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MSTWC2K- Writing One
By El Sallo
Who owns what:
MST3K- Best Brains Inc.
All Sailor Moon charas- Nakao Takeuchi
Xellos Metallium- Hajime Kanzaka
Joey Wheeler- Kazuki Takahashi
James Rocket- Satoshi Ojiri (sp?)
Cecil Terwilliger and Leela Turanga- Matt Groening
Sally Buckley- that would be your authoress. Hi! :)
Lance Bass- himself of course. Nothing he says or does in here
means he actually says or does it. You know the drill.
All Harry Potter properties- JK Rowling, a.k.a She Who Must Be
Acknowledged ;) [extra-thanks to HP Lexicon, so I'd know my canon nitpicking and
jokes were correct. Mwah! :-*]
All RENT properties- the estate of Jonathan Larson, which I have
nothing but mad love for. Should any of them come across this, please don't kill
me. I'm only trying to protect you.
Random references to other fanfics, songs, movies, cartoons, anime,
books etc- their respective owners. Just covering my royal Canadian arse here :)
Where to find "Seasons of Love" by gordo-girl:
TURN OUT THE LIGHTS...
(set traps on the floor, swing at the air with a bat, take your
phone off the hook, shut the windows, pull the shades, grab the semi-automatic,
stock up on ammo, turn on the alarms, lock the door, put the couch in front of
it, put the kids in front of the couch...
...can you tell I'm being a bit paranoid here?)
"The ol' gray future, she ain't what she use to be..."
Episode 29: Writing One Great MST by Writin'Chica2K/DarchangelSkye
(Cue the theme song!)
Sometime not too long ago,
Back in Reality,
Was an ALian named Sally
Not too different from you and me
Some considered her quite the good writer,
But still others wanted to spite her,
Wanted nothing more to bring her down,
So now she's trapped in Toontown!
(Sally: This is kinda cool...Waitaminut...HELLLP!)
We'll send her cheesy writings,
The worst that we can find,
She'll hafta read them all
And we'll monitor her mind
There really is no telling
Where the fics begin or end
But Sal can keep her sanity
With the help of some cartoon friends!
Sally! (Who the cack is Jalan?!?!?)
Lance! (I wanna go back to Mississippi! *sob*)
Usagi! (In the name of the moon, I shall riff you!)
Cecil! (What I gotta do to stay in work in Toontown...)
Leeeeela! (That's TWO 'e's!)
James! (Surrender your food or prepare to fight!)
If you're wondering about her real life
And other so-called facts,
Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST
I should really just relax."
EVIL LAUGHTER LAIR
7:15 PM ELSEWHERE
AND OHMIGOD, VOLDEMORT'S BEHIND YOU!!!
MADE YOU LOOK :P
(we open the scene on Malachite and Xellos at the ELL computer,
hoping to search around AFF.net. However, since it's decided to switch servers
again, the entire site has been brought to a screeching halt for Ruby-Eye
knows how long. Obviously, the Mads are not pleased with this. Joey, who's been
polishing the several monitors, pops up beside them just as the computer has been
given a violent thumping)
Joey: Uh...having a little trouble?
Malachite (false cheer): Oh, no, nothing at all. If we can just
get this silly fic from the web... (another violent thumping, intermingled with
one of the most shocking threats ever made toward a website administrator. Joey
only smiles pleasantly and goes back to polishing)
Xellos (after a while): (sotto voce) Oh, bloody hell...(out loud)
Well, bad news is, we can't get on AdultFanfiction-
Joey (smirk): Ah, too bad.
Xellos: -Meaning we must get to the bottom of this ourselves.
(he and Malachite snap the edges of their gloves and head for the exit)
Joey: Does that mean there's no experiment now?
Malachite (turns and glares): Do you think we're that stupid?
There's backups in the file cabinet, and don't think of pulling the wool
over our eyes, Wheeler. You can be demoted to worse than janitor.
(Joey lets out a despondent sigh as the others leave. He pulls
on heavy-duty gloves, carefully opens said file cabinet, and turns his head away
as he grabs the first fic he can reach. Slowly he brings the sheaf of papers within
eyesight and reads it over for a few minutes...)
