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Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Fiction >> Fan-Fics

The following is a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.


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MSTWC2K- Ham and Jam and Spam-a-lot
By Darchangel


(set traps on the floor, swing at the air with a bat, take your phone off the hook, shut the
windows, pull the shades, grab the semi-automatic, stock up on ammo, turn on the alarms, lock the
door, put the couch in front of it, put the kids in front of the couch...
can you tell I'm being a bit paranoid here?)

"The ol' gray future, she ain't what she used to be..."

Episode 19: Ham And Jam And Spam-A-Lot
by Writin'Chica2K/Darchangel Skye

(Cue the theme song!)

Sometime not too long ago,
Back in Reality,
Was an ALian named Sally
Not too different from you and me.
Some considered her quite the good writer,
But still others wanted to spite her,
Wanted nothing more to bring her down,
So now she's trapped in Toontown!
(Sally: This is kinda cool...waitaminut...HELLLP!)
We'll send her cheesy writings,
The worst that we can find,
She'll hafta read them all
And we'll monitor her mind
There really is no telling
Where the fics begin or end
But Sal can keep her sanity
With the help of some cartoon friends!

Roll Call!
Sally! (Battle Aaaaaaxe!)
Lance! (I wanna go back to Mississippi! *sob*)
Usagi! (In the name of the moon, I shall riff you!)
Cecil! (What I gotta do to stay in work in Toontown...)
Leeeeela! (That's TWO 'e's!)
James! (Surrender your food or prepare to fight!)

If you're wondering about her real life
And other so-called facts,
Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST
I should really just relax."
(ding!) MSTWC2K!

3:28 PM
Cecil was lying on the bed in his and Sally's room, relaxing and reading, when she popped her head
in the doorway.
"Cec, have you seen Lance anywhere?" she asked.
"Well, I need him to beta-read my new fanfic," she answered, waving a sheaf of papers, "but I can't
find him."
"The fic's about him, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
Without taking his eyes off his reading, Cecil pointed, "He's under the bed."
"Thanks." Sally reached under, grabbed the boy-bander by the collar, and dragged him out, much to
his protests.
"Traitor! Squealer! Eggs Benedict Arnold!" Lance shouted, shaking a fist.
"A hideout this isn't," Cecil stated simply, turning a page.
"Cryin' out loud, Lance," Sally said as she dragged him out of the room and down the hallway, "why
can't you believe me for once? I treat you nicely in this fic."
"Nuh-uh, no way!" he kept protesting, "I know you! An 'N Sync fic by Writin'Chica2K means I'm gonna
suffer in one way or another! For someone who claims to like me you really know how to hurt me!"
"Whatever..." Sally almost said but was interrupted by the Evil Laughter Lair theme blaring.
"Hallelujah! Reprieve!" Lance called and ran towards the monitor, the rest of the HOL crew
eventually following him. Sally just rolled her eyes.

