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Retain and Retrieve
By Yersi Fanel


Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction. I do not know KoRn (or any other band mentioned here) and I do not profit from these writings. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Summary: James “Munky” Shaffer's life went straight to the unknown after a fight with Jonathan, losing his friend and all his life as he knows it in the process, leaving him with another strange parallel life, literally. Now all he wants is to get life to the way it should be.

Note: English is not my mother language, so you may to find some mistakes here and there; please feel free to point them out so I can work to make it better, thanks for your understanding.

"Retain and Retrieve"

by Yersi Fanel

"This is your damn fault!" screamed Jonathan, who was about to pull his dreads in despair.

"Yeah, right! Blame me Mr. Front Man, you didn't even dare to made a damn comment about it even thinking you feel the same way!" countered Munky looking Jon straight to the eyes.

At the other side of the stage Fieldy was doing his best to keep his tempo, he moved passing them on the stage and behind Ray's drums, sitting besides the drummer. Ray had stopped playing, even his drums were not able to dissipate Jonathan's and Munky's screams in the verge of a fight.

The practice had been pretty difficult that particular day; Jonathan was still trying to deal with all the rumors and details of Head's comments around the media regarding his departure from Korn and current events. He was doing it fine so far, but still hurt to see, read or hear any of the comments made by him.

During practice, Munky was having a hard time to switch his guitar's channels in order to cover the absences of the second guitar in their songs, this added to the fact that he was now doing back vocals when he was not used to do it was overwhelming him, so he made some mistake while changing the guitar's channel from clean to dirty and keep the back vocals for some songs.

He got mad at himself for making the same mistake for the third time in the same song, Jonathan tried to help him but James was clearly angry with everything and specially Head for tossing all his parts at him and leave. He had communicated with them a few times, considering a reunion in the future and may be even cross the doors to come back to Korn. But Munky couldn't help but think that right now was not the time, Korn was recovering from everything and Head had his solo stuff on going.

It was not the time... and he said it to the media.

But Head had to strike back and said that he didn't even want to consider come back, ever.

Jonathan said that if he had not made that comment of 'Not the right time', Brian would have not reply with such words, Munky countered that Head had made a joke of Jonathan by making him look like he was begging the guitarist to come back, making Korn look week.

"Get it in your messed up brain already!" Munky grabbed Jon by the collar of the shirt "Yes, you are our Front man, our singer, but you word is not final, I can make any comments I want." he hissed "And I said Head betrayed us!"

"Get over it already!" Jon tried to get himself free from his band mate's grip "He walked away!"

"And still speaks up as if his word was the whole and solid truth! Is making us look bad!"

"People believe him because his background with us, he's good with words and you're not, people misunderstood you regarding all this fucking mess" Jon pointed out.

"And what did you say about it?" Munky hissed "Nothing!"

"I'm not going around making this drama even worse!" Jon took Munky's hand to make him let go of him "I talked with some of our fans, our real fans will stay with us and we are not to disappoint them." Jonathan lifted his other hand to get a grip of Munky's hair "No matter what Head said, he is never going to let go of the whole picture, so, he is lying too."

"You can make it all clear, you can do it and you know it!"

"I CAN'T!"

Jonathan was not specking the punch; he lost his balance when James' fist connected with his jaw. He let go of Munky just before his fall and tumble down to the floor, tripping over the cables and making his microphone stand fall over him.

"Jon!" said in unsound Fieldy and Ray to immediately run to aid him.

"How can you say that?!" Munky was more than angry "All mighty Jonathan Davis cannot fix the band's name? What a failure!"

"Shut up James, you started this mess, the damn thing was already cold and then you go and make it fresh again."

"Ungrateful bastard, sometimes I wish I had walked away from that dirty bar five minutes early that I did it so you had stayed there, singing alone and fucked up to the edge with your joke of a band."

He couldn't see Jonathan's hurt expression because he walked away, ignoring when Ray helped Jon to stand up and Fieldy's words to comfort his friend.

"Don't take him serious, you know him, he's mad right now." said Fieldy while Munky keep walking away. Jonathan did not answer.

He let go of his guitar, leaving it on the floor by the stage, to latter go backstage and out of the whole place. His walk took him to the parking lot, were he got on his car and drove away as fast as he could.

"Ungrateful good for nothing mother fucker..."

He didn't saw the red light and by the time he saw the truck, he was not able to dodge it.

Everything went black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Wake Up!" his head hurt like hell, his eyes won't open, his whole body hurt "WAKE UP FUCKER!"

He opened his eyes when his brain registered the voice calling for his attention; he got up with a start to find a younger version of Head looking very angry at him.

"What the hell do you want?!" Munky was about to continue when he noted that he was not in his car nor the hospital but what looked like a backstage room. When he looked at his reflection in the mirror he saw a younger version of himself staring at him.

"Listen, I don't have time for this, we have practice in two hours and thank God Richard is sober so don't make me get a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce down you throat to get that hangover off you."

Munky gaped at this person that looked very much like the Head he knew years ago, his voice also was the same, yet...

"What kind of sick joke is this? What are you doing here, why the hell do I like this and why are you talking about Richard? Dude left us years ago!"

Head opened the bottle of water he was holding and took a swing at Munky, getting water all over the guitarist's face.


"How much did you drink last night anyway?" He asked raising an eyebrow "I'm waking you up so you take a damn shower and change for the practice, you look the way you do because you have no taste for clothes or hair style and Richard's down the hall, he just left for a few moments to clear his mind or whatever philosophic crap that keeps him sane, like he always does before a practice and you know that. Now get the fuck up."

Head walked away from him, he saw Fieldy and David passing by just before he closed the door, both of them looking 10 years younger.

Munky stared at the image in the mirror. His hair was short, he had no facial hair and his dreads were a mess, as if he got them recently, a mess just like the rest of himself.

"What the fuck is going on?" He got up just to trip and fall onto the floor, there he saw what looked like his guitar resting at the corner of the room, and the protector had printed L.A.P.D on it.

His reaction was as if had just seen a ghost and looked all over the room so an escape or a source of information, he couldn't find his Iphone or any of the regular things he had with him. He reached for this back pocket and a wallet was still with him, but it was different from his, he opened to find his driver license, the picture matched with his current image, that didn't helped to calm down actually. Munky took all out of the wallet, money, a couple of cards and a calendar. He flipped this last object it only to hold a scream when the marked date was register by his eyes.

"September, 1999..."

He stayed on the floor very stunned, on the wall was a poster, he looked at it almost with fear, there he was in one of the corners of the picture, next to him was Fieldy, then Richard, David and Head. The poster said L.A.P.D in big letters and under it was the title 'Without Surface' as name of what looked like their Album.

He Fainted.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There were whispers around him, voices he knew.

"I can't believe he almost had a hart attack." the statement was sincere, the voice show concern, he recognized it as Fieldy's.

"Guys, we should let him sleep, the nurses are staring at us like if were criminals or something." that was David "Where's Richard?"

