Oh, and Maya, why is it so damn wet here? You'd think NERV was
getting flooded or something!"

(Maya sweatdrops) "Well, everyone was sweat dropping and..."

(Misato sweatdrops) "Never mind, I think I can guess."

While units 02 and 00 are launching to the surface, Unit 01
sits in its cage, unable to launch.

Misato "Shinji, can't you think of something?"

[Shinji] "I... I... can't"

Misato (to the commander) "Sir, Unit 01 unable to launch!"

Higher up on the bridge, Gendo turns to Fuyutsuki.

(hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I shall leave this
situation up to you."

"Very well sir. (turns to Misato) Leave Unit 01 in its cage for
now. Concentrate on helping Units 00 and 02."

Misato "Oh my God! I forgot all about them!"

Misato turns toward the bridge bunnies to find them eating
popcorn, watching the battle unfold on screen."

"What the hell are you all doing?"

Hyuga turns toward her and hands her a bowl.

"Oh, gomen nasai Major. Did you want some?"

"Thank you. What's happening at the surface?"

"Well, Unit 02 is currently being thrashed by that angel with
it's spike thingies and Unit 00 hasn't moved yet."

"Huh! Why not?"

"Nobody has given Rei any orders yet."

"Oh. (turning to the screen) Rei, do something."

Unit 00 sits down and starts relaxing.

"I meant do something to fight the angel. Sheesh! I'm
surrounded by wise guys."

That's when Maya remembers something from a seminar she attended.

"Major, the P.C. term for that would be wise _person_."

"Maya?"

"Yes, Major?"

"Shut up."

Unit 00 then starts moving towards the angel. Suddenly, a
shrill voice emanates from the comm link.

"What about me? What am _I_ supposed to do?"

"Use your progressive knife or something. It's not like doing
anything would help, anyway. Unit 02 _always_ gets trashed."

At the mention of the progressive knife, Shinji remembers a
question he wanted to ask.

"Misato-san, why do we call it a progressive _knife_? It's as
big as a house. Why not progressive _sword_?"

"Gee, I don't really know." (turns to Ritsuko looking
thoughtful in the corner)

"Ritsuko, why _do_ we call it a progressive _knife_?"

The scientist looks at her and pauses. Anticipating the answer,
Misato and the bridge bunnies also pause. Gendo and Fuyutsuki also turn
to look at her. Shinji momentarily stops his catchy phrase
brainstorming. On the surface, Unit 02 stops squirming from underneath
the angel who was pinning it. Unit 00 stops in mid-air from where it is
poised to deliver a blow to the angel. Feeling a need to conform, the
angel also takes a brake from thrashing Unit 02.

"I... I... (sweatdrops) I don't really know!"

Misato facefaults. The bridge bunnies facefault. Sub Commander
Fuyutsuki also facefaults. Shinji facefaults, causing Unit 01's head to
violently hit the cage. Units 00 and 02 also facefault. Seeing Unit 02
facefault, the angel takes advantage of the opening and cuts off Unit
02's arms and head.

Asuka "This is getting kinda old."

Misato "Shinji !!!!!!!"

Hyuga "Um... Major... Shinji's fine. Asuka's the pilot of Unit 02."

(Misato sweatdrops) "Oops, gomen. Force of habit. (Clearing her
throat) Asuka!!!!!"

[Asuka] "Misato! No fair! Your playing favorites."

Misato "I am _not_. Whatever gave you that idea, Asuka?"

[Asuka] "When you called out Shinji's name, you used seven
exclamation points, but you only used five exclamation points for me."

(looks up a few lines) "Hey, your right! I guess I _am_ playing
favorites. But we have no time to discuss that now, the angel's still
out there."

"Wait a minute! You're not getting off that ea..."

Misato cuts off the link.

"Would someone please send a crew to retrieve Unit 02's entry plug."

Aoba "Awww, do we hafta? It's not like she's much help anyway.
All she does is complain." (under his breath) "Finally, I get to speak
a line."

Misato "Now you listen to me and you listen good. Asuka may not
be such a good fighter and she may whine and complain all the time, but
she's still useful for comic relief. Especially with that yellow
sundress she likes to wear."

Hyuga "Yeah, I could swear it's aerodynamically designed to
catch air and lift up with the longest possible hang time."

Ritsuko "Actually, it is. I designed it myself."

Maya and Misato "Really !?! No way!"

Ritsuko "Yes way! And I can make more, too. You can start
placing your orders now."

While the female crew surrounds Ritsuko, Shinji is still
sitting confused in his eva.

(thinking to himself) "Damn! I can't think of a catchy phrase!
Asuka is already out of commission. If this continues, Rei will go down
too. If that happens, all my hopes of actually scoring in this fic are
lost! Not only that, I still can't figure out why we call them
progressive _knives_."

On the surface, the battle between Unit 00 and the angel is at
a standstill. Unit 00 is shooting at the angel with a rifle. The rifle
isn't doing any damage, but it _is_ keeping the angel from advancing
further.

Back at NERV, Shinji decides to ask again.

[Shinji] "Misato-san, I can't think with this question hanging
over my head. Why _do_ we call them progressive _knives_?"

Disturbed from her discussion with Ritsuko regarding the
specifics of her new dress, Misato reacts like any mother figure would.

"I don't know, go ask your father."

[Shinji] "Father, why are our weapons called progressive
_knives_ when they're much too long to be just knives?"

Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I'll leave
this situation up to you."

Fuyutsuki "Very well sir. (turns to the screen) Well, Shinji,
the weapon may look huge to you, but to the EVA, it's just a knife."

[Shinji] "So you're saying it all depends on the scale?"

Fuyutsuki "Exactly."

Suddenly, a new comm link appears.

[Rei] "Sir, your logic is flawed."

Fuyutsuki "Really, may I inquire as to why?"

[Rei] "If the distinction between knives and swords was all in
the scale, then when children hold kitchen _knives_, we should call
them kitchen _swords_. However, if I remember correctly, when I picked
up a kitchen knife as a child, Commander Ikari told me to put down 'the
_knife_', not 'the _sword_' ."

Fuyutsuki "I... see. Very... well reasoned."

Unbeknownst to them, while they were discussing the merits of
naming the weapons, the angel has been preparing for its most powerful
attack.

[Rei] "Furthermore, ungh!!!"

Shinji and Fuyutsuki "What!?!"

Hyuga "Unit 00 is down!!! What should we do!?!"

[Shinji] "What!!! You just ruined all my chances of scoring you
stupid S-2 organ powered being of mass destruction! Who am I supposed
to make out with now!?!"

Misato "Well, I suppose that's as catchy as Shinji can get.
Hashin EVA!"

Unit 01 is catapulted to the surface. Shinji strikes a dramatic
pose designed to intimidate the opponent as well as provide a nice
still pin-up. Unfortunately, the effect is ruined as he is facing away
from the angel.

Misato "Shinji! Watch out for its spike thingies!"

[Shinji] "Huh?"

As the angel rams itself into Unit 01, its spikes extend a
little, impaling the unit before swinging and throwing Unit 01 into a
mountain.

[Shinji] "Aaaaah!!!!!!!"

Misato "Shinji!!!!!!! (turns to Maya) Activate catchy theme
song at once."

Maya "Pardon me, Major?"

Misato "I said play a catchy theme song. Whenever the good guy
is in trouble, you have to play something catchy for him to get a
second wind."

Ritsuko "That is correct, Maya. I'm surprised you don't know,
what withm you being an anime character and all."

Maya "But if we knew that all along, why didn't we use it on
Unit 00 and 02?"

Ritsuko "Simple, it would have been terribly anticlimactic for
the fic."

Maya "I see. I'm sorry, sempai. I'll play something at once."

As the song begins, Shinji thinks about what options are left
to him.

(thinking to himself) "Damn! Asuka's down, and so is Rei. That
reduces my chances of making out in this fic to next to nil. I suppose
the only thing left for me to do is go kill the angel in a really cool
way. Maybe I'll even get a cross explosion."

Pulling out its progressive knife, Unit 01 charges the angel
and sticks the knife into the core. It exploded in a huge cross
explosion as core-pierced angels tend to do. Suddenly, a pink bunny
carrying a drum walks across the screen.

Maya "Unit 01 is going berserk!"

Misato (turning to face Gendo) "Sir, what should we do?"

Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I leave
this..."

Fuyutsuki (pissed off) "Enough already! I've been doing
everything for three days now! I haven't seen you move since three days
ago, when you were working on those EVA model kits."

A look of understanding suddenly appears on his face.

(smirking) "You've glued yourself in place, haven't you?"

Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "...yes."

Meanwhile, on screen, unit 01 has already eaten the angel and
taken the batteries into itself. Rising from its position, it lets out
a blood curdling... burp?

Misato "Ritsuko, what the hell just happened?"

Ritsuko "It must have been really hungry."

Misato "No! Not that. I thought that stupid thing was supposed
to keep going and going and going? And when can I pick up my dress?"

Ritsuko "I'm a busy woman. I've got to do the reports for the
units, I've got to do the research for information, I've got to do the
commander..."

Misato "Okay, I think I've heard enough."

Ritsuko "Don't worry. Since you're all my friends I'll put more
priority on your orders."

Maya "Arigato, sempai. But Unit 01 is still berserk."

[Shinji] "Don't worry, that was all me. You have _no_ idea how
long I've wanted to do that."

Everyone nods in agreement.

Later, back at the Katsuragi apartment...

Asuka "Shinji, I'm bored. Wanna... hey! Wondergirl! What are
_you_ doing here? And what do you think you're doing to Shinji?"

Rei (comes up for air) "I am currently making out with Pilot
Ikari."

Asuka "Shinji! I can't believe you would choose that doll over
me!"

Shinji (takes a breather)"Come on, Asuka! Aren't you supposed
to be the genius? Don't you know anything about psychology? I have this
Oedipus complex thing that makes me hate my father and compete with him
for my mother's affection. Since Rei _is_ a clone of Mom, I would
naturally choose her over you."

Asuka "Really?"

Shinji "Naw, actually, it's just that blue hair turns me on."

Asuka "I... see."

Back at NERV...

Gendo (thinking to himself) "I never really thought glue could
be such a powerful force. Forget instrumentality! Adhesives are where
it's at!"


Author's notes:

Wow! Where did _that_ come from? I honestly don't know. I hope
you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, you
can send your C&C to ex_fuk@yahoo.com or ukyo_rulz@edsamail.com.ph

BTW: I know they're OOC, but I've just finished watching EOE and I can
only take so much depression in one day.



 

The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.

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