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Anime/Manga Fan Fiction >> Fushigi Yuugi

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It Ain't Easy Being the Miko
By "Kiku"

 

Ossu! Welcome to yet another parody.
This one stars . Well, not THE Nakago, but a very nice person from the FYML. She's also known as Seimei (that's what she's called in the 'fic) and as .

Anyway, now that we're all acquainted, on with the fanfiction!


IT ISN'T EASY BEING THE MIKO

OR

STRESS: IT CAN REALLY GET TO YOU

Somewhere in the world, someone is watching Fushigi Yuugi. And, boy, are they mad...

"What in the world is going on here?" she screamed, watching Miaka trip over something completely obvious for the umpteenth time. "How the heck do they think that twit will be able to summon Suzaku? I've had enough!" She picked up the phone and dialed.

"Time for some changes," she muttered determined, as she waited for the phone to be answered.

Meanwhile, in Konan-koku, Chiriko had Kichiri in check. Actually, it was checkmate. Suddenly, a bizarre ringing was heard. All the Seishi looked around, searching for the source.

"What the $#&@ is that?" Tasuki yelled to no one in particular.

"Hmm?" Kichiri paused from the game. "What is what no da?" She asked him.

"That &#$@(&* noise!"

"Oh, that no da." She reached into her kasa and pulled something out, something that was ringing. "Gomen ne Chiriko-chan, but I'm afraid I'll have to postpone the game no da."

"Darn. I was just about to win."

"Moshi moshi no da."

"Kichiri!" the voice on the other line screamed into the receiver, "Miaka's driving me crazy!"

"Miaka drives everyone crazy no da. Why are you telling me no da?"

"She's such a ditz. And she's clumsy! And..." Kichiri sighed and held the phone away from her ear as the enraged fan rattled on listing all of Miaka's faults. The rest of the Seishi stared at Kichiri, wondering whom the heck she was talking to. Well, except for Chiriko--he was setting up the table for another game of Mah Jong.

"Do ya think she's gone around the bend?" Tasuki whispered to Nuriko.

"Maybe she's been hanging around Miaka too long. She's starting to hear voices," Nuriko suggested.

"I heard that no da! It's a phone no da!" That just earned her a lot of blank stares. "It's a type of device that allows me to talk to people that are far away no da," she elaborated. Slight looks of understanding appeared on the faces of the assembled Seishi. Except, again, for Chiriko, who was still setting up for Mah Jong, and Tasuki, who still didn't know what she was talking about (he doesn't deal well with technology it seems).

The yelling on the other end had drawn to a close. Kichiri put the phone back to her ear.

"Hey! Were you even LISTENING?"

"Hai no da. You were telling me what annoyed you about Miaka no da. But what do want me to do about it no da? She's the main character na no da!"

"Well, I think it's time for some changes around here. Anyone could do a better job of being Miko than Miaka!" And she went on to list an awesome numbers of people and intelligent animals.

Suddenly she paused. "I know!" she squealed into the phone, "I'LL be the new Miko!"

Kichiri raised her eyebrow and gave the phone a strange look. "Are you sure about that no da?"

"YEAH! It'll be great!"

Kichiri sighed. "Okay no da," she said and hung up the phone.

The Seishi looked at her.

"W-what's going on?" Tamahome ventured.

"We're getting a new Suzaku no Miko no da," she replied simply.

This elicited a general chorus of "NANI!" from the Seishi and Kichiri just held up her hands in resignation (and for self-defense).

"This is another parody, isn't it," Nuriko said accusingly.

"What can I do no da? I'm just a priestess no da! Just bear with me--it'll be okay no da."

Having said that, Kichiri reached deep into her kasa, and hauled out a very surprised girl (who was, um, yelling creatively into a phone about being hung up on).

The girl stopped yelling and looked around in shock.

"What the-" She stared at the Seishi who stared back.

"Minna-san," Kichiri began, gesturing at the assembled Seishi (who by this point had pretty much disassembled), "meet your new Miko no da."

The staring continued until Miaka appeared.

"Hi everybody!" She looked around. Everyone seemed confused and while that wasn't unusual for Miaka, it certainly wasn't the norm for everyone else. She trotted over to Tamahome.