"Outside I think." that was Head's voice "Could you guys go find him? I swear, even thinking he is done with drugs he always looks like he's tripping."

"Well, drugs do destroy, we all know that, and he took a lot." Fieldy's comment was actually very accurate.

He could heard steps and them saying they would be back in a while; the sound of the door closing leaved him with just Brian as company.

Munky decided to open his eyes a few minutes after that. Head was sitting right beside his bed, he was in a hospital now but when he looked at his hands he knew he was still in that strange nightmare, the pain he felt crossing his body was real, though.

"Oh Thank God, Munky, can you hear me?"


"You scared the shit out of me, man..." whispered his band mate looking at him.

Munky just stared at this person, thinking.

He couldn't understand what was happening, one minute he was in his normal life, bitching and fighting against Jonathan with Ray and Fieldy as witnesses, then a white light, darkness and finally ten years back in date, with L.A.P.D, Richard Morrill as singer and his friends with him.

He was scared.



"I know this is going to sound stupid but... could you tell me everything we have done since 1992?"

Head blinked.


"I can't tell you everything, dude. I don't remember." he had a point there.

"... Please, help me out, I don't remember, everything's blurry and it's freaking me out."

Head was in deep thought for a few minutes and shifted in his seat a couple of times.

"Doctor said you hit your head when you fell and you could be puzzled and shit, but he didn't tell us it was this bad." He bit his lip and Munky was sure he was confused.

"At least as a band? Please…"

This seemed like a bad dream, but now he was sure it was real; his aching body was telling him that. He didn't want to believe this bad joke, but if this was just a joke his almost heart attack caused by panic would have made the others stop. Since it was not the case, he had to relay in someone to tell him more about what surrender him and the fact was that Brian was his friend and they were really close back in 1999, maybe in this twisted scenario was also the same situation.


"Ok, I'll tell you the important things, may be it'll help you to get back to normal."

"...Hope so."

"Me too." Head smiled "Let's star then... hum... 1992, we were on crisis that year. Richard's drug addiction was horrible and he said he was quitting the band because of it. We wanted to continue and I join you guys on guitars and not just as you roadie." He remembered that, but after these points it was a whole new path.

"We managed to stay as a bad, Richard was send to recover, therapy and everything, we were writing songs and doing some gigs." Head closed his eyes "We fought a lot and many times one of us was about to quit, yet we stayed. Richard was worst than ever, even with therapy he just snapped and was making a mess of out of everything, it was very difficult to stand it but with the sole propose of not letting this destroy us, we keep playing..."

For some reason Head looked in pain while talking, Munky's attention was on him the whole time, trying to find the catch, a signal, something to verify if this was a joke and how to get out of it. But the more attention he paid to Brian's expression, the more he believed it was real and that was not what he wanted.

It hurt.

"To stay active we became backup band for some groups while waiting for something, something to get us back on the road."

Head sighed again and then laughed a little, the sound was bitter, though.

"It never came?" asked Munky, looking at the door and not Brian who shook his head at his question.

"Sort of," He said "Richard finally recovered a few years latter, with all this philosophic stuff with him to defeat the temptation he said. Sometimes I think is just an excuse to his behavior, I know it's not his fault, all the abuse and damage he did to his mind and body could not pass without consequences...” Head bit his lip, thinking very hard about this last stamen.

"Sometimes its plain scary, I feel that I don't that guy that looks like Richard yet speaks and behaves like someone else. I truly want to know who is talking to me…” He whispered more like thinking out loud than explaining himself.

"Anyway we were on hiatus for a while but the company released a compilation of our EP and the first album in the '97, we got to work again after that, got 'Without Surface' together a year latter, and we are now working on tour. That's pretty much it."

Munky nodded "Fans?"

"We do have, that' cool, considering that many didn't remembered us."

"So... that night back in '93 we did leave early the club and never saw Sexart's performance..." He whispered, more to himself than Head.

"Sexart?" he asked "What are you talking about?"

"I guess... It doesn't matter..." Munky closed his eyes "I'm tired"

"Sleep then, we'll be back tomorrow." Head was worried, yet he knew better than push Munky too much, especially considering his strange recent behavior, so he left him to rest.

When the door closed, Munky's lip quivered so he bit it to not cry and suppressed a sob.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He went to the only person of the band the remotely could know something about Jonathan. Fieldy, since both their parents knew each other.

But Fieldy told him that he didn't knew Jonathan Davis, nothing about him, the name was somehow intriguing, but he didn't actually remember the person.

Munky was shocked and confused about this, he couldn't do much more than go on with the strange life he had at the moment.

It felt surreal...

The music was good. It really was, yet he couldn't really feel it as his, the notes looked like something he could come up with, and there was also Fieldy, Head and David but...

Munky looked over the people, their audience, it wasn't bad and Richard's voice was fitting for the music... because the music was done for Richard's voice after all.

In another life, by this time they had reached the ears of many more people, with another name, another kind of music, another singer.

He was living a lie or was he living a reality with the memory of a very vivid dream? He couldn't tell anymore.

He searched around music stores of the different cities they visited within the estates for some kind of mark, a left over of Jonathan and Sexart but found nothing.

When December arrived Head told him that they were going back to Bakersfield for the holidays and latter on the tour was going to continue. He just nodded.

Munky was not smiling anymore and by the end of the last gig he was at the edge of depression.

All of them tried to cheer him up, with little success in doing so. They decided to take a longer Holiday break, since Munky was not in conditions to work properly.

Brian took him to a psychiatrist when he felt that Munky could do something stupid.

The doctor was a Lady with a great sense for his job, Munky tried to avoid her at first, but after a few sessions, he gave up and en up telling her everything.

"I'm crazy."

"You are not crazy, James." she assured him. Her name was Meredith Dolson, she called him Mr. Shaffer at first, then cut it to James since Munky didn't feel comfortable by being called by his last name.

"I remember a life that I don't have; I want to find a person that I don't even know if actually exists. I... I..."

"Have you tried to search for this Jonathan?" Munky looked her in disbelieve.

"No. Not really."

"Why don't you do it?"

"This is a tricky question is it? If I say yes you are going to mark me as an official Looney."

"Actually, I'm saying that to me it seem that you remember this Jonathan with far too much acknowledge, like if you have actually know him, this impression comes to me because you know more than foggy details, if he is real, you can try to find him, so you can see for yourself if all this dream of yours has a meaning or not."

"I thought that supporting you patients in their delirium was a bad thing."

"I'm serious James, you are not crazy, just very, very confuse and scared, the medication and therapy had helped you a lot, so you are not a danger to yourself anymore," She explained "I have my reasons to believe that this dream life of yours maybe something else."

"I'm Bipolar?"

"And a time traveler? I don't think so." She was taking notes as usual "Besides, most bipolar patients are not able to remember what they did most of the time and those around them notice the erratic behavior. You remember all with much detail, like a very vivid dream and you friends have stayed that you were with them, plain normal. So the vivid dream theory might be more accurate"

"Of a whole life?"