Joey (exaggerated accent): Whoa, that's a spicy meat-a-ball! (normal)
Guess it'll do. Better make some printouts first... (heads to the computer to find
HAREM OF LOVE
(Leela is standing up, pointing to some words on a screen. The
others are seated, in the middle of a word association game.)
Leela: Remember, say the first thing that comes to your mind,
Guys: No problem.
Leela: Okay, here we go. (points to first word) Harem.
Sally: Of Love.
Leela: All right. Robots.
Lance: Mary Sue.
James: Caps lock.
Sally: Er...Daphne Lovejoy.
Cecil: (shaking violently) SONOFA(BLEEP)! PUTTING ME IN THAT FANFIC!
ARGH! (rises from his seat and rips apart the screen. The others run for cover)
Lance: Yeesh! And he's the most together of all of us!
Leela: I think that title belongs to me, thank you! (notices Cambot.)
Oh, hi all! Welcome to the HOL. Umm...we'll have to get back to you for obvious
reasons. Just hold on...
(Cecil is seen chewing on the tattered remains of the screen as
the feed cuts off)
This MSTing brought to you by Tid-EE-Box Litter, because big cats
crap big. Support Tid-EE-Box Litter, including the Tid-EE-Box production of "The
Glass Menagerie." Go buy some cat litter. NOW, dammit!
(hums "Tea for Two"...)
(OK, we're back, and looky, looks like Joey is conferring with
the HOL crew right now! Let's listen in...)
Cecil (picking tattered remain of the screen from his teeth):
Are you sure you just can't fool them with something else?
Joey: Guys, if it were up to me, I'd have you reading something
normal, but Malachite- he'd know.
Leela: So, what did you grab?
Joey: They found some Harry Potter fic a while back, guess they
were letting it ripe...and I do mean ripe.
Sally: Yeah, but we...don't really know much about the HP canon.
Joey: I know. I found some printouts from HP Lexicon and left
'em in the theatre for you.
Usagi: Aww, that was sweet.
Lance: We won't tell the Mads, promise.
Joey: Thanks guys. Here goes nothing. (feeds fic into transporter
and the monitor flips off)
James: Uh-oh, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
(all rush to the elevator)
7... (It's a Southern Baptist. You wrap a gay pride flag around
his head to confuse him and you move on)
6... (It's a lemon, as in the fruit. You squeeze it to make lemonade,
take a chug, and move on)
5... (It's somebody from Portal Of Evil with a flame-thrower.
You douse yourself in asbestos, toss a bucket of water at the flamer, and move
4... (It's the fourth wall, literally. You kick and kick at it
until some bricks shatter, then you crawl through the hole and move on)
3... (It's Waggy [le shudder!]. He almost tosses a lawsuit for
$25000 at you, but you drop a washing machine on his head and move on)
2K... (Something falls from the sky and misses hitting your head
by inches. You pick it up, see it's a _tennis_ with the tag "property of Oscar"
on it, and move on)
1... (It's Sally's family kitties, how adorable! You huggle them
and move on)
(all enter the theatre and take their seats, brushing cat hair
off them. The lights darken, and the screen flips on with-)
Seasons of Love
James: Is that a...?
Lance: RENT song, I believe it is.
Cecil: An HP fic set to a RENT song? Well, I've seen worse, we
can handle this.
Sally (muttering): Forgetting that play wasn't around during
the HP storyline...
Usagi: Rowling's made timeline inconsistencies too.
Sally: At least she admits it, instead of going "STFU N00B I CAN
DO WUT I WANT!!!!1!"
Lance: ...Damn, that was eerily accurate.
Lance: Lemme guess, the author keeps her TViO on the Disney Channel
and wears Stuff by Duff. (a hammerspace mallet appears from Sally's pocket and
whacks him) OW! What the hell?
Leela: Sal likes Lizzie McGuire too, remember?
Usagi: Oh no, that means there's gonna be more!
James: Just like how every other fanfic in existence began.