"Tamahome!" she exclaimed, glomming onto him. "What going on? And who's that kuwai girl who's glaring maliciously at me?"

Now everyone stared at Miaka. None of them could believe that she knew a word that big, never mind that she could use it in a sentence properly. For her part, Miaka just smiled innocently at them all.

"Miaka-san, she's the new Miko no da," Kichiri informed her. Miaka looked hurt and close to tears, so Kichiri quickly added, "See? Now you can be with Tamahome whenever you want without having to worry about being Suzaku no Miko."

Miaka thought about this. Seeing that Miaka was trying to think, the rest of the Seishi decided to pass the time by playing various board games.

Time went by as the former Suzaku no Miko stood unmoving, deeply immersed in thought. Tamahome had lost both Park Place and Boardwalk to Chichiri, but had managed to trap Tasuki in his hotels and therefore had jacked up the rent just for him. Tasuki hadn't taken well to that and had proceeded to Lekka Shien Tamahome and then to steal all his (burnt) properties (he IS a bandit after all). Mitsukake and Hotohori were watching Chiriko and Kichiri play Mah Jong and Nuriko was watching Hotohori watch Kichiri and Chiriko.

Suddenly Miaka's eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Ice cream! No wait," she added, "that's not what I'm supposed to be thinking about." The Seishi fell over as Miaka went back into thought mode. Except for Kichiri, who used the distraction to knock over the Mah Jong table.

"Gomen ne Chiriko-san! It looks like we'll have to start all over again no da!"

They switched to card games.

Time went on some more, and suddenly Miaka's eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "That's right!" They Seishi eyed her suspiciously, some from behind large plants. They had switched to strip poker (at Nuriko's and Seimei's request) and most were currently in various states of nudity, except for Chiriko, who was reading a book as Kichiri had deemed him too young to play, and Kichiri, who was happily sitting atop a large pile of clothing.

"Hey! I was TRYING to say something!" Miaka yelled.

Oops. Sorry.

"Ahem. That's better. Anyway, I was going to say that now Tamahome and I can be together now. Tamahome!" she squealed launching herself at him.

"Aah! Miaka! Don't DO that! Kichiri won most of my CLOTHES!" Oblivious, Miaka tried to glomp onto him through the large fern he was vainly attempting to hide behind. "Oi! Kichiri! Give me back my clothes!"

"Hey! I won them fair and square no da!" But for the sake of getting on with the plot, she returned them to him, for only a small fee.

Once everyone was dressed (and Miaka had been sort of pried off of Tamahome, at least for a little bit), they all assembled to discuss the summoning of Suzaku. This, of course, was more difficult now, as Miaka had already burnt the original Shijintensho.

But first, they had to get everyone to accept their new Miko. Since Kichiri assured them that she was okay, most of the Seishi had agreed to let her take over for Miaka. The only exception was Hotohori, who claimed that no one would ever take Miaka's place in his heart.

Frustrated, Seimei began to run through the list of all the things she could do better than Miaka. Her yelling could be heard all the way to Mt. Taikyoku, thus bringing a horde of Nyannyans to the scene to help yell at Hot--::ahem:: plead Seimei's case.

"She's smarter!" they squealed.

"I don't care," Hotohori insisted.

"She's prettier!" they insisted.

"Miaka has her own unique charm." *general sweatdrop at that one*

"She's capable! Graceful! She can walk for more than ten feet without tripping!" they protested.

Hotohori was almost beginning to look convinced, but he had to stand his ground. "That's all a part of Miaka's special appeal."

"She's from another world!" they pointed out.

That was it--Hotohori was sold. He was such a sucker for Girls-from-another-world. "Seimei!" he cried as he rushed over to embrace her, "How could I be blind to your glory?"

The entire cast fell over, except, of course, for Hotohori, who was holding Seimei, and for Seimei, who would've fallen over if the Emperor hadn't been holding her.

She recovered quickly. "That's more like it," she told Hotohori.

The entire cast fell over again, except for the two previous exceptions.

"This is going to be one long parody na no da," Chichiri observed.

"No kidding no da," Kichiri agreed.

