I sat shaking on the bed, someone's footsteps stopped in front of the room, I turned to look at the
door, freezing up as the handle slowly turned. My eyes grew wide, and my heart sped up it couldn't
be, he couldn't have found me. The door got wider and someone stepped inside, my heart slowed, and
my eyes shrunk back to normal size, I sighed heavily. I put my hands between my legs trying to keep
them from shaking.
“Hey Bren,” Spencer said as he walked into the
bathroom and came back out.
“Hey,” I said acknowledging him, stopping
with just one word knowing if I said anymore it would come shaky.
“No, why,” I breathed slowly trying to keep my voice
“I don't know he's been acting weird since,” Spencer
“Since Kelt, I don't know if any
of you guys noticed, but he has,” Spencer shrugged. Running his hand threw his hair, it fell
back to his side.
“Maybe he's with Pete,” Spencer muttered to himself
and left, I took a deep breath and exhaled, releasing my jittery hands, glad that he was so
concentrated on Ryan, that he hadn't noticed my awkwardness. I laid down on the bed, my head falling
to the soft pillows, my hands were still shaking my nerves were out-of-control. I stared at the
ceiling, the light glowed slightly, I sighed, if only I could tell him how perfect he was, if only I
could tell him that my heart speeds up, and I get this adrenalin rush, if only I could tell him I
feel like I could do anything when he was around, if only. I closed my eyes, picturing that perfect
smile, pretending I could hear that laugh full of happiness and perfection, imagining his voice when
he talks, and the way he walks. Everything, I could picture, he was the one that made me happy. Then
I remembered he wasn't mine, and he couldn't possibly love me. The door opened and my eyes abruptly
opened, I tried to lift my head to look, but my heart had grown to heavy and felt like it was
weighing me down, if only it would fall to my feet. I threw my head back in frustration, closing my
eyes once more it was probably just Spencer, hell it could be Jon. It couldn't be Ryan, no not Ryan.
My eyes sprang open, and my heart sped up, forgetting how
to keep rhythm or beat. I looked could my ears have deceived me, have my eyes as well. There was no
way I could deal with this. My nervous shot, and my hands began to shake.
“Hey,” My voice was shaky. No now was not the time to fall apart, not the time to let my
nerves get the best of me.
He sat down next to me, I
looked, he was leaning back on his arms, I looked to see the back of his head, and smiled at that.
“Well are you?”
My heart went even faster, it couldn't be
possible for a heart to go that fast. I took a deep breath, before I could control this, these
feelings, but now, now it was just too hard.
“Yeah, yeah, of course,
fine, just fine,” I said fast reassuring myself more than answering his question. He fell back
his back laying across my chest, his hands laid under his head and he looked at me I turned my head
to meet his gaze.
“You sure your okay you don't sound it,”
I wanted to just kiss him, right now just do it.
“No your not,”
God why could he do that, he always
knows when something's bothering me or something's wrong then he wont leave it alone.
“Is it a boy problem,”
My eyes grew wide, how could he know, he shouldn't
Maybe, maybe, more like yes, yes there is a
boy problem, I'm madly in love with the man who's laying on my chest sprawled out on the hotel bed.
His eyes are a perfect shade of honey brown, his hair falls perfectly into place even when he
doesn't do a thing with it, Good god everything about him is perfect, and he doesn't even now.
“Well tell me about it,”
Tell him, how to tell him, I cant just
come out and say Ryan I love you, more than anything else on earth. I can't tell him he's more
perfect then the most perfect thing out there. I can't tell him any of that.
I sighed I guess I could tell him without telling him it's him.
“So there's??this boy,” I sighed and took a deep breath, “The way he
laughs, the way he smiles, and the way he talks gives me butterflies, makes my heart speed up and
forget how to keep beat or rhythm, hell everything about him makes me happy. I love him more than
anything else in the world. He's the reason for all the good night sleep, he's the reason for my
happiness, hell if he died my heart my break over and over again. I'd drown in my own tears if he
ever left. Heck I'd drown in my own tears if he told me he didn't care. I love him more than
anything, hell his flaws are just as loveable as his perfections. But he wouldn't see it that way
no, but I do. I would give anything for him to be happy even if it meant sacrificing my life to save
his. Even if meant the worst of everything being happy for him while he loved someone else. He's
beautiful Ryan he really is. ”
“Does he know that you love
him? Does he know what you think of him” Ryan asked ?
I looked up to see him hovering over
me his lips so close to mine, I looked up into those perfect shade of honey brown. I sighed I ran my
fingers through his hair brushing it back slightly.
I let my hand fall back to my side, and breathed in deep.
“How do you know?”
“Because I never told
Shivers ran down my spine I could
fill him breathing, the temptation was to great, to bear.
he couldn't possibly love me back,”
“Who is he, we can
make him gay if it'll make you happy,”
“Since when does my
“It's always mattered, so who is
Ryan was way to close, way to close, I could fill him breathing hell if he'd just lay
his chest to min ei could probably feel his heart beat. His lips slightly brushed against mine as he
lost his balance for a second.
“you,” I mumbled in a whisper
to soft to hear.
“Who, Bren, who is it I wanna know,” He
whined, he hadn't heard me. I wanted to scream, it's you Ryan, I love you. But I didn't I couldn't
my voice was lost as I opened my mouth. Words were lost. Ryan began to move to get up, the moment
gone. He was leaving fed up with the way I was acting probably. He went to leave, he had moved so
quickly, so gracefully. I reached out, and caught his wrist. He turned to face me. I pulled him down
to me, leaning over him, my free hand entwining into his hair, I leaned closer to him, hesitantly,
as our lips brushed against each others, then I let mine crash on his. He tensed up and started to
back away, I let go. He pulled away looking at me his eyes wide with shock. How could I have been so
stupid to actually think we might have had a chance. I stood and walked toward the bathroom, leaving
the door open, I looked in the mirror at myself. I turned on the cold water this was a dream I did
not just kiss the man of my dreams, I did not just kiss the one I loved. But the water stung cold,
and my heart said I did. I hung my head low, as the water dripped off my face into the sink, my arms
bracing me, so I wouldn't fall. Two hands slid up my shirt, I shivered at the touch not cause it
was cold but because I was unaware of their intentions. I stood up straight my hands falling to my
sides, they pulled my shirt up, I lifted my arms, allowing them to pull it off. They pulled me close
to them, there arms wrapping around my waist. They ran butterfly kisses up my back, every sense in
me becoming more aware. I looked in the mirror, my eyes grew with shock, with wonder-ation, what had
happened. His lips touched my neck so softly, I turned, to face him, his lips crashed against mine,
as he pinned me to a wall. He pulled away slightly to get air.
“Ryan, I love you, but what happe,” I started he cut me off with another kiss, there was
so much passion, so much lust, so much wanting, so much needing, behind it all, he pulled away once
“I love you Brendon, I loved you for the longest time, I
just didn't know you loved me too..” The melody in his voice, played through me, my heart
began to race but kept rhythm. His lips met mine again, his hands roaming. His lips left mine, my
pulse was racing, this was crazy this was insane, I had to been dreaming I must have been dreaming.
But I felt his hips grind against mine, slowly. He kissed me again, my eyes rolling to the back of
my head. My hands roaming across his chest I pulled his shirt off breaking the kiss for the
slightest second. In his arms, is where I've always wanted to be, and forever here is where I always
want to stay.