Musicians/Music Groups Fan Fiction >> Papa Roach
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To Wake Up Next To
By Integra Wingates Hellsing
To wake up next to you I feel as though there is nothing I
can do, you hurt me in many ways yet I still stay. Sometimes I see a smiling face, sometimes. I feel
your tight embrace. To wake up next to you I feel as though there is nothing I can do, my mind tells
me to move on, my heart says to be strong. Your drunken ways scare me half to death, but to see you
smile it takes away my breath. I wake up knowing we will be together for another day, and no matter
how much you hurt me I still stay.
A drunk recluse . . . That is what I fell in love with, but can you blame me? He was different when
I first met him, he was sober, music . . . Music ruined his life, he didn't want fame, he got it
though. I watched him walk into a path of pain, I went with him, I too am an alcoholic, we were made
for each other, two peas in a god-damned pod. Fame . . . Fame, fortune, women, drugs, sex . . . he
fell and I wasn't there to help him I was falling with him, holding his hand as we fell into a dark
abyss, surrounded by a miasma, a putrid stench of alcohol, yet the vile drink always found a way to
slither down our throats. Nothing could bring us out of the hole . . . Anything, no one would help,
our friends and family ditched us, we were left to help ourselves. I heard that god helps those who
help themselves, then why are we still falling?
I wake up each morning next to him, the events of the night before are always a blur, I cried again.
Each day we fall deeper and deeper the only end to it would be death, I accepted that, he didn't, he
has more strength than I, his music . . . music keeps him going. Music was the cause of all our
pain, yet it was the cause of all his will power, he has enough to keep us both alive. He knows what
happens to me every morning, he knows I cry, he tries his best to comfort me but not anymore.
I wake up each morning hoping to see you there, but when I turn to look your figure is never there,
I stare and stare at the door hoping to see you walk in, you never do I only hear you sing. Our
families no longer wish to help us, they never even tried to keep us from falling, our families no
longer care. I walk downstairs each and every day I hope to have a glance at him but he is locked
away in his music room. Tears stream down my face I no longer get to see his smiling face, I reach
for my only solution, the cold vile concoction which deepens the depression. "Does my mother love
me? Does my father even care? If I'm sad or angry you were never ever there when I needed you . .
His lyrics speak to all who listen and that is all I ever get from him, his warm arms no longer are
around me as I sleep, I wish to wake next to him and see his smiling face, but we no longer see each
other. Sometimes he goes into a drunken rage, he doesn't hurt me physically he is conscious of that,
emotionally is different, as his lyrics hit the heart so do his hurtful words, though I no longer
know what they mean, I am too drunk to even notice him yelling.
"Cut my life into pieces this is my last resort suffocation, no breathing, don't give . . ." I woke
and he wasn't there again, I know he was in bed I can feel the little warmth that was left. I am
beginning to forget what he looks like. I can only remember his toothy gorgeous smile. His face is
becoming a blur, I have lost sight as to what color his eyes are, and to what his scent is like, all
I can smell now is the miasma that surrounds our home.
"Cause I'm losing my sight losing my mind wish somebody would tell me I'm . . . " I have no friends,
he . . . Jacoby was . . . is my only friend, but what kind of friend abandons you? I have lost him
to the music. I have lost him to the beer. We're both lost, we both need someone to tell us
everything is fine, but how can it be? Our lives are no longer what they use to be, we're on a
course that goes in circles, eventually it will lead to our death.
"All I need is a bottle and I don't need no friends . . ." When it began, it was at least two years
when it all started, I don't really remember, the alcohol has erased some of my memory. Two years .
. . time flies when you're having fun . . . I just want to wake up to him again, we need help, we
won't admit it, we're too stubborn, we're idiots, we need help and we won't get it. We know we need
it. We keep telling ourselves to get it . . . I just want to wake up in his arms again.
To wake up next to you I would be happy, all the pains that we've been through will be gone because
we don't remember what's happened. To wake up next to you my life will be perfect again, what caused
us all this pain in the first place? Why have we sunk so low? We keep falling and yet we don't stop.