**

Over dinner they discussed the plans to find the Shinzaho. As in the anime, they decided to go by sea rather than land. But Seimei wasn't stupid--this time, she insisted that Hotohori and Kichiri accompany her as well. She also insisted that Tamahome's family be brought to the palace immediately.

Things progressed smoothly and Seimei congratulated herself. Everything was going swimmingly. Miaka had agreed to stay behind (and out of the way) with Tamahome's family. Two boats had been commissioned, rather than one, and lightning rods and a compliment of soldiers had been added to both. Tasuki's band of, well, bandits had been summoned, since they had been so useful in the battle against Kutou (although she didn't mention that part). She had even enlisted Tamahome, Kouji, and Kichiri to teach the resident hammer, Tasuki, how to swim-Tamahome and Kouji to make him do it, Kichiri to teach him how and to keep Tamahome and Kouji from having too much fun.

Finally the day had arrived for them to set sail for Hokkan-koku. Seimei ran around double checking that everything was in place, dragging Chiriko around with her, as Kichiri had mysteriously vanished (in order to preserve her sanity).

Once Seimei was satisfied that all was right with the world, they pushed off and set sail for Hokkan-koku.

As they entered the open sea, Seimei surveyed her work. Chichiri was on her ship, while Kichiri was on the other one so that the two ships could communicate in case her cell phone went out. She had conveniently surrounded herself with very cute Seishi and the cutest warriors in Konan's army. She had Hotohori, her walking ego-boost, to fawn over her, Tamahome to protect her, Chiriko to do the paperwork, Mitsukake to heal her, Chichiri to guide them and just be handy, and Nuriko to lift stuff for her (and to look at ::drool:: ).

She had wisely separated Tamahome and Tasuki for the voyage. Although their antics were amusing, it would be bit much to handle all the way to Hokkan-koku. So she had assigned the second ship to Kichiri and ever so generously put Tasuki, Kouji, and the rest of the bandits on it with her. She was the only one they'd listen to anyway-even Seimei had to admit that Kichiri was pretty scary when she wanted to be.

Days passed peacefully, with only the occasional "Lekka Shien" erupting from the other ship, quickly followed by a heavy thud and an increasingly aggravated "Stop that NOW no da!"

Seimei was in her beautifully decorated cabin (she was the Miko after all) having tea with Hotohori when Chichiri knocked on her door.

"Nanda Chichiri?" Seimei asked.

"Miko-sama," he informed her, "we are nearing the spot that you asked me to warn you about no da."

Right on time, smiled Seimei. "Yosh. Chichiri inform the other ship of that and tell the crew to raise the lightning rod and drop the sails. We're in for a storm."

"Huh no da?" Chichiri said, confused. "But there's not a cloud in the sky Miko-sama!"

"Well I'm just psychic okay? I told you I'm a better Miko than Miaka. Now just do it!" Seimei commanded.

"Okay no da," Chichiri replied. "At least Miaka didn't go on power trips no da," he muttered as he left.

"Hey! I heard that!" Seimei yelled as the monk superdeformed and sped off.

Meanwhile, over on the other ship, Kichiri was perched atop yet another pile of clothes when she suddenly looked up, having heard her name being called.

"Nanda no da?" she called.

"Kichiri-chan! Miko-sama wants me to tell you that we've reached the point she warned you about no da! She wants you to prepare for a storm no da!" She heard Chichiri's voice say.

"Wakatta yo no da!" Kichiri acknowledged. She jumped down from the pile of assorted men's clothing. "Okay you guys! Hurry up and get the lightning rod up and prepare for a storm!"

The bandits just looked at each other and didn't move.

"Kichiri-san," one of them ventured, "can we please have our clothes back first?"

"Well, I did win them fair and square, but I suppose I'll let you have them back no da," she consented.

A certain red-haired bandit muttered something about the use of magic and cheating and Kichiri fixed him with her best glare.

"You want to share that with the rest of us, Tasuki-san no da?" she said threateningly.

Tasuki gulped. She must be pissed off at him-that was the only time she called him that.

"N-nanda betsuni," he laughed, hurrying to grab his clothes before she changed her mind.

Kichiri just glared at him as he retreated behind Kouji.