"It's possible...." She said while putting her clipboard on her lap "You need to see for yourself if this person you dream of is real or not and face the truth against the dream, so you can advance." Doc. Dolson took a piece of pepper from her desk and gave it to him "You have to face the dream, make a decision, overcome it and move on. And you have to do it now."

Munky took the piece of paper and looked at it. It was Jonathan's Address from Bakersfield.

"Why are you giving me this?" He asked not sure of what to do.

"The address is real, in that 'other life' you knew this address and it also exist here" she explained "I confirmed it a few days ago so... you could star there." She smiled.

Munky left the building still confused yet with a plan. If Jonathan was out there, he was going to find him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And so, he was there, in front of a house he knew and only visited a couple of times, Jonathan's father's house in Bakersfield.

He lifted his hand to press the door bell once. As his hand fell he stood there like a statue, just waiting.

A man opened the door, he knew this man, Jonathan's father, but he looked much older and exhausted than he remembered him, James bit the inside of his cheek for a moment.

"Can I help you?"

"Hum... Yes Sir, Mr. Davis... I was wondering if you could help me find Jonathan Davis... I-I need to talk to him... please..."

He was afraid but when the expression in Jonathan's father face changed to look sad for a moment, then a little angry, he didn't know how to feel. Behind the owner of the house came a figure but James was not able to see who that person was.

"I'm afraid I can't help you, young man."

"Y-you c-can't?" shuddered Munky, he was trembling a little while his heart was running faster than ever.

"My son is dead."

His heart stopped. The word around him was crumbling down, the sound disappeared and the cold wind blow against his cheeks while the dark clouds above the sky rumble with the sound of an income storm.


"I'm sorry." The man closed the door, leaving him there, speechless and hollow.

He didn't notice he was crying, the tears went down his cheeks and the drops of rain mixed with them. The guitarist turned around and walked around with no direction at all, his body was numb and his mind was still in shook.

The rain was heavily falling by now, still he didn't notice. His destination ended up being a solitary park where he sat in one of the benches and stared ahead of him.

He remained still for around five minutes until finally a raw scream escaped his throat and the violent sobs broke his stance. He pulled at his hair and screamed over an over again in frustration and pure sadness.

"What kind of horrid world is this?!" he said in a mixture of anger and pain "Jon... No, no, no... Jon..."

He held his head in his hands while sobbing and closed his eyes. Remembering the last thing he said to him, before waking up in this reality, where his life seemed to be now and since ever, even if he didn't wanted to believe it.

"I'm sorry..."

He just sat there, now in silence while his sobs now and then broke the silence. He opened his eyes, staring at a pound being hit by the drops of rain, that's when he notice that even thinking that the rain was falling, he couldn't feel it on his skin. Munky turned around to find a woman holding an umbrella over them, just watching him.

"...Hum" He didn't know what to say, she seemed very familiar, almost like... like Jon.

"For someone that I have never seen around my brother before, you cried a lot for his death."


"It almost looks like you lost a brother or something."

"I did... even if in this disgusting place I couldn't be by his side."

"Really?" she raised and eyebrow and made a face filled with mistrust. Munky turned around to not see her, she resembled Jonathan too much, and it hurt to see that.


She stood there, not moving or talking while Munky was like a rock too. Just the sound of the rain dropping around them and nothing else, they stayed that way for what seemed a long time until she sighed.

"Explain yourself."

"I can't..." Munky closed his eyes "I just can't stand it, this place, all of this, especially what your father just told me. What's left for me? I'm just standing hallow... Damn you, I cannot even cry over this lost and not feel even worse, I lost a brother and he didn't know that I exist... and never will." He was speaking his mind, but she seemed surprised by something he said.

"Tell me something."

"What?" he said with no emotion, looking over his shoulder at Jon's female doppelganger.

"Your name,"


"Tell me your name." she repeated

"James... James Shaffer." she blinked then nodded.

"Well James, I'm Alyssa Davis and I don't really know what's wrong with you but I'm going to help you a bit."

"And how you pretend to do that? Rising you brother from the dead?" he was angry now.


Munky stood up and glared at her, truly angry "How can you say such cruel thing?"

"Don't go all psycho on me." she said, her tone still calm "I'll meet you at the 24/7 cafe down main street by midnight, if you really care for Jonathan as you just screamed and cried a few moments ago, then you should come."

Alyssa turned around to leave, holding her umbrella and not looking back at him.

Munky let himself fall onto the muddy ground and closed his eyes.

"This is too much..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Go home, take a shower, grab a few thing and then to the 24/7 Cafe.

He had nothing more to lose than what was left of his mental sanity, with was not very much, actually.

When he entered the place, there were not many people there and in a corner of the place was a table where Alyssa was waiting for him, staring at her glass.

"Hey..." he called softly, she looked up and Munky had to bit the inside of his cheek to force himself to keep his calm once again.

She looked so much like Jon...

"I hope I'm doing the right thing..." she whispered while he sat in the chair on the opposite side of the table "James, tell me what you know about my brother."

His eyes went from her to the table, he placed both his hand on the surface and closed his eyes.

"His full name is Jonathan Houseman Davis, his parent got divorce when he was little and was raised by his father and stepmother here in Bakersfield. He couldn't stand his stepmother no matter what. He plays the bagpipes and other musical instruments. People made fun of him because he liked Duran Duran and dressed up funny and used to call him... Fagot, all the time."

Munky lifted his eyes, Alyssa was looking at him and then a nod from her was his signal to continue.

"He was a really nice guy, but not many people stopped to see that, they just judge and leave. He felt that no one was there enough time to actually know him." James closed his eyes "He just wanted someone to give a damn, even for just a second."

"Why weren't you there?" she finally asked

"I don't know... I was not given the chance, not here anyway..."

Alyssa smiled; it was a sad smile, but a smile anyway. Then it changed, she actually laughed. James just blinked, not knowing what else to do.

"I could have been different, you sound so sincere..." she whispered.

"I am."

They remain in silence for a few minutes, and then Alyssa took a sip of water and sighed heavily.

"My brother was always alone or with bad company, there was not much that could be done about it. High School was a living hell for him and Home was not any better, not with Sharon there, even now I don't get why she hated him so much.”

"Jon managed to stay more or less unaffected from the pressure for a while. He just went to class, then to play the bagpipes and to work at the morgue. But things started to drop down... He was so depressed..."

Munky had the horrible feeling that Alyssa was going to tell him that in this twisted world Jonathan had committed suicide.

"Drugs of course only made it worse; he was at the edge that slices destiny. One part of him making the choice, another just leaving it to pure luck strikes, he reached the point in witch he couldn't tell what was real and what was not."