Lance: For better or worse.
The sun shone bright outside the apartments on Grimaldie place.
Cecil (Noriko): Ahem...that's "Grimmauld."
Sitting on the curb outside the apartments were three teenagers.
James: We're Donald Duck's bodyguards. Step aside so he can pass.
Usagi: Wow, Disney sure gets around.
Two boys, one with unkept black hair and glasses
Sally: "Unkept", so close but juuuust missed it.
Usagi: When Oscarisms strike Harry Potter...
the other tall with red hair, and a girl with curly light brown
hair that fell to her mid-back. The boy with the glasses ran his fingers through
his black hair revealing a lightning bolt-shaped scar.
Cecil: Never golf during a storm.
They remained silent
Lance: But deadly.
until they heard a popping sound behind them. They all spun around
wands at the ready.
"Bloody hell mum" Ron said, "You scared us!"
"What are you three doing out here?" Molly Weasley said her hands
on her hips.
James (Ron): Looking for missing commas.
"Get back inside! You should know better. With all that has been
Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back inside fallowed by an angry
Cecil: Ah, rogue commas slipped in.
Sally: Fallowed? Fallowed?
"Now, where's Ginny?" Mrs. Weasley said, "GINNY!" she yelled.
(everyone shakes about in their seats)
Leela: Yeesh... I think we need to turn the volume down. Any higher
and the theatre will crack apart.
"God Mum!" Ginny said coming out of the kitchen wearing a short
skirt and high boots, "I'm right here!"
"Ginny, take that stuff off and put something more suitable on."
Lance (Ginny): Right here? Well, if you insist...
Ginny rolled her eyes and with a flick of her wand changed into
a pair of ripped jeans and a shirt that said, "my face is up here".
James: Clothus Harloticus!
Mrs. Weasley frowned and with a flick of her wand changed Ginny's
shirt to an oversized white button down that was buttoned all the way up.
Sally: As opposed to being buttoned all the way down. Ow, my brain.
Ginny groaned and with a flick of her wand
Leela: The magic of cut and paste.
the shirt became tighter and some of the top buttons came unbuttoned.
Usagi (groan): Oh no, the author's turned Ginny into a Filthy!Skanky!Sue
in the first chapter.
Lance (sotto voce): Well, one out of three is what she's supposed
to be anyway... (whapped upside the head again)
"Now", Ginny said looking pleased with herself, what did you need
"I just wanted to know if you were still in the house." Mrs. Weasley
said with her hands on her hips yet again.
James: It's an epidemic!
"Where else would I be mother?"
Usagi: So this is the Harry Potter cast? Talking in no commas.
Leela: No. Remember the magic word. Say it with me.
"I don't know, since you've been sneaking out of the house almost
every night this week!"
Cecil: Ginny needs a better Invisibility Cloak.
As Mrs. Weasley and Ginny continued to fight, Ron nudged Harry
"Let's go upstairs," he said, "I don't want to witness both Mum
AND Ginny when they get angry."
When they got upstairs Harry plopped down on the bed.
"This is so ridiculous! We can't even go outside anymore! It's
like everyone thinks that Snapes going to jump out from behind a tree and kill
Sally: One Snape jumping out to kill you is bad enough, but an
army of 'em?
All: (le shudder!)
"I know it's hard to believe Harry, but that's probably what they
do think. Ever since Dumbledore died, everything has changed." Hermione
"And", Harry said, "I can't believe that they are making us go
back to school! After all that has happened, and all that has to be done."
Lance (Harry): Given that I said I wasn't going back to school,
since I have to find those Horcruxes...
"I know Harry" Hermione said in a quiet voice, "It's not something
that we can avoid."
Usagi: Just like this fic.
"But it might be something we can improve upon." Ron said from
where he was standing by the window.
James (Ron): What could be keeping Santa?
"What do you mean?" Harry said his brow furrowed.
Cecil: -The plains.
Sally: I just wanna know what this author's obvious hatred of
commas comes from.
"I don't know, but maybe we can come up with something that will
keep our minds off of all this... stuff."
Lance: And nonsense.