Both ships readied themselves for the storm that their Miko had predicted. Sure enough, early the next morning, a chaotic storm broke loose.

But Seimei was prepared. Her ship's carefully selected crew performed wonderfully, and the ship made it safely to the shores of Hokkan-koku without incident.

On the other ship, however, things hadn't gone nearly as well. The mountain-born bandits had not reacted well to the storm. Half of them had been thrown overboard, some of them multiple times, and Kichiri had to keep rescuing the flailing men, while trying desperately to keep her protective barrier up around her ship.

Seimei's party was already ashore when the other ship arrived. In a gesture of benevolence, Seimei had her crew assist the other ship's occupants ashore.

Seimei could barely contain her laughter as the bedraggled bunch set foot on the shore (some of them kneeling down and kissing it in joy). She gleefully ignored the intense whammy Kichiri was giving her. The rest of the Seishi immediately ran to their drenched friends.

"Daijoubu na no da?" Chichiri exclaimed as he helped Kichiri out of the boat. She gave a look that clearly indicated her answer, and he shut up.

Mitsukake noticed that she wasn't walking properly and inquired as to why.

"She hurt herself saving Kouji when he fell overboard. For the fifth time," Tasuki added the last part with glee.

"Aho! You fell overboard a lot too!" Kouji said defensively.

Kichiri gave them a look that could have very easily been fatal had she not been so wiped. The two shut up.

"Mah mah!" Nuriko admonished, "you can't walk on that foot." He hoisted Kichiri up onto his back. She hardly even protested which worried him even more. Kichiri looked over Nuriko's shoulder at the argument that had broken out (again) between Tasuki and Kouji, Tamahome and the rest of the bandits shouting encouragement from the sidelines.

"That's what I had to put up with the entire way here," Kichiri told Nuriko wearily. "I even threatened to throw Shun'u's tessen overboard but it still didn't help."

Nuriko smiled back at her. "You just have too much of a soft spot for him, you know. You're still calling him Shun'u so you can't be that mad at him." Kichiri just sighed on Nuriko's shoulder and didn't say anything else as he carried her to where Seimei was standing.

"Well, now that we're all here, it's off to Mt. Black," she said.

"Why?" Tamahome asked.

"That's where the Shinzaho is, baka!"

"Is that right?" Nuriko whispered to Kichiri. Kichiri nodded. "How does she know that?" he asked.

"Don't ask-you're better off not knowing no da," was the answer.

The journey across Hokkan-koku was relatively uneventful (except for the late night card games and the fights that arose from them). Hotohori spent his time adoring his Miko, and Seimei spent her time reveling in his attention. She had always thought Miaka had been an idiot for taking Tamahome, cute as he was, over Hotohori. Nuriko either doted on Hotohori, or played Mah Jong with Kichiri, which was becoming far more interesting than fawning over Hotohori.

Tamahome sulked and pined for Miaka until Chichiri finally let him talk to her through his nifty screen magic (TM). Kichiri and Chiriko got into Battleship and they even managed to finish a few games, both winning some. Mitsukake, for the most part, sat around and talked with the resident monk, priestess, or child genius, or watched Kichiri and Chiriko sink each other's battleship. Tama-neko spent his time going from lap to lap, but usually hung around the game board, since Kichiri and Mitsukake spoiled him the most.

The bandits spent the majority of the trip alternating between various degrees of drunkenness, and experiencing hangovers. This condition kept Mitsukake busy healing them; Tamahome fighting them; Nuriko and Hotohori fending them off; Chiriko studying the habits of the drunk adolescent male; Kichiri trying to keep them in line (she eventually gave up); and Chichiri trying to keep them from hitting and hitting on people (especially Kichiri who had given up trying to get them to behave).

Seimei just kept busy laughing at it all.

Upon reaching Toran, the capitol of Hokkan-koku, everyone breathed an audible sigh of relief, even Seimei, who had eventually been dragged into the whole mess as bandits started hitting on her after Kichiri had given up.

The triumph, of course, became another excuse for a celebration, and this time, all of the Seishi joined in, even Chichiri and Kichiri. Even Chiriko had joined in on the reveling, since Kichiri's super fast metabolism had gotten her too plastered too fast for her to tell him that he was too young.