"One night he just went in a rampage and tried to attack our stepmother when she was being nasty with him again. I don't blame him, though." Alyssa took the glass in her hands and her eyes were lost in her memories "Our dad took him to a rehabilitation center, they were suppose to help him, you know? The results were not as expected. Yes, Jon got clean and sober, but then they realized that Jon's physiologic traumas were beyond the drug effects... but it could be treated, it was mostly depression."

"We were able to get by. Jon finished school and kept his work at the morgue while doing some local performance with his band."


"Yes, that's the name. But they were not able to go very far, Jon was giving all his might to support himself and the band... temptation was there always, drugs and alcohol, the band didn't last and Jonathan was left with the piece of a dream again. He tried again to rebuilt it but our stepmother's constant nagging was becoming too much for him, the most horrible day I can remember was when she actually hurt him, too much really, I tried to stop the fight, because my brother was not defending himself, but Jon shoved me out of it for my own good, but... Jon lost it when I was hurt by accident; he just lost it and went after her, hatred in his eyes very clear."

Alyssa stayed silent again, took another sip of water and continued.

"Or father arrived just in time to see this and stopped him, but the damage was done. Our stepmother wanted to throw him out of the house at first, our father didn't agree and then she came up with and even more horrible solution..."

James could only picture the whole scenario in his mind, looking at the image of a young Jonathan fighting. He was able to leave alcohol and drugs behind, in this path a little earlier than the other life he remembered, but for some reason that didn't make this scenario any better.

"Jon was looked up in a mental hospital, away from his family, from his music, from everyone. I visited him almost every day, if I was able to go, I went, no matter what that horrible woman said. He wanted to get out so badly, He apologized to our stepmother many times, I cannot even remember how many and to our father even more so, but they didn't let him out, the doctors said it was a danger, mostly to his own self than others... so my father allowed them to heavily medicate him."

He could picture it as if he could actually taste the bitter moment in when Jonathan begged for his father's forgiveness only to be cast away for his own good. Even thinking James knew that Jon's father only wanted to help him; it was most probably that Jon only got a harder blow to handle.

"My brother was dying inside... he was always numb, always unfocussed by the effect of pills and sedatives, never his own self, he was not able to write, not able to play music, he was just there like..."

"A freak on a leash." Munky said unconsciously, his eyes instantly went to Alyssa's; she was sad and hurt but also looked relived for some reason.

"Exactly." She shed a single tear "When he was able to, he asked me for help... we... we came up with a plan then. Jon took the meds and was to behave like they wanted him to. Eventually they lower the medical dose and he was released, back to us and the opportunity to live... but..."


"My father was afraid that he might snap again and our stepmother just plain hated him, so home was not safe anymore."

Not even home?

"I notice that Jon was slipping, he never was his own self, even with the meds he was not suppose to be that way” she was tapping her fingers against the table “Then, there was this one day that I actually took him to the hospital because he was feeling very sick. The doctors told him that he made a mistake in his medical dose and over did it... that was not the case, actually.” She closed her eyes and in her face appeared an expression of pure anger “It was our stepmother's doing: She managed to make him took more meds than required, putting them in his drink or food. I was the sole witness of this but since I'm always by Jon's side, I was not taken very serious, as if I as only talking because he is my brother and not because that woman actually was doing a bad thing. He told our father about it, saying that he was scare of what she could do to him but... but he didn't believe him. Jon screamed that it was just like when he told him that he was being hurt by a neighbor, nobody believed him.... So Jon finally ended."

"Did he...? No..."

"No, he didn't." Alyssa got up and smiled "I told you that if you really cared for Jon, you should come and you did. My brother's only dead to my father's eyes, not for real."

Munky stared at her for a long minute, it felt like and eternity and finally got up and took her by the shoulders "For Real?!"

"Yes, for real. My father is just deeply hurt by his leaving, he had made no contact with him since then, but with me, well, that's a different story"

"Where, where is he!? I have to see him!" he said exited, Alyssa got off his grip, left a couple of bills on the table and went to the door "WAIT!"

Once outside she was about to look for a cab to leave when Munky took her by the arm "Please, please tell me."

"Look... I cannot do that, even if you said just the right words, I really don't know you."

"Please Alyssa..."

She was just there, staring at him for a long time, thinking hard of what to do; finally she closed her eyes and opened her mouth to speak:

"My brother ran away and joined the circus."


"That's it; my brother ran away and joined the circus. You try to find him you might by able to do it."

"But... but"

"You will, I have this feeling that you will. Right now I had done enough; you know Jonathan's alive, out there, the rest it's up to you."

"Not even a location?" He begged “I don't know were to star!”

"Jesus... hum... Las Vegas, that's it."

She took the cab and smiled at him before waiving good bye. James stood there, astonish.

Jonathan was alive.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After the holidays, the tour was back and the dates had changed a little thanks to James.

"And why we are doing this, again?" asked David looking at the road while playing with his drumsticks.

"We already told you four times, stop asking." said a very irritated Brian, his eyes were closed and his was in his bunk, trying to rest.

They were on the tour bus, next locations, Las Vegas. James had talked to them, he wanted to play there, he insisted on it and when Brian finally asked him why, he told him that it was port of his therapy, so Brian had a conversation with Dr. Dolson and she supported James in his 'Facing the facts to get over depression' program and therefore James' request.

Their manager was able to arranger a couple of gigs in Las Vegas and now they were on their way there.

Richard was asleep, he didn't particularly cared one bit, Fieldy was somehow not surprised and Head had given up trying to figure out Munky's resent actions. David still insisted something else was up and he was still asking about it, but was being ignored so far. James was in his bunk too, thinking very hard and not able to sleep. The curtain of his bunk was closed so no one could see him, but he was able to hear the others outside.

"Leave it alone David." said Fieldy "Just enjoy the ride, we're going to Vegas"

"Sure, whatever..."

James closed his eyes, he was not particularly sure of what to do next, Alyssa gave him an entire city to look and something about a circus, that detail made no sense to him.

Still, he wanted to do this as soon as possible because he noticed that he was starting to forget more and more about the other life. Names, places and faces, all of this was fading very fast and he feared that Jonathan's memory was going to be next.

Still, a circus? That made no sense, it was almost anti climatic.

"Do you guys know any circus in Las Vegas?" he felt very stupid asking that.

"Man, you have issues." said Brian "The Circus Circus maybe?"

"Circus Circus?" He asked, showing his head out of his bunk

"That's a Casino." said Fieldy "Its name is 'Circus Circus' and as you can figure by the name it has a Circus like theme, so there you have it."

James looked at them for a few minutes to then go back to his bunk and close the curtains. He wasn't sure if this was what Alyssa meant by saying that Jonathan had run away and join the circus, he felt that it was most likely to going to find a younger version of Brandon Flowers wondering around thinking of the future and not knowing that he was to leave his actual band to then be part of The Killers than finding Jonathan.

Time was running out, and if he didn't do something soon, the memories of the other life were to fade away and with them, the memory of Jonathan and his whole life with Korn.

