Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Fiction >> Fan-Fics >> MST Files
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By Joe Hatfield
My word! There are a lot of kooks out there in the Usenet! Here's a MSTing of a little gem I
picked off alt.conspiracy!
<<The MST3K (8th Season) theme plays>>
<<Int: SOL. Mike and Tom are sitting around Crow's cappucino machine, with Crow
Mike: Hello, welcome to the SOL. The bots and I are taking a break, from a healthy game of Six
Degrees of Bacon.
<<Gypsy comes in>>
Gypsy: Mike, isn't that supposed to be the Six Degrees of *Kevin* Bacon?
Tom: No, Gypsy. We're playing a more sophisticated version. Six Degrees of Bacon has you pick a
food, then in any way connect it, in under six turns, to bacon.
Crow: Yeah, for example, take zucchini... <<Mike takes out a zucchini.>>
Ok.. Zucchini.. a member of the squash family. <<Mike pops up with a squash.> Squash,
is a form of racketball, <<Mike comes up with racketball.>> is used with a racket,
<<Produces a tennis racket>> which can be used as a frying pan, if that's all you have.
<<Mike produces a frying pan.>> And a frying pan cooks.. bacon! <<Mike drops a
slab of bacon on the pan.>>
Gypsy: But that dosen't make any sense!
Tom: No good game has to!
Gypsy: Whatever.. <<She floats away.>>
Tom: Ok, how about.. Coffee?
<<Crow starts to connect coffee to bacon, and the commercial sign comes up.>>
Mike: We'll be right back.. <<Hits the commercial sign.>>
<<Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wondr Hamster.. He dosen't bite, and he dosen't squeal, he
just runs around on his hamster wheel. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster. Hey, Harvey!!
Yes, that's Harvey.. Get your own Wonder Hamster today!>>
<<Int: SOL. The Bots and Mike are still at Six Degrees of Bacon.>>
Mike: I'm telling you! Chocolate triple layer cake *does* connect to bacon!
The Bots: Suurreee!
Tom: Come on, Mike, give it up! You lost, fair and square!
Crow: Yeah, Mike! You didn't hear me whine when I couldn't connect cheese-covered broccoli!
Mike: You did so... and besides, you found the connection later.
Crow: Well, that's far from the point.
<<The Van light goes off>>
Mike: Well, it dosen't matter anyway. Pearl's calling us.
<<Int: Pearl's Van. Pearl is driving, Bobo is next to her, engulfed in a pile of crackers,
and The Observer is looking at his brain expectantly.>>
Pearl: Hello, you nitwits!
All: Hello, Mrs. Forester..
Pearl: Yeah, well, sucking up isn't gonna stop today's experiment. While we went to go get
Brain-Boy's brain some more juice to keep it alive, I picked this little lump of fun out of the
Tom: Which newsgroup? Alt.cheesy.plans.for.world.domination?
Pearl: Of course not, you dopes! I picked this one, especially for you, off our old favorite
breeding ground for backward theories and lunatic fringes: alt.conspiracy!
Pearl: <<Smugly>> I thought so.. Well, I have to go get Bobo his shots, so don't have
fun with today's experiment!
Tom: I keep telling you! We have to cut off Pearl's internet access!
Mike: Well, we'll worry about that later!! We've got USENET SIGN!!!
<<Mike & The Bots come to the theater, where a giant computer screen pops up, slowly
scrolling the following:>>
>>Subject: NBA conspiracy?
Tom: Tonight on Niteline: NBA conspiracies...
Crow: And the fools that write about them.
>>From: email@example.com (Fnord3)
Mike: This guy's been playing Steve Jackson Games too much..
Tom: Either that, or he's a strange form of car..
>>Date: 14 Jun 1997 04:39:18 GMT
Crow: General Motors Time?
Tom: Great Mother Time?
Mike: Gassy Mice Time?
Crow & Tom: What?
>>As I sit here in the suburbs of Chicago, there are explosions and small
>>arms fire outside.
Crow: Ahh.. Monday.
>>Cars wizz by, honking their horns
Tom: Hey, you freak! Get outta the road!
>>with women screaming out the windows, and sirens are heard all around. It could be
>>the revolution, but, alas, I know better.
Mike: Yes, it was the annual Turkey Toss.
>>The Chicago Bulls have won another championship.
Crow: And The conspiracy is...
>>But that's not surprising. Chicago is the founding father of political
Mike: That sounds painful!
Crow: I wonder how much grafting an entire government would cost..
>>If you have a pothole in front of your house
Tom: Then you're normal.
>>you bribe your precinct captain, who in turn talks to an alderman
Tom: What does a man made of wood have to do with the corruption of the construction
Crow: He's probably rotten to the core..
>>who takes the bribe
Mike: and thereby buys termite repellent.
>>who contracts a construction crew, and the pothole is fixed.
Tom: After months and months of "union breaks".
>>Why shouldn't the Bulls win?
Mike: Because they've won too much already?
Tom: Because they're all aliens?
Crow: Because they're all tools of this so-called conspiracy?
>>Chicago is a vast marketing mecca, and the number of Jordan t-shirts sold here and abroad
brings in millions.
Tom: Of immagrants.. We really have to stop selling those t-shirts.
>>So the games are fixed. There really isn't any other reason why the Bulls
>>couldn't have won the title in Utah
Mike: Here's one.. Maybe because Utah is actually a good team?
>>except to see mass destruction in their hometown- meaning more bribes paid to the
aldermen who fix the streets.
Crow: Meaning an end to civilization everywhere.
Mike: Well, that looks like the end..
Tom: Nope, there's one last bit.
>>Make sense? Nah.
Tom: Well, a theory that actually debunks itself!
Mike: There's a new one...
<<They leave the theater.>>
<<Int: SOL. Mike & The bots are dressed in Bulls & Jazz uniforms: Mike & Tom
for Chicago, Gypsy & Crow for Utah.>>
Mike: To prove this theory, we've decided to re-play the entire 1997 NBA Finals!
Tom: Yeah, we'll see if the Bulls could really win in 4!
Crow: Hey! The teams are uneven! Gypsy dosen't have any arms!
Tom: Yeah, but my puny arms.. <<Shakes them>> Couldn't dribble a ball anyway, so it's
Mike: Well, we'll put this off for now.. Go ahead, Pearl!
Pearl: Well, I hope you didn't enjoy that last one.. Because that's not the last you'll see of
<<Pearl laughs evilly>>
Mike: Well, come on.. let's continue the game...
<<The credits roll by, you can hear crashing and thumping in the background with the
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The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.
Please see the Terms of Service for more information.