The next morning, Aspirin in hand, the Seishi set off for Mt. Black, leaving the rest of the crew to finish sobering up.

And despite wind and snow and incredible hangovers, they made it safely to the entrance. They all clustered around Tasuki's fan to warm up. All of them except for Kichiri, who is originally from Canada so the cold doesn't affect her.

Once they had sufficiently warmed up, Seimei instructed Nuriko to move away the boulder blocking the entrance to the cave of Genbu. The Seishi entered, leaving Kichiri outside as she wasn't a Seishi, and only Seishi could enter safely.

They crept down the hallway, illuminated only by Tasuki's glowing tessen and Seimei's pocket flashlight. Seimei looked around worriedly. The Genbu no Shichi Seishi should be appearing any time now and she had to be ready.

Right on cue, Tomite and Hikitsu appeared to challenge the Seishi. Seimei stopped them and instead bowed down to the two Seishi, asking that let them have the Shinzaho.

As she had expected, they issued her a challenge that she confidently accepted. She disrobed to almost nothing and felt the deadly cold seep into her body as Tomite froze her.

Yosh, she said to herself, now all I have to do is break out of this. She paused. Yep, that's all I gotta do. But unfortunately for Seimei, she didn't know how to do that. She had forgotten that she wasn't wearing Nuriko's bracelets and that Taiitsu-kun hadn't sprinkled the ashes of the burnt Shijintensho on her.

She began to panic. Tasukietee! She screamed in her mind as panic took over. Kichiri! DOOOO something!

The Seishi stood there watching their Miko being frozen solid.

"Oi," Tasuki asked, "do you think we should help her or something?"

Outside of the cave, Seimei's desperate pleas for help reached Kichiri's thoughts. "You dolt no da," Kichiri mumbled as she entered the cavern. She caught up to the Seishi and surveyed the situation.

Kichiri sighed and took off her hood and overcoat-it was getting too warm for her now that she was out of the wind. She walked towards her friend who was at that moment completely encased in ice.

"Abunai!" Tamahome shouted a warning. "They've got an ice barrier up!"

At that sound of Tamahome's voice, Tomite and Hikitsu turned to look at the intruder.

"Who are you?" Hikitsu said in surprise while Tomite's eyes just glazed over. Kawaii...

"Watashi wa Kichiri no da. I've come to ask you to release my friend no da."

"Sure," Tomite replied, smiling brightly at the priestess. "Any friend of yours, Kichiri-san, is a friend of mine."

The Suzaku Seishi fell over, except for Kichiri who just blushed.

"Tomite!" Hikitsu exclaimed. "What do you think you're doing?" The Seishi braced for a fight as Hikitsu approached Kichiri.

"I'll be the one to help her," Hikitsu finished smiling seductively at Kichiri.

The Seishi fell over again, including Kichiri, who Tomite caught before she hit the floor, and even the cavern walls and icicles sweatdropped.

"Doumo arigatou," Kichiri said once she had recovered. "Now please release Seimei-san no da."

"No problem," Hikitsu assured her. "Here, Tomite, I'll hold her while you release the Miko from the spell."

"Like hell I'm letting you hold her you womanizer!" Tomite shouted.

"It's your spell so you have to break it," Hikitsu insisted, trying to pry his fellow Seishi off of Kichiri.

Kichiri looked truly frightened. "Wah no da! Help me no da!"

Tasuki and Kouji tackled the Genbu Seishi while Nuriko ducked in and rescued a shaken, but flattered, Kichiri.

Kichiri caught her breath and then she and Chichiri went over to examine the spell of ice that currently surrounded the Miko.

"Can you break this Kichiri no da?" Chichiri asked her.

"Hai, I think so no da. But I doubt I have enough energy left to be able to actually do it after all that's happened in the last few days."

"Hmm no da. Maybe if we pooled our energy no da?" Chichiri suggested.

"Let's give it a try no da," Kichiri agreed. She placed her hands on her friend's icy form, and Chichiri placed his on Kichiri's. They focused their chi and began to break through the ice.

"Lekka Shien!"

Kichiri desperately tried to ignore them.

"She's mine Tomite!"