James bit his lip to keep himself from sighing. He had been doing that a lot lately...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Viva Las Vegas, baby!" shouted Fieldy, their audience clapped and screamed with him and the show started.

They were playing at a club down town but the place was nice and full of people, by watching them and others bands play, he actually smiled during the whole thing, the music felt right.

That scared him.

A voice in the back of his head was telling him to hurry, there was not much time left, his mind and soul were adapting to his life, the memories of the 'Vivid Dream' were vanishing and the 'Real Memories' were raising. He could remember what Head had told him about the band and the worst of it... He could actually remember the day he leaved the club early, sealing their fate by not meeting Jonathan.

He was loosing it, and that was why his own mind was fighting to regain sanity, to keep him from falling. Still, he refused; he was not giving up just yet.

Not yet.

The after show party had been fun, but he didn't drink, he didn't do much actually. The next day they were going to chill out, they next gig was not until the day after tomorrow and he wanted to use all the time he had to look for Jonathan so he was to wake up early and first go to the Circus Circus Hotel & Casino, there was his starting line.

And so, there he was, standing in the main hall of the Circus Circus Hotel & Casino, people were walking around not paying attention to him and he was just there, not doing anything. He realized that he didn't know what to do, to find Jonathan, right, that was the objective, but how to do it?

Ask questions, get answers.

James entered the Casino, people were playing at the machines and tables, he could see the elevator that went up the second floor, were there were amusement park like attraction for kids. He got some change and played for a while, just when he won a waitress was passing by with some drinks.

"Looks like you have luck today, you better use It." she said "Can I get you anything, darling?"

"Well... you could help me find a friend, I think he works here."


"His name is Jonathan Davis." he said with hope in his eyes, the waitress was thinking hard so he took some of his bill and leaved them in her trail, then smiled, she raised and eyebrow and laughed quietly.

"Ok. Let me see what can I do, I'll be back in a moment."

Nearly and hour latter she came back, alone. James sighed deeply, looking obviously disappointed.

"I'm sorry darling, I was talking to one of my friends in HR, she looked for your friend but it seems that there is no Jonathan Davis working here."

"...I see. Thank you anyway."

There was his last chance. What to do, where to look for? He had no idea now. He was about to leave when the waitress stopped him.

"Is this person very important?"

"Yes... you have no idea." She looked at him with pity, James felt stupid and depressed, soon Jonathan's face was going to fade from his memories and his mind was going to just forget everything about him.

He didn't want to forget him; he didn't want all of this to happen in first place.

"Is he famous?" She took his arm to guide him to the back of the Casino, passing by the 'Restricted' doors and into the staff's dressing rooms.

"I truly don't know."

"Hum... Tell me more about him, something important." she asked while digging in her locker.

"Well... he... hum... he knows how to play a lot of instruments." That was the fact that had made Jonathan a star in the other life; maybe here it was useful too.

"What kind of music?" she took a couple of paper sheet and looked at him, waiting for his answer.

"God... well... He likes rock, heavy rock, but I have no idea if he still plays or not."

She looked at him with a clear expression that said 'And you really think that says that he is important to you? You know nothing about him!' but she kept the words to herself.

"I had seen the name before." she finally said.

"For real?!" He nearly jumped to take her by the shoulders but he was able to keep his emotions under control. She just nodded and handed him the paper sheet she was holding in her hands.

"May be you are looking in the wrong 'Circus' for you friend."

"Is there any other Circus here?"

"Two of them, actually." She pointed to the paper sheets "Two of the Resident Cirque Du Soleil shows are here in Las Vegas, I like them a lot so I keep the information programs. You can see there, in the staff paper sheet section of the musicians your friend's name."

James was afraid to look but he did it, and indeed there it was. Jon's name was under the Musicians credits section of Cirque Du Soleil's "O".

"That Jonathan might be the one you are looking for."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Bellagio, home of Cirque Du Soleil's "O" show, the very proof of acting, exquisite music and magic on the stage.

How on earth had Jonathan ended up there?

Looking at the option, plain and simple, it was actually not possible. But he was already there and there was no where else to look for, so it was worth giving a try.

The show was truly marvelous, it was just amazing and the music was so beautiful. It also was not the kind of music Jonathan would actually play, was it?

He was starting to lose hope again, the image of Jon fading from his mind when all around the music a very familiar sound came to him, reaching inside, and giving shape to the fading presence of Jonathan in his memory.

"Bagpipes..." he whispered looking pass the scenery and were the musicians were playing live at the performance. He could hear the bagpipes, Jonathan's bagpipes.

He ran. He literally ran from his seat once the show had ended and into the Hotel, searching a way to go backstage.

It was not and easy thing to do.

"Sir, you are not allowed to be here." He didn't care, he ran pass security, not a very clever thin to do, but he was not thinking straight at the moment "Stop!"

The security guard was shouting something to his radio while running behind him, when Munky was able to pass backstage; some of the musicians were at the very end of the hall, talking among each other.

He couldn't see Jonathan anywhere.

"Jonathan!" he screamed "I need to find Jonathan Davis!"

The people looked at him, some of the girls of the show still in their costume started to talk in French, they looked almost afraid of him, witch was actually a normal reaction, there he was, a tall man with bad looking dreadlocks, baggy cloths, not part of the staff shouting and trespassing the security of one of the most important places in Las Vegas.

Not looking good.

"Jon—!" Before he could go any further, he was taken away from the place and outside the hotel. He was almost sure he was going to be arrested but instead he was just throw outside the hotel and said to not come back.

He cursed his actions, he was desperate and that only had giving him more problems.

"You know, you could have asked the hostess for information or something, they would have told you that we go around The Bellagio after the shows, we live here after all."

James lifted himself from the floor in slow motion and turned around to face a pair of very familiar eyes.

"I personally like to go to the Conservatory and Botanical Gardens, also the Fountains are pretty cool." the voice was the same, his eyes too, the only difference were his current looks. This person had short brown hair and a pair of more delicate looking eyeglasses, contrary of the black ones Munky remembered; he was still wearing the show's suit and looking a little bore.


"That's my name. What about you?" He stayed still for a long time, jus gagging, while Jon was looking at him up and down, studding his persona.

"J-James, James Shaffer."

He had his arms crossed over his chest, and looked a little surprised by the name. James was trembling, not sure of what to do now. Jon looked like when he cut his hair to get ride of the dreadlocks to get new ones latter back in the other life when they were doing the Fallow The Leader album. His hair was his original color, dark brown and not black; he looked healthy enough and was not wearing any kind of beard or mustache.

"Well James, for someone that looked so desperate to talk to me, even risking getting arrest, you are not saying much." Jon moved his head from side to side with a mock smile "I told the guards that I was expecting you but I didn't know what happened to you, so they didn't call the police as a favor to me, you own me a big one, I'm pretty sure the Cirque's Chief Executive is going to be mad at me for a while."

"I-I'm sorry." He managed to said, slowly making his brain work again "You were expecting me?"