Leela: Up as he realized he was in another badfic.
his hands up in frustration. Harry nodded in agreement.
"I've got it!" Hermione said jumping to her feet. Harry and Ron
looked at her with wide eyes. "A musical! We should do a musical!"
Sally (to self): Breathe...
Ron looked at her completely confused, "What!"
James (Ron): 'Mione, have you been hitting the stale Chocolate
"A musical. You know a play where they sing. My mum and dad used
to take me to them all the time when I was little."
"It might be a good idea." Harry said to Hermione ", but if we
do something like that lets make sure that we do one that's not too, well, cheesy."
Lance: So, Rats-stravaganza is out, then?
"I have one that's not cheesy at all!"
Sally: ...Oh, please...
Hermione went to her bag
Sally: ...Don't let it be what I think it is...
and pulled out a book,
Sally: ...Please God, no...
Usagi: Okay, nobody panic. Cecil, get her a glass of water. Lance,
for the love of Kami-SAMA lay off the bad jokes. Everyone, pray to whatever higher
power you believe in. This is gonna get ugly...
"What's that?" Ron said
"I think I heard about that one", Harry said nodding and standing
up. "It's that one that has that 'Seasons of Love' song in it"
Cecil: Had to use your Time-Turners before they all went kerplooey,
James: That explanation makes more sense than anything so far.
"Yeah" Hermione said, "It's really a amazing show. It deals with
HIV, poverty, loss, love, and so much more!"
Leela: Sure, because most of those things are SO uplifting. (/sarcasm)
"Sounds cool." Ron said, " We should do it."
Just then Ginny came in.
(all [conscious] imitate canned laughter and applause)
"Hey, guys. What's going on?"
Leela: Getting a new brain for Sally as hers exploded?
Sally (slowly gaining consciousness): Uhh, what a freaky nightmare!
I dreamed we had to read this Harry Potter/RENT crossmix and...I'm not dreaming,
Cecil: We have fallen into the abyss, m'lady, and this is the
Sally: Okay. Okay-okay-okay. I'm good. Just a fanfic. Nothing
but a fanfic. I'm fine. I can get through this.
Lance: If we survive I'll treat you to a chocolate float at the
Sally: Swap that to two fingers of Guinness and you're on.
"Ginny" Hermione said, "we hade an idea."
James: I didn't know 'Mione was any relation to Hagrid.
Sally: The way the books are going, I wouldn't be surprised.
As Harry, Ron and Hermione told Ginny about their idea her face
Lance: There was two hours of untangling the cords, another hour
of finding the burned-out bulb, sudden cries of "Crookshanks' eating the tinsel!"...
"We have to do that! If there's one thing Hogwarts needs is a
opportunity to express themselves."
"So" Harry said, "it's decided. Hogwarts is going to do a musical."
Cecil (Dumbledore): Over my dead body!...Hey, wait a minute...
Usagi: Hey, where's the... (Leela leans over and taps the
"Chapter 2" at far right) Oh.
(MSTers note: Uh, obviously another joke cruelly slain by the limitations of
Creative Writer's HTML...)
The rest of the night was spent trying to figure out the details.
How would they convince McGonagall?
Sally: You can't. There's no way you could freakin' EVER. The
Lance: Dare to dream...
Where would they perform?
James (announcer): At a theatre near you!
Usagi: ARGH! I hate it when they say that! How do they know where
When would they have auditions? And most importantly,
Cecil: Can we get out of this theatre with SOME cerebral cortex
what parts did they themselves want?
"What is this show about anyway 'Mione?" Ron asked, "What are
"Well" Hermione said "It's about a bunch of 20-somethings who
are trying to live in New York City in the late 80's/early 90's.
James: Ack! Movie!timeline!
The term they use is 'bohemians'.
Sally: Something certainly
lost on the purebloods, at least.
They live in abandoned apartment buildings because they have no
money and they are living with AIDS. It's pretty much about a year in their lives,
and friendship, love, loss, and really life!" Hermione's eyes sparkled as she flipped
through her book on "Rent",
Lance: Jeez. Every comma she left out of the first chapter is
coming back to haunt us now.