I want to see you again, we're so close yet we don't know who the other is anymore. We were happy
and carefree, just look and what alcohol has done to me. I want to change, I want to go and change
with you, but you are a recluse . . . You won't look at me anymore. To wake up next to you I would
die happy knowing you care, but look at you you're no longer there. Everyday it is the same, I walk
to the couch and I hear him playing, I drink my drink and I don't even care. I can hear his voice, I
guess that's one more thing I haven't forgotten, that's all I hear anymore, I only hear him sing, I
no longer get an 'I love you' or a 'good morning.' He's put himself at a distance I want to hear him
say those things to me, it's selfish I know but I want it, I need his strength, I have no will to go
on I just want to take the letter opener in front of me and end it all. I know he will be sad, I
don't even have the strength to take my own life, I am a pathetic drunk.
The door to his music room opened and there he was after all this time I can see him again, his face
looks distant and pale. I smile inwardly knowing he is happy to see me as well, it has been too
long. I notice the dark circles under his eyes, he hasn't slept, he walks over to me, he takes a
seat. We stay there not saying a word, he decides to lie down grabbing me and pulling me close, his
arms wrapped around me. It felt so good to be in his arms again I was afraid to go to sleep, I was
afraid because I knew when I woke up he would not be there. After so long I hear him speak to me, it
was something I've been wanting to hear for so long. "When I'm sober, life bores me, so I get drunk
again I'm losing all my friends I'm losing in the end . . . We need help." A smile played on my
face, he smiled as well, picking up the phone we called the only person we knew who would help.
"Now wallow in my pain, I swallow as I pretend to act like I'm happy when I drink to no end . . ."
Only one person could help us, well there were two others but we knew he would be the first to jump
in and save us. While all other had left us to fall and die he stuck by our sides, we felt so guilty
to make him suffer, but he is the only true friend we have in this eternal suffering.
It pained us to see him walk into our home a look of pity on his face, he has seated himself on the
table in front of us. His eyes filled with sadness, he was on the verge of tears, then they just
flowed down his face, he tried to stop them but they just kept flowing down like a stream. He caused
me to cry as well, Tobin . . . Tobin is the only one to jump down with a cord attached to him to try
and pull us back up, Tobin is the only one to jump to try and save us from walking a path toward an
early death. I noticed Jacoby was crying as well, Tobin reached out to us and pulled us into a hug,
our tears never ceasing, they just flowed on like an endless stream, I knew he could see the pain in
our eyes and in our hearts.
He as in Tobin has taken us to our first AA meeting, I was scared, Jacoby being strong as ever held
my hand and made all my nerves vanish. I had told myself in my mind over and over again that all the
people in there were alcoholics that I should not be nervous but it wasn't until he held my hand
that everything became better, I knew everything would become better. Opening the door I could see
everyone just looking at me, I wanted to turn and run, Jacoby just squeezed my hand tighter
reassuring me that everything would be ok.
As we walk down the path we come to a forked road, two ways to go and only one road has an end. I
wake up next to you though it has only been one week, I'm finally in your arms, your body radiating
warmth that I so longed for, your face imprinting itself in my mind again though slowly.
Tobin was the only one helping us, Dave and Jerry were busy with their own problems, I didn't mind
Tobin was all the help we needed. He had thrown away all our "magic" elixir, all of it. Our wines,
our hard liquors, anything with a trace of alcohol, I was happy to see them go, I could tell Jacoby
was too, the smile on his face radiated happiness. It warmed my heart to see an actual smile instead
of the imprinted memory, Jacoby held me close. My body longed for his touch, and to feel him holding
me again I just burst into tears.
"So help me, save me, tell me that the end is near, help me, save me, tell me that the end is here .
. ." It wasn't the end it was only just the beginning, we were going through withdrawal, Jacoby
would go into convulsions, I would vomit, I couldn't stomach down food, my throat was dry and felt
constricted, you would think I got the worst of it, no Jacoby not only suffered from convulsions, he
would vomit as well, he was bruised and banged up from his violent shaking, Tobin and his wife
stayed by our sides. Our bodies were so dependant on the alcohol our withdrawal was terrible, Tobin
would tie down Jacoby to keep him from falling off the bed and hurting himself. Jennifer would hold
my cold body and try to feed me but it never stayed down. Water was the only thing I could stomach,
even then my throat felt dry.
Weeks had passed and our symptoms never worsened nor did they become better, I was afraid I was
going to die, I was even more afraid for my lover, his wrists had rope burns, he was pale, I cried
myself to sleep every night, after so many months of not seeing him, of not being in his arms, he
had finally came back to me, but as soon as he came he left me just as quickly, I could only watch
him. Tobin and Jennifer were actually able to get a doctor to come to us, he of course could only
say what we all knew, Jacoby and I were dependant on alcohol, so much that taking it away so quickly
caused such a violent withdrawal. I was scared, I broke down in front of everyone, Jennifer held me
close. The doctor had assured Tobin that Jacoby and I would be better soon, we all hoped he was
Dave and Jerry would come to care for us once in awhile, when Tobin or Jennifer couldn't make it.