"More or less. My sister called me recently, telling me about this guy from Bakersfield that wanted to talk to me, she described someone like you."

So, Alyssa was actually sure that he was going to end up finding Jonathan after all. She had faith in him, she really believed him enough to point to the way to reach Jon.

"Yes, that's me, I..."

"She told me you looked somehow torn when my father told you that I was dead."

"I-I... Yes I was."

"Why?" Jona asked in a serious tone "We don't even know each other."

"Not in this life, anyway." he whispered while lowering his gaze to the ground. Jonathan took one step closer to him, lowering his body to be almost under Munky's gaze.

"This life? Is there any other?"

"It feels like it. It truly feels like it."

What was he thinking? This whole thing was not right, now in front of him was Jonathan, but he didn't remembered him, it was not like if Jonathan knew about the other life, where they were friends, were they have a band, were the things were so different...

"Fuck!" shouted James in frustration, making Jon back away from him. He held his head in aggravation, he felt so lost.

"Do you wanna grab a bit to eat? I'm hungry" said Jonathan, James lifted his eyes, he was once again with the bore expression he held a few minutes ago "My treat."

"S...sure, if you don't have to go back to work."

"Not today." He assured him "Let's go."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He waited for him at the entrance of section were some of the staff had their department in the hotel. He sat beside the security cabin, the guard was giving him a nasty look but James ignored it.

"I'm ready." when he was on his feet he found out that Jonathan had changed his cloths, now he was wearing jeans, tennis and an ADIDAS jacket. To this set, he now was wearing a pair of black frame eyeglass, Munky couldn't help but smile.

They went around Main Street, walking among the people while Munky was mostly talking about L.A.P.D and his works with music. Jonathan was paying attention most of the time while also being his guide around the city.

Jonathan decided to eat in a nice restaurant down town.

"It sounds great; I was not able to finish a single when I was in a band, much less two albums. You have something there, it's cool."

"Could be better." He said without thinking, Jon made a face at him "What?"

"That statement was very greedy, aren't you happy with what you have?" he asked, now was Munky's turn to make a face.

"Are you?" Jonathan was not expecting that, he lowered his gaze and picked at his food for a few minutes.

"I actually like it. It's much better than not being able to think straight, besides the Cirque Du Soleil Company it's pretty important, I'm sure I can make something big out of this." Jon gave him a little smile "I'm not sure how much time I'm going to... oh, forget it"

"No, I want to listen, really. Besides, I had already talked too much about myself." James insisted. He needed to know more about this Jonathan. The man in question nodded and after taking a bite of his food crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him in the eyes.

"My sister told me she talked with you and she told you about me, my break down and the time I was in the hospital" Munky nodded "Well... when I was there, feeling like a freak on a leash, many things came to me."

So, that was the phrase that made Alyssa talk to him, he had said exactly the same thing that Jon told her while being there, unable to do a damn thing about it.

Jonathan put his arms on the table and his head in his hands, looking tired and bore at the same time, but every once in a while he would flash a smile.

"I was very lucky when the director of the musicians of the Cirque offer me to be part of the group; it's not easy after all."

"Yes... Yes indeed." Jon had a point there.

"I'm recovering of... well... my whole damn life until a couple of years ago. If I'm not jumping with joy right now it's because I don't see that I have to, I can't celebrate victory until I actually cross the goal line."

"That's... also true."

"James... what are you looking for? Is something I can help you achieve? Because, honestly, I don't get you at all."

He sat there, thinking. What was he suppose to do? Ask Jon to come with him and build Korn in this strange world? This life was different, this Jonathan was also different, and even he felt different. If he asked Jon to come with him, he might take away this other chance Jonathan had right now to build a life, since he was not sure if they were to reach success or not.

"I... I don't know anymore... I guess I only wanted to see you again, apologize, and make clear that I was just angry that... that I..." Even thinking Jon most likely had no idea of what Munky was talking about, he continue "I'm sorry for what I said that day, It was a lie, I do not regret, no even for a moment, the day we met in that night club, when I heard you sing and saw that you were just what our band was looking for, you became my friend and all the great years that gave me are something that I will always be grateful for... I might forget all what's left of that vivid dream tomorrow... I guess I only wanted to meet you for real."

He couldn't bring himself to look at Jonathan now, so he lowered his gaze and fixed it in a single spot of the table. He couldn't see when unconsciously Jonathan moved his arm, his hand looking for a dreadlock that was not there. He gritted his teeth and hid his hand under the table then, looking from one side to another while biting his lower lip.

"I'm sorry for bother you this much." whispered Munky and finally looked Jon in the eye. Jon was looking almost sad, Munky' couldn't tell why.

"Is your band playing tonight?"


"Can I come with you to see the show?" He was not expecting that request so he was visible surprised for it.

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"Yes... I really want to."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Munky introduced Jonathan to the others when he came back. Jonathan was almost shy in front of the others, but he was smiling some more. Fieldy took the chance to talk with Munky alone when Head and David were chatting with Jon.

"So, Jonathan Davis." He said "I remembered him now."

"Heh?" Munky's expression clearly showed he was lost by this point.

"I remember him, school if I'm not wrong. People used to make fun of him a lot, always giving him a hard time; I think I did it too."

"So, you forgot about him?"

"I'm not sure, the name was ringing a bell, but nothing came until now." He said "It's strange, it feels weird, like it something else is missing, I wonder why..."

"James?" called Jon over his shoulder, he went to him with Fieldy at his side to join the circle were they were talking a few minutes ago.

"Don't call the fucker like if he was the great thing since sliced bread came out, he doesn't deserve it!" joked Head giving Jon a little punch on the shoulder, Jon laughed a bit.

"Isn't that his name?" he asked.

"We call him Munky." said David as a matter of fact "Most of the time anyway, hearing someone calling him by his name is weird."

"Munky..." whispered Jonathan, like trying to feel the flavor in the nickname and shape it to James “It feels right."

"Yeah" agree David and Head at the same time.

Jonathan lifted his hand, as if trying to get a hold of something near his head but found nothing. James saw this but didn't actually pay much attention, just that strange feeling as Jonathan sighed and walked over the guys to talk.

Munky was just there, watching, he suddenly felt depressed, knowing that his was not meant to be. He felt glad that he had actually found Jonathan, at least he knew that he was not crazy and the person he consider a friend was doing well too, even if it was way apart from them.

His life was falling away, he couldn't take it. Why couldn't the other life be real? This one was not bad, he had L.A.P.D and Jon had a road to a good future, it was actually very good but...

But it didn't really felt like THE Life.

Hollow, not real.

Not The Life.

This... wasn't the life, he had already got the life and this was not the life he got. The dream was not just a dream; it was The Life, his life. He had already apologized with Jonathan, he had regretted his words. Now he truly understood. Even after all the hell they had been through, what had happened when Brian left the band, then David. It was all part of his life, and even if it was not 100% perfect, it was his.

