I was sober again, holding my bottle of vodka in hand, I walked slowly up
the stairs, holding on to the banister. I reached his apartment room, and turned the knob, Brendon
and Ryan right behind me. I swung the door open.
“JON LOVE.” I yelled but
there was no answer. I walked in, and tried again, there was still no response. I opened the
bedroom door, there was no one in there, Jon where are you I need you right now. I heard the Ryan
giggling, as Brendon kissed his neck lightly. “stop it Brenny.” Ryan shrieked. Fuck
this. Where are you Jon, I opened the bottle and took a swig of the drink, feeling the burning
sensation before it disappeared. I walked towards the bathroom, that's where I wanted to be, alone
in a small space. I opened the door and walked inside. Only to find Jon leaning up against the wall,
pools of blood on the floor, a razor tossed off to the side. My eyes grew wide, but I couldn't turn
away. I bent down brushing his hair slightly out of his face, a tear slid down from my eyes. He was
clinging to a picture, I grabbed out of his hand, there was a bloody heart around me. It was a
picture of me sleeping fully dressed right after a concert, I had fallen asleep on the floor. I
looked back a Jon, why Jon, why. I flipped the picture over praying there was answer to this. And to
my efforts there was.
Your probably expecting a note to all of you, something
to explain why I did this. But this note is not for any of you but Spencer Smith, and if by the end
of this no one understands then I'm afraid that I have failed even after death.
loved you, I always did. There was just something about you that made me wanna hold you, that made
me wanna kiss you. But you were to busy staring at Ryan and Brendon, you were too busy being jealous
to realize all the hints I was sending your way. I mean hell I was there when you stayed up every
night crying wanting to know why you couldn't have had Ryan. I held you not because that's what
friends do but because I wanted to, because it broke my heart to see you cry. You always wondered
why I was still there in the mornings, and it's because I didn't wanna leave your beauty to know
that you were just gonna be broken down again by seeing the one you like so much with his tongue
down the throat of your friend. When you were sick it wasn't Ryan who stayed with you, it was me, I
stayed with you. When we were on vacation from touring, and you didn't have anything to do, who
stayed with you, me, I did, I said screw going home lets stay with Spence, make him happy. But you
just didn't see any of this did you. Nothing you didn't see the way I'd flirt with you, or hit on
you. You made no recognition of what I was doing, cause you were to busy envying Brendon for what
he had. But it wasn't seeing you cry, or you ignoring all the signs and signals I was sending you,
that broke my heart the most. It was when you brought her home. HER. MY GOD YOU BROUGHT HER HOME.
Then there was more girls, different girls. None of the same girls, they were just Sluts. I
slept with and held you through the nights, after they were done handling you, then after awhile
you wouldn't even let me hold you. But the worst wasn't any of that, you turned to drugs and alcohol
to help you numb your pain. You were a wreck, and I couldn't stand to look at you, but I did I
stayed by you to make sure you were okay that you didn't overdose, and when you did I always was
right there helping you, saving you; even though you hit me out of anger, and frustration. But I'm
done, if you can't see what was right in front of you to begin with I'm done. I'll always love you,
but I can't stand to see you hurt like this, it's wrenching my hurt and breaking it more than ever.
I finished choking up, I shook my head. No. It couldn't be my
fault, not for this, it couldn't be. Please Jon say this is a joke, wake up and tell me this is a
joke. JON I LOVE YOU. Please wake up. I wanted to scream, but nothing came, I was crying to hard. I
stood slowly only to look in the mirror, I had bags under my eyes and I looked horrible. I slammed
my fists into the mirror causing it to shatter. I hated who was staring back at me, the person I
became was the reason for his death, I fell to the ground, and crawled to Jon, and for once in my
life, I was holding him, instead of the other way around. I clung to him, crying slowly. I reached
for the blade, My hands shaking, I took another swig of alcohol, I slid the razor deep in my skin.
It burned at first, but it didn't matter , the blood began to pour, I sat the razor down, took
another swig of the vodka drowning myself in it. I clung once more to Jon, holding onto the one
thing that kept me sane, the one thing I could truly say I loved more than anything else. Him.