"there are about 8 main characters and a bunch of ensemble parts.
James: People are ALWAYS forgetting Squeegee Man.
Cecil (shakes head): Blatant discrimination...
Let's see", she flipped through to the front of the book, "there's
Mark who dreams of being a movie director. He films everything and kind of act
as the shows narrator. There's Roger, a musician who is Marks best Friend and roommate.
His girlfriend left him a note saying 'we have AIDS before she killed herself.
He falls in love with Mimi, who lives below him and Mark. She is an S&M dancer
and a drug addict.
Lance: And that's STILL vanilla compared to most HP fiction!
She also has AIDS. She used to go out with Benny who is a rich
married guy who used to live with Roger and Mark.
Cecil: Ah, yes, the lap dog to a wealthy daughter of the revolution.
Sally: I wouldn't mind being a wealthy daughter of the revolution.
Leela: Sal, you'd be hated by all your peers.
Sally: At least I'd be wealthy.
There is also Maureen who is
Lance: The funk queen of the universe, missy, and don't you forget
Marks ex-girlfriend and an activist. She is now with Joanne who
is a lawyer and Maureen's girlfriend. There is also Collins and Angel. Collins
is a old friend of Mark and Roger who also has AIDS, he falls in love with Angel
who is a cross dresser and is also with AIDS."
"Well" Harry said, "It sure puts our problems into perspective."
Sally (frustrated screech): Their father figure and mentor has
been brutally murdered, the school has gone through a complete shakeup, Voldemort
is about to rise to power again, and a bunch of 20-somethings with AIDS put their
problems in perspective?!
James: This author is going DOWN.
"Yeah" Ron said shaking his head, "I think that these days we
need some perspective." His friends nodded sadly in agreement,
Leela: Reserve your Harry Potter bobble-head figurines today!
"I think character wise, I want to play Mark. I like the idea
of being the one who gets to tell the story."
Cecil: Seeing as poor Ron's always the perennial sidekick-
Usagi: Shh! You'll only prove the author right!
"Well" Hermione said straitening up,
Leela: What, she channeled her way through the room?
"I think I want to play Maureen. She fights foe what she believes
is right and she is a strong character."
"Yeah" Ginny said smile ling "I wonder why you want that role."
Ron started to laugh, but turned it into a cough when Hermione started to glair
Cecil: These blatant typos are certainly leaving me "glairing"
instead of "smile ing."
Lance: Well, it certainly wouldn't make sense for 'Mione to be
cast as Maureen to get closer to Harry, Maureen's lesbionic for most of the play!
Sally: Ten to one the author was watching the movie with a paper
bag over her head.
Ginny shook her head, "I think that I want to play Mimi."
"What!" Ron said.
James: Dollars to donuts he'll say that often during the fic.
"I heard that she ahs good
Lance: (snicker snicker)
songs" Ginny said with a shrug. Hermione laughed and Ginny smiled.
Sally (Ginny): Easy, Weasley. She's your brother's best friend;
you can't do anything rash...aww, screw it. AVADA KEDAVRA!
She didn't say the real reason she wanted to be Mimi. She could
Leela: Next person to make a Filthy!Skanky!Sue joke gets inserted
into a Thinkerfic.
When Mimi gets pushed away by Roger she feels hurt.
Lance: Funny that 'Mione neglected to mention that little
Just like how Ginny felt when Harry pushed her away. She had spent
the whole summer trying hard to either avoid him or act like nothing was wrong,
that he was just another guy. But that's just was what it was, an act.
Usagi: I thought she still had a crush on him, I mean, it is after
the sixth book.
Leela: That's only
what Rowling said. But what does she know? It's not like she created Harry Potter
or anything. (rolls eye)
Her thoughts were interrupted by Harry.
"I think that I would like to play Roger. He seems like a interesting
'Go figure' Ginny thought with a smirk, 'If he gets the part then
it'll be type-casting.'