Our conditions did become better, Jacoby's convulsions became less frequent, I was able to take in
some foods, although solids were out of the question. Jacoby and I stopped vomiting but my throat
still felt dry, my body was still cold, although Jacoby still suffered from violent shaking he would
hold me when he could. He would take me in his arms and hold me to keep me warm. It was murder on
us, we couldn't leave the house, Jacoby was even paler than before, as was I. Although I had not
suffered as much as Jacoby I couldn't leave the house, I was afraid for Jacoby.
"I see the walls are closing in, and I feel I am in danger, my enemy is not alone, in the mirror
there's a stranger, as I tried to break out my panic led to fear, hopeless I am alone, I'm afraid
the end is near . . ." Although our symptoms of withdrawal were over with, we weren't over the
demon, we craved the vile liquid, Tobin was always there to help us. We kept going to the meetings,
we hoped to get better, it scared me that we wouldn't, but Jacoby being who he is told me to not
fear that soon our lives would be back to the way it was. My panic and fear left, I was weak, Jacoby
was my support without him I would have given up hope so long ago.
It became worse one day, we were in Tobin's home when Dave came over with beer, Tobin scolded Dave
who just didn't seem to care that Jacoby and I were recovering alcoholics. I began to shake, Jacoby
held me close, Dave soon felt the guilt well up inside of him, taking the beer into the kitchen and
putting it away. Jacoby thanked him, I smiled and thanked him as well, he returned the smile. Jacoby
and I stayed over in Tobin's home, it was late and the drive was long, so he and Jennifer allowed us
to stay, that's when things went downhill again.
I had woken up that night, terrified I noticed Jacoby wasn't in bed with me, I ran downstairs
knowing where he was. As I had suspected he was in the kitchen with a can of beer in his hand open.
I began to cry he looked at me, fear, and anger in his eyes, but then he began to cry as well. I
fell onto my knees, Jacoby was the stronger out of the two of us, yet he gave into temptation, I
felt alone at that moment. I didn't notice but Jacoby was holding me, it wasn't until I felt his
warm tears hit my face that I knew he was holding me. Tobin had come downstairs to see what had
happened he noticed to open can of beer on the counter, he also noticed what I didn't, the other
five cans were empty. Tobin was angry, he came up to us, he pulled Jacoby's face toward him, there
was no sign that he had been drinking, his breath didn't smell of alcohol, he did the same to me, no
sign as well. Tobin broke down crying, it seemed Jacoby was just throwing away all the beer into the
drain, I had no idea why he was crying, and I was clueless until the end.
"I wanna be free from the ball and chain, be free from this life of pain, be free from this ball and
chain, I wanna be free from you." It has been months, ten months to be exact since Jacoby and I have
had anything alcoholic, Tobin had explained to me what had happened that night in his home, and I
was jubilant that day, to hear that my lover was just getting rid of what plagued us made me so
happy. To wake up next to you I feel so much love, I see it in your eyes there is nothing more I
want. To wake up next to you I use to feel pain, now I feel as though we'll never go through that
again. I got what I want, I get to see your loving face again, you are my one and only best
Although we had gotten rid of our addiction we are still tempted but looking at each other we know
what we must do. Our lives were miserable we did not want to go through all of that again, it was
painful enough to just be addicted but the aftermath was not very pleasant. The physical pain we
went through was bad, those wounds will heal in time, but the emotional pain was even worse, these
scars will never heal. The fits of rage he would go through and the things he would say to me will
never leave me. The feeling of guilt of making me feel unimportant will never leave him, watching
ourselves cry, then looking into the mirror and seeing a broken soul, watching each other as our
souls slowly decayed, it will be something that will never leave us, but it will help us become what
we hope to be. "It's never to late to live your life the time is now it's do or die, it's never to
late to live your life, the time is now, it's your's and mine."
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The preceeding was a work of fiction. Any statements regarding any person, place, or other entity (real or imaginary) is the sole responibility of the author of this work of fiction. Fan Works Inc. takes no responsibility for the content of user submitted stories. All stories based on real people are works of fiction and do not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. All stories based on other copyrighted works are written with authors knowing that these works violate copyright laws.
Please see the Terms of Service for more information.