Chichiri gritted his teeth and fervently wished that they'd shut up.

"Hey, Tomite. I'll set you up with her. For a fee, of course."

"Really? Great! Do you take cheques?"

"Yep, but only in Konan funds and with two pieces of ID."

That did it.

"WOULD YOU GUYS &#^@^$*&@#^&-ING SHUT UP NO DA! I'M TRYING TO BREAK THIS %)*$#( SPELL NA NO DA!"

Everyone froze, even the Genbu no Shichi Seishi, who didn't usually even get cold.

"That's better no da." Kichiri returned her attention to the task at hand. She focused the new reserve of chi that her anger had produced and the ice splintered, freeing a gasping Seimei.

Seimei collapsed in Kichiri's arms, ragged breaths fogging in the cold. Kichiri wrapped her up gently in the coat she had taken off earlier and warmed her friend.

"Arigatou Kichiri," Seimei managed after a moment. "I guess there's a lot more to being a Miko than I thought."

"No problem no da. Just watch it when you accept challenges no da." Which was very true and not in just this instance.

"But now how will we get the Shinzaho?" Seimei asked.

That's right. How would they get the Shinzaho now that Suzaku no Miko had failed the challenge.

"Hey," Hikitsu suggested, "you could always become Genbu no Miko, Kichiri-san, and then we'd be happy to give it to you."

"That's okay no da." Kichiri smiled nervously.

"I'll give it to you anyway," Tomite told her. He immediately became the object of potentially lethal glares from certain group of Seishi, for various reasons.

Kichiri coughed nervously. "How about this? I'll bring you the former Suzaku no Miko and you can test her and if she passes then you can give the Shinzaho to her."

Hikitsu nodded his ascent and Tomite just stared happily at her.

"Be back in a second no da!" And Kichiri disappeared into her kasa.

And good as her word, almost exactly a second later, she reappeared, to everyone's relief, but especially Tomite's and Hikitsu's, with Miaka.

"Hiiiii minna! Did you miss me?"

The Seishi had never been happier to see their ditzy Miko than they were at that moment.

"MIAKA!" They yelled as they ran to greet her.

"Kichiri-san!" Tomite yelled as he took the opportunity to glomp onto her. That, of course, is not a smart thing to do to an irritable Amazon priestess, and Tomite found that out right away. Fortunately for him Kichiri had used up a lot of her energy on breaking the spell so he only went through a few feet of frozen rock.

What a woman, he thought as visions of pretty stars and prettier priestesses flew around his head.

And since this parody had gone on long enough, Hikitsu just gave the Suzaku Seishi the Shinzaho for being brave enough to make it this far.

Outside the cave, a humbled Seimei apologized to Miaka and the Suzaku no Shichi Seishi. Of course, it probably would have meant more if Miaka had known what was going on the whole time, but still it was a nice touch on Seimei's part.

"It was... interesting," Hotohori said diplomatically, deliriously happy that he had Miaka to dote on again.

"Yeah. Let's do it again," Nuriko lied politely.

"Really?" said Seimei excitedly. "Well, there's still another Shinzaho to find. I could just go with you-" A pair of giant fans snapped open in front of Seimei and then quickly snapped shut, returning Seimei to her world in mid-sentence.

The Seishi breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Thank Suzaku."

"And thank you too, Kichiri-chan," Nuriko added gratefully. "I don't think I could've taken another adventure with her."

"Now all we have to do is get the next Shinzaho from Sailo and then-" Miaka was interrupted as a grey blur leapt in front of her, and the Shinzaho was snatched out of her hands.

**

Back in the world of the reader, someone was reading this parody.

"That was pathetic! I could be a better Miko than that!" The girl reached over, grabbed the phone, and dialed furiously.

"Hello operator? I'd like to make a long-distance call to Konan please. Thank you, I'll hold."

**

An odd ringing could be heard atop Mt. Black in Hokkan-koku.

"Damnit no da! I really have to get an unlisted number no da," Kichiri exclaimed as she reached into her kasa to answer her phone.

The Seishi looked at Kichiri, then at each other. Simultaneously, they all whipped out their cell phones to call their agents. These scary parodies had to stop.

Owari no da ^_-

??

 

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