Malachite and Joey were at the monitor, a television close by. Xellos was nowhere to be seen.
Eventually the HOL crew came into sight.
"Yes, oh Lords of the Pit?" James asked.
Joey dismissively waved a hand, "Eh, it's nothin' much, th' Mads here just t'ink dey have a new plan
ta take over th' world-"
The Negaverse general snarled at him, "And for the last time, this is a plan that will work!" He
turned to the HOL crew and said, "We recently bought a few hours of public television to out this
plan into action. If you could all direct yourselves towards the tube-" he turned the set on.
The TV turned on with the title "Mazoku Storytime Theatre", then cut away to a shot of Xellos with a
book, rows of innocent-looking toon kids at his feet.
Cecil snickered. "I think the Mads have really gone mad."
"Yeah, who's Xellos trying to be, the next Barney?" Usagi laughed.
"Just watch the screen!" Malachite snapped.
On screen, Xellos began reading from his book, "The scientific, psychological reason for nightmares
is usually stress, or your body's adrenaline system acting up. The metaphysical one usually has
gremlins, or bad chi, or other such things. Neither is right."
"Hey, this sounds familiar..." Usagi mused.
Xellos continued, "An integral part of fear is confusion. You don't know how or why. Then you find
out, and things get worse.........."
Then it dawned on Usagi. "He's reading bad fanfics to those poor kids! AHHHHHH!" She ran from the
room screaming.
Sally turned back to the monitor and snarled, "You BASTARDS! I thought you couldn't get any lower!"
Malachite snickered. "Actually, this was Xellos' idea." He turned back to the television to see how
the show was progressing.
Xellos was still reading, "...He didn't really talk- it was just a voice in my mind, not mine, not
the voice I knew as mine but a different one; the one I only 'heard in my nightmares."
A kid in the back row piped, "For some reason, I was reminded over and over that this was CNN."
The mazoku gave the kid a look and read, "Because in my nightmares, I also felt pain."
A second kid said, "And in my nightmares, I'd keep yelling "TETSUO!!""
To which a third kid answered, "And when my nightmares give me pain, I reach for Nuprin. Small.
Yellow. And now, coated with codeine for that extra kick!"
Xellos snarled, "Oh, I see you kids are familiar with that MST, huh? Well...'Nothing serious, like
'A nightmare on Elm Street', just aches when I woke up, sore limbs or muscles which reminded me of
what had happened.'"
Fourth kid, "I gotta quit Tae Bo-ing in my sleep!"
Fifth kid, "It was then I made the toughest choice of my life...and started sleeping in the bottom
"AAAUGH!" Xellos stood and tossed down the book in frustration. "I give up! Go play some Doom or
something!" He stormed off-screen, grumbling, "Bloody kids..."
Malachite growled and turned off the TV. Leela snickered, "Looks like 'Mazoku Storytime Theater' is
going on haitus."
"Way to tell 'em off, kids!" Lance cheered.
The general regained his composure and turned back to the monitor. "Well then, I suppose we'll have
to move on. Your experiment this week is a pair of extremely, infamously bad yuri lemons, by a young
woman who's apparently trying to give Oscar a run for his money. It's "Lesbian Life Behind A Man's
Back" Parts 1 and 2, and they're going to cut through your senses like a hot samurai's sword through
a tub of cheap margarine! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Send them the lemons, Wheeler..."
Malachite froze. Solid. Then he slowly turned to face his janitor. "WHAT... DID YOU SAY?" He
whispered, his voice low and very dangerous.
Joey was shaking in his boots but managed to stand firm as he replied. "I can't do dat,
Malachite turned off the viewscreen and stormed over to his janitor grabbing him by his lapels.
Showing considerable strength mostly as a result of his burst of fury, Malachite lifted Joey off his
feet and dangled him in the air while screaming. "SEND THEM THE FANFICS, JOEY!!! DO IT NOW!!! NOW, I
"N-N-Not t-till w-we... re-re-renegotiate my... my... contract!!" Joey stammered as he was
furiously shook by the general.
"RRRRRRARGH!!!" Malachite exclaimed as he suddenly released Joey who dropped like a stone to the
floor. "Forget you! I'll find it myself!" he growled as he began rummaging through one of the
filing cabinets. "This cabinet is a mess! How does Joey find anything in here?!?" Malchite thought
to himself with fury as he continued to search for the missing lemons.
Finally, Malachite took some spams out of the file cabinet and walked over to the console with it,
reactivating the viewscreen. "Uh... due to labor problems, the lemons will be delayed for a
This finally managed to snap the HOL crew out of their shock.
"YAYYYYY!!!" they cheered.
"So instead, I'm sending you some spam until they're ready..."
"BOOOOOOO...." the HOL crew pouted.
"They should do nicely until the lemons are ready. Until then, pleasant screams..."
As the viewscreen blinked off, Malachite turned to his assistant again, a menacing look in his eyes.

"Now Wheeler, I'm sure we can settle this in a calm and orderly manner..."

Usagi groaned as she returned to the common room, downing another glass of water. "What happened,
guys?" she asked, upon seeing the viewscreen blank.
"Malachite tried to send us a couple lemons..." Lance replied sadly.
"Oh no..." Usagi groaned again.
"But for some reason, Joey wouldn't find them for him so he's sending us some spam first. But after
that..." Leela trailed off, looking dejected.
"Oh well... We've done it before, we can do it again, guys. All for one and one for all...right?"
Cecil replied as he forced some enthusiasm into his voice.
"Sure, Cec..." Sally replied half-heartedly.
"Whatever you say...." James muttered.
"Come on, guys! As long as we keep proving to Malachite that bad lemons can't break our spirit,
he'll eventually stop sending them to us. No matter what happens, as long as we stay frosty..."
"Will you quit saying that?!? We're not a Kellogg's cereal!" Sally snapped.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just saying together we can...."
Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out. "UH-OH, WE'VE GOT SPAM SIGN!!!" James cried out, and
they all rushed to the elevator.