Cecil (eerily calm): A boy-wizard, who I highly doubt could even
attend a musical without snickering, much less forget his quest for the Horcruxes
to pour his heart and soul into one, being cast as an HIV-positive rock singer
going off a year of withdrawal, would be type-casting. Excuse me. (walks to other
end of the theater) AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! (walks back to his seat)
Sally: Feel better?
Cecil: A little.
Harry also had an alternate reason to want that role. He wanted
to prove to Ginny that he still cared.
'I never meant to hurt her.' He thought.
Usagi: (sigh): A school play to hook people up. Can you think
of anything more unoriginal?
Lance: Look on the bright side; it's not Romeo & Juliet.
All: (le shudder!)
Their conversation was interrupted by the sounds of Mrs. Weasley
coming up the stairs.
"Gotta go!" said Ginny springing to her feet. Ginny and Hermione
quickly slipped out of the room before Mrs. Weasley made it up the stairs.
All: AAAAH!?CAPS LOCK!?JERK!!!
James: gordo-girl seems to be awful fussy about her chapter title
Two days later Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny along with other
Lance: What's this "and the rest" crap?
stood outside the huge crimson train that was the Hogwarts Express.
"Well" Mrs. Weasley said pulling her knitted shall closer to her,
"Have a good term. Send me an owl when to get there, and don't get into any trouble...
Ginny." Ginny rolled her eyes in response.
"Bye Mum." Ron said
"Bye Mrs. Weasley."
[Return to Top]
They boarded the train and tried to find a compartment. Hermione
had to go patrol the train as head girl, which suprized no one. Harry and Ron kept
walking trying to find a compartment. They walked past a almost empty compartment.
Leela: What does this author have against "an"s?
The only person in there was Draco Malfoy. Harry and Ron stopped
suprized to see the slitherin prince without his goons.
Cecil: Seeing as he was supposed to be on the run and not returning...
"Let's keep looking", Harry said remembering that Draco had been
the one who was suppose to kill Dumbledore last year. Ron nodded not believing
that Draco could be anything but bad.
Usagi: Shall you, or shall I?
Lance: You do the honors.
Usagi: Okay. (deep breath) LIKE THIS FIC?!
As the two Gryffindors walked away Draco frowned. 'It was going
to be a long year.'
Finally Harry and Ron found a compartment with Lee
James: Waitaminut, Lee should've graduated already!
Leela: And the nitpicking will now seriously commence.
and Ginny. As they tried to find someplace to put all of their
stuff Harry told Lee and Ginny what they saw.
"He was just sitting there all alone." Harry said placing Hedwig
on the floor, "No Crabb, no Goyal.
James: Especially no Crabbe and no Goyle.
Sally: Would it have KILLED this author to at least put closed
captions on her DVD player?
Cecil: Now now Sal, that would require actually reading.
"Maybe he's feeling guilty for being slimy bastard."
Leela: It's a sad day when an already bad writer starts mis-writing
Ginny said plopping down on the bench.
Lance: (imitates whoopee cushion)
Ron and Harry laughed.
Lance/James: Alright! (high-five)
"I don't know guys." Lee said brushing his dreadlocks out of his
face, "Maybe it's something more then that."
Just then Hermione opened the sliding glass door and came into
the tiny compartment.
Usagi (Hermione squeezing in): Oof...
"You guys won't believe what I just found out."
Leela: Soylent Green is people?
Sally: The Canadian dollar's at a new high?
Lance: MTV's actually playing videos again?
She said, "Malfoy's parents kicked him out! McGonagall pulled
me aside and told me that halfway through the summer holiday he showed up on her
doorstep, completely beat up, and needing someplace to stay."
Lance: Bawling his eyes out, no less.
Sally: WHY did crying-jag!Draco have to become canon?
"And she just let him in?" Ron said, "After he was going to kill
"But he could kill him Ron," Lee said, "He couldn't bring himself
to do it."
Usagi: "But he could kill him; he couldn't bring himself
to do it-"?
James (dizzily): Uh...guys...that line has me all queasy...I think
I'm gonna be sick...
Leela: Not on me you aren't!
Lance: Okay, James, calm down