He wanted it back.

"Munks, are you ok there?" asked Fieldy, he saw his friends looking at him, all of them worry, Jonathan included.

"I... I... Yes, I'm fine."

"Then answerer Jon." pointed Head while one of his arms was over Jon's shoulders.

"What was the question?" Jonathan looked at him directly in the eyes, something was sparkling in there and when Jon smiled, Munky was able to see the light.

"Pay attention Munky! We are about to play!" warned Fieldy. Now were only them, Jonathan, Fieldy and himself standing near the stairs of the stage.

"Sorry, sorry, but for real, Jon, what do you wanted to ask me?"

Jonathan just stood there smiling; he crossed his arms and asked again:

"Are you ready to rock?"

Before James could say anything, the bright light blinded him and then everything was white to then fade to black, he consciousness was slipping but just before passing out he was able to hear Jonathan's voice as a whisper.

"...See you on the other side."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There was a buzz in his ears, a sound quiet annoying but it was becoming less and less bothersome by the seconds pass until it disappeared. True to be told, he didn't want to open his eyes, afraid of what he was to see upon doing so. The sounds around him were becoming clearer, there was a machine making this rhythmical beeping noise, footsteps far behind a closed door and no wind. He on a bed, something was attached to the back of his hand it actually hurt to move.

His logic came to the conclusion that he was in a hospital, he couldn't tell why, though.

The world around him was kind of blurry; he could remember that he was going to perform live but before going to the stage Jonathan asked something that made the world around him spin and then nothing.

Jonathan... he had been able to found Jonathan, but now once again he was lost in confusion, what was waiting him by opening his eyes?

There was only one way to find out...

Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes slowly. He was indeed in a hospital, the room was dark but not in complete darkness, he could see that there was someone in the couch near the bed, he couldn't tell how just yet.

"Where..?" he was not able to finish because his voice was raspy, his throat hurt because it was dry, he coughed a little, the person in the couch moved slyly but when James pressed his lips together to stop the sound, said persona also remain asleep.

With much care he reached for the night stand, where a glass with water was and took it to drink the liquid.

"...Yeah, right" said a low voice coming from the hall way outside the room, the door was being open "You can go ahead and try, if you are able to take him as far as to the cafeteria I'm gonna celebrate your victory"

"I did take him out of the room yesterday." He knew those voices, both of them, the first one from many years, the second was familiar but he felt his head hurt a little by the effort of making his troughs clear "I'm pretty sure that by this point the nurses don't even try to ask him, so is up to us."

"Fine, Let me do it this time Ray."

Both men stopped when the light was set to medium, noticing that the patient on the hospital bed, their friend, was awake.

"Munks!" Gasped Fieldy to latter on run to his friends bedside, right behind was Ray, who was showing evident content in his face, he moved around to room to kneel besides the couch, Munky's eyes fallowed him as Fieldy took his hand. Ray was trying to wake Jonathan up, who was the persona asleep on the couch.

"Jon..." He said in a low voice "Jon, Munky's awake." Jonathan moved a little but Ray decided to ease his moves and just stayed besides him, looking over his shoulder at Fieldy and Munky "Maybe in five."

"What happened?" asked Munky, lowering himself on the pillows and closing his eyes, his whole body ached.

"Car accident" said Fieldy "The truck diver was able to slow down the speed, so you were not fully hit, but the impacts send your car against a retaining wall. You bruised yourself pretty badly, but hell bro! You were lucky, you didn't break a single bone, just a lot of cuts, concussion, and blood... lots of blood actually, could've been worse."

Munky nodded slowly, watching his own hand, he had bandages from said bruises and cuts in both arms. He raised his arm to touch his head, he felt his long dreads and the bandages around his forehead, he moved slowly, there was pain but not as much as he expected.

"How long I was out?" he was starting to remember; the fight, his run from the stage, the truck... and then a bizarre experience, another world were his life had been very different, had it actually happened? He was not sure, but at the moment he couldn't think straight anyway.

"Hum... almost three weeks." Munky stared at Fieldy, clearly confused of why if the accident had not been as hard as it could've been still he was unconscious that much time.


"I have no idea. Doctor said it was up to you to wake up; physically there was no real damage or danger risking your health. The nasty knock you have on your head is not that bad and is healing; your thick skull protected you." Munky found the strength to laugh a little, that made Fieldy feel better.

Ray smiled and then his attention went back to Jonathan. The drummer put his hand over Jon's forehead and was visible relived to find that his temperature was normal.

"Something's wrong with Jon?" asked Munky, now not sure of why Ray was over the singer as he was now.

"More or less, he's fine now." said Ray to motion Fieldy to be the one explaining the whole situation. Munky's eye went to his friend besides him.

"After your accident Jonathan was too shocked when we arrived, he had a panic attack that evolved into something very similar to an asthma attack; with his medical history it was not that strange, even if he had not had one in years. He was admitted in this same hospital, but he was too stubborn to stay still, he wanted to see you and for some reason he eventually got ill, fever and all that shit. Again, too stubborn to stay still and rest, his body couldn't take it and it got worse, the staff had to knock him out with meds to allow his body to recover, he seemed to be fine a couple of days ago and used that excuse to stay here, He pretty much ignored the doctor and the whole medical staff, so they just came to give him a dose to end his treatment and allow him to stay here."

Munky was able to see that Jon had still attached to the back of his hand the catheter for the IV needle. Ray gave him a couple of pats on the back and slowly Jon's eyes opened, trying to focus around him.

"Hey, Jon." Ray handled him his eyeglass while Jonathan was getting into a sitting position on the couch "Munk's awake."

Jonathan's senses were back immediately and his eyes fixed on James. The singer sighed in relieve and gave him a little smile.

"Jon... I" Munky remain with his mouth open for a moment, and then turned more serious "I'm sorry, for what I said—”

"It's ok. Doesn't matter." interrupted Jonathan, getting up to sit by his side, opposite to Fieldy while Ray stayed behind Jon.

"It matters, I'm sorry; I should've no said those things."

"You were angry; it's not a big deal, no damage done."

Munky nodded and stayed in silence for a long minute.

"I don't regret It." he said, Jon blinked "I do not regret meeting you, I have never done it, no matter what words I say, I don't regret what we have achieve, even now. I don't regret be part of this."

"That's... Thanks Munks, I feel the same." said Jonathan, feeling that those were the correct words to say.

Fieldy and Ray laughed a bit as Jon remain calm. Munky's eyes studied all of them and then his own hands and smiled.

The journey came to and end, he found what he was looking for, he was able to go back and continue in the already selected road, is it should be.

He was back. He got the life.

* * * * * * * * * *


A month latter and James life was normal again... or something like that. There was no permanent damage after the accident, at leas not fiscal damage. His thoughts were a whole different story.

The memory of what had happen, or what he thought had happen, was still fresh in his mind and he was overanalyzing it. Why had he lived a dreamed or experienced a strange second life were he had never found Jonathan?

Probably because he had said that he wished it that way. He had said that sometimes he wished that he had walked away that night club early and by consequence not being able to met Jonathan. He had spilled to Jon's face, even if it was a lie.

The clear confusion was taking over his mind every once in a while, he felt that he may wake up in a different life, alone. Fighting all over again the nightmare, not being able to see what was a dream and what was actually real.

That was not the case, though.

Nothing of such case had happen after he woke up in the hospital. Jonathan was around all the time, as normal. The singer felt ill a couple of times, mostly because of exhaustion and fever, it was not as serious as if his life was in danger, it was, actually, just strange, because it seemed to not have logic that Jonathan's body was reacting that way to not an actual illness. He was getting better, no less and with it his inspiration was also coming back, giving him the feeling to work on new material for the upcoming album.

As for him, he was mostly tired, but not fell sick or anything like Jonathan.

They had been on the studio a lot. James was playing like a mad man, every bridge, sound or melody that came upon his mind he just materialized it and recorded it, even if they were not to use it with the final material.

James was constantly looking at Jonathan over his shoulder, making sure that the singer was still there, standing, writing, singing, breathing, eating…. just existing, there, besides them.

For Fieldy and Ray this was very notorious, Jonathan seemed oblivious of such behavior from James towards him.

"You ok, Munks?" asked Ray, extending his had to give his band mate an energy drink can.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just thinking too much again."

Ray blinked a couple of times while playing with a drumstick between his fingers; he took a sip from his own energy drink and nodded "About Jon?"

"Wha— No!"

"Sure you don't."

"You really piss me off with your deductions some times." James said under his breath.

"That's only because you know I'm right" countered Ray with a smirk.

James rolled his eyes and nodded, defeated "Yes, I was thinking too much... about Jon."

"You told me you had a very weird dream while you were unconscious, if that dream is making you worry that much about Jon, you should talk to him." He suggested "Nothing to lose by doing it."

Ray was actually right. James was still afraid of something and may end up with Jonathan being hurt and lost, away from them, but he couldn't tell him that, could he?

"I don't know were to star."

"The beginning may be a good point." Ray turned around to leave the room "By the way, Jon's going to be here any minute; I'll tell him you want to talk to him."

"But I didn't say that!" Said James, but Ray had his put on his safety headphones to jam with Fieldy, perfect excuse to ignore him.

"Sorry, can't hear you."

James sighed, it looked like when Ray decided that something was going to happen he just make it happen, period.

A couple of minutes latter all he could hear was Ray's drums and Fieldy's bass near them, the door opened slowly, and James looked up to Jon in the eye.

"We can talk outside, it's a nice day." he said, already knowing that James wanted to talk to him by Ray's arrangement. The guitarist just nodded and fallowed Jonathan to the terrace.

Jonathan rested his arms on the edge of the terrace and looked over his shoulder, waiting for James, who was slowly dragging his feet behind him to catch up.

When he arrived he just stood there in the doorframe watching Jonathan's back. He was fine, at least he was recovering quickly but for some reason Jonathan was having a hard time to do so. It was not that bad, al least he wanted to think that, Jon had had fever and was getting tired more often, but the strange illness was also fading. Fieldy had come to him one day and shoved an inhaler on his chest, staying that he better have it with him no matter what. Jon had stayed that he was fine and there was no risk of him getting asthma again, Fieldy didn't share his opinion, therefore Jonathan was walking around with the medicine in his back pocket all the time.

He had used it once, only James noticed.

"You are thinking too much." Jon's voice got him back to the moment "Why are you so worried?"

James walked and sat besides Jon's feet, looking his gaze on the floor.

"I'm not sure," he said "I might be afraid of waking up in a word were my life is different."

Jonathan remained silent for a full minute, his face a blank mask of nothingness. James wondered why. Jonathan finally laughed, clearing the atmosphere.

"As if it such thing could actually happen." he said, smirking down at James, who remain serious.

"You never kwon..."

"You are being stupid. You are not going to wake up tomorrow back in time, Munky." James narrowed his eye and stood up in front of Jon, closing the space between them and remarking the few inches higher that he was from the singer "W-what?"

"I never said anything about going back in time." he said in a low voice "I said that I had a dream of a different life, never about being younger in such."

"That's what I meant!" Jonathan said "Going back in time, getting different weird life. Those things don't happen, Munks, stop over thinking it."

Jon was looking very hard at him and for no reason James finally gritted his teeth, making Jonathan a little nervous. Without warning, he moved fast to get the other male. Jonathan lowered his face in lifted his hands in order to dodge of parry the expecting fist but instead James held Jonathan in his arms, looking him in a strong embrace, supporting his chin on the top of the singers lowered head, not letting him go. Jonathan remained still, somehow tense and confused by the overwhelming feeling that was not allowed him to move at all.

"Thos things don't happen." he whispered "Thos things... don't all."

Jonathan closed his eyes and nodded against James neck "Never happen, never gonna happen, it was just a dream, get over it." Jon's hand finally moved to return the embrace "Get over it, it's going to be fine, we're fine and we have to finish a new album Munks... just... forget the nightmare."

James nodded slowly, but he didn't let go of Jonathan, staying in the embrace for a longer time.

He was able to hear Jon's breathing while the wind blew around them, the sun just showering them both with the light Jonathan had more than once said he loved so much.

He finally let go, Jon stepped back, his eyes were a little watery but James made no comment about it.

"Maybe I should write something about your dream, so we can beat it with music." Jonathan suggested while turning around to enter the studio again.

"Good idea." James watched as Jonathan started to play with his hair like always and blinked in deep concentration, just remembering a glimpse of the dream a move that the other Jonathan made, very similar to this one.

But the other Jonathan had short hair; there was no point in trying to play with non existing dreads.

He suddenly had a feeling… A strange feeling that Jonathan was not saying everything and that he was actually just playing along with Ray's and Fieldy's confusion, he suddenly had the feeling that Jonathan knew better. It was a crazy feeling, after all it was not possible, yet, he had to know.

"Can I ask you a question?" they were walking side by side, Jonathan nodded "Do you like The Cirque Du Soleil?"

"Yes, I do." Jon was not paying much attention anymore as they enter Ray's and Fieldy's jamming session.

"Which one is your favorite?"

Ray and Fieldy stopped playing when they saw them in the room, both of them looking at them with a puzzle expression. Jonathan reached to take a stress ball from the table to play with it; he looked over his shoulder and smiled a little for James, a somehow sad smile.


? End ?

Author Note:

Thank you for reading this story. I got this idea out of the blue and it was to be done so I did it. You may notice that there are hints of Jonathan knowing much more than he says, and if you did notice then you are correct, this story may continue with a second part, this time focus in Jonathan, it also is a little more darker than this one.

Once again, thank you for reading and all your support, see you next time.

Yersi Fanel.

October 15, 2009

9:24 PM - Monterrey, M?xico.


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