Door Sequence...
7... (It's a Southern Baptist. You wrap a gay pride flag around his head to confuse him and you move
6... (It's a lemon, as in the fruit. You squeeze it to make lemonade, take a chug, and move on)
5... (It's somebody from Portal Of Evil with a flame-thrower. You douse yourself in asbestos, toss a
bucket of water at the flamer, and move on)
4... (It's the fourth wall, literally. You kick and kick at it until some bricks shatter, then you
crawl through the hole and move on)
3... (It's Waggy [le shudder!]. He almost tosses a lawsuit for $25000 at you, but you drop a washing
machine on his head and move on)
2K... (Something falls from the sky and misses hitting your head by inches. You pick it up, see it's
a _tennis_ with the tag "property of Oscar" on it, and move on)
1... (It's Sally's family kitties, how adorable! You huggle them and move on)

(all enter the theatre and sit down, brushing cat hair off them. The room darkens and the screen
flicks on with-)

From: "PC Bug Doctor will repair every error on your Computer"

Cecil: Jingle Heimer Schidmt.

Leela: Oh look, a randomly generated address. This can't be spam, not at ALL...

Add to Address Book

All: No thank you.

To: "Sally Buckley"

Sally: One of my many addresses I hide under. Thank you.

Subject: Scan your PC for errors FREE!

Lance (Mike Nelson): Hey, samples of *me*!


James (Servo): Warning! Warning Joel Robinson! Suckiness of spam approaching critical levels!
Sally: That's it, guys. We were warned.
Usagi: Y'know, these stupid disclaimers are really wearing out their welcome.

Almost all computers have hidden errors on them just waiting for the right moment to crash your

Leela: Oh, it's a Windows 95 manual!

Let us scan your PC for Errors FREE!

Cecil: Attention, we have a lost space. Can anyone help it home? Thank you.

All (singing): 348-07-303...Jenny, Jenny, I got your number...

PC Bug Doctor will repair every error on your Computer anytime you need it

James: Guaranteed or your data lost!

Sally (bad British accent): "1087534807303 shall be the number that thou shalt count, and the number
of the counting shall be 1087534807303."
Usagi (same): "1087534807304 shalt not be the number thou shalt count."
Cecil (ditto): "1087534807305 is right out!"

Hidden Errors on your PC are working hard in the background to Screw up your computer
Scan your PC for errors FREE!

Usagi: Ack! The spam's skipping!

PC Bug Doctor will fix hidden bugs and errors on your PC and restore lost performance and speed that
is lost over time.

Lance: Oh, it's Viagra for Windows.

94% of personal computers have corrupt and potentially dangerous files.

Sally: Note to self: must hide hard data of fanfics that may potentially corrupt my parents.
Leela: You're in a dark mood today, Sal.

Usagi: If I see that one more time, I'm going to scream...

The above advertisement was sent to you by a

James: Complete idiot.

Maximum Software affiliate If you have any questions or concerns you can contact us at

Leela: A place we're not gonna mention because if we're not profiting from this MSTing, why should
Sally: Well said.

To unsubscribe from the list owner who sent you this email Please See Below

Cecil: We have to see Cthulhu?


Leela: I refuse to dignify that line with a joke.

To stop emails to,

Sally: Don't mail me anymore? Just a suggestion.

send mail to: or send your request

Sally: For a copy of Pretty Spammy-
Cecil: Suck-up.

to Hollywood Plaza Rm. ****, *** ****** Road, Mong Kok, Hong Kong

Lance: Mong?...
Usagi: Lance, if you finish that joke, your Jenna Jameson DVDs get MoonDusted.
Lance: ...You know about those?
Usagi: Yep.
Lance: ...
Usagi: Much better.

From: "Boca Java"

James: Stupid coffee?

All (singing): We're gonna spam ya like it's 199903100423.FAA18835!

Add to Address Book
To: "Sally Buckley"

Sally: Yes, we've established that's my address. Thank you.

Subject: Dual Travel Coffee Maker FREE from Boca Java

Lance (Shamrock): I WANT COFFEE! GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!

Select 4 bags of Boca Java Gourmet Coffee for only $18.95 and receive a COMPLIMENTARY

Leela: Device to suck the caffiene outta ya.

Dual Travel Mug Coffee Maker...a total value over $95.

James: Value like a mother's love, or a good kind of value?

Click Here:

Cecil: My word, it's the same company!
Sally: I'm not suprised. Notice they love the word FREE?

Boca Java is famed for its gourmet coffees designed for those with distinctive epicurean tastes.

Usagi: Besides from salty, sweet, sour, bitter...

We roast our coffee to order using the finest specialty grade Arabica beans.

Leela: This ad's full of beans, all right.
Lance: I can guess where they planted...

Choose from a full array of regular coffees and flavored coffees today!
Also, all of our coffees are available in decaf.

(all laugh hysterically)

Click Here:

Usagi: This company has a ID number?
Sally (scoffs): *That* many accounts? That'll be the day.

When you take advantage of this offer,

Cecil (offer): Ow! I'm suing!
Leela: Real lame, Cecil.
Cecil: I try...

you?ll receive Our New Gourmet Duet -

James: Emeril and Martha?
(all shudder)

Dual Travel Mug Coffee Maker. This coffee maker is designed for people on the go,

Lance: Because when you're speeding down the highway at 100mph, you'll want a great cup of coffee!

features include electronically controlled brewing cycles with an easy touch control panel that
offers single or double brew settings. Includes two 14 ounce all stainless steel travel mugs. The
travel mugs are to fit most car cup holders.

Sally: If your car's a VW Beetle. Hah!

A $95 value!
Click Here:
As Seen on NBC?s The Today Show!

Cecil: Boy, are you desparate for ratings...

Take advantage of this great offer.
Hurry! For a limited time only.

Leela: My limited time or yours?

Choose from our wide selection of House Blends and Flavored Coffees that are sure to please any
coffee lover?s palates! Click the links below:
The above is an advertisement sent by a Bocajava affiliate.

All: Ouch.

If you have any questions or concerns, you may contact us at the following address:

All: Not on your life.

If you wish to remove yourself from further Bocajava mailings, please visit

Lance: I'm running out of number gags.

Please ensure that you print a copy of the advertisement and include it with your request. Should
you wish to unsubscribe from the list owner who sent you this email, please follow the
unsubscription information below:



Usagi: Do you want to be an annoying spammer? Sign up for the 10638:34807303 Correspondance Course!

To stop emails to, send mail or send
your request to Hollywood Plaza Rm. ****, *** ****** Road, Mong Kok, Hong Kong

Sally: Mong?...
Cecil: Sally, three words: Yu-Gi-Oh yaoi collection.
Sally: ...
Cecil: That's more like it.

Stop wasting money on cigarettes!

Cecil: Run in front of a speeding bus and get it over with!
Lance: If you smoke or know someone who does...bum a cigarette off them. Hey, why not? Saves you
money, right?

Marlboro cartons....$14.95

Usagi: Cigarettes?
Leela: Why yes, they are.

Camel cartons.......$14.95

Sally: Sure, if you don't mind the smell...
James: The camels or the cigarettes?

Winston and Salem...$14.95

All (singing): Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars, he had an affair with Lorna Lufts
and smoked a big cigar!
Sally (snickers): I love that skit.

Click Here:

Usagi: Hey, it's a different company!

Free Shipping on all orders

Leela: Flordia residents add 20 percent age tax.
Sally: All orders placed during the first five days of the week will be subject to a 10 percent
surcharge for rush.
Cecil: Orders not accepted on weekends.
Lance: Cash and carry, no warranties or refunds.

Click the following link to start saving!

James (evangelist): Click here my brothers, and you shall-a save your SOUL-A!

Click Here:
To unsubscribe, go to:
or, send a blank message to:
*******.com Ltd.
Rm. ****, Hollywood Plaza,
*** Nathan Road
Mong Kok, HK HK
Hong Kong

James: Mong?...
Leela: JAMES!
James: What? (snaps out of it) Oh, for the love of rocketships...(to Lance and Sally) Look what
you're making us do!
Lance: What would a Hollywood Plaza be doing in Hong Kong anyway?
Sally: It's Aisa. They love to copy whatever North America's doing.
Usagi: I'll say.
Leela: Well, at least that was a breeze!
Lance: Three spams down, two lemons to go.
Cecil: Ugh, don't remind us.
(all leave their seats and exit the theatre...)


(feel free to hum the closing theme as the credits roll...)
"Stop wasting money on cigarettes!"


The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.

Please see the Terms of Service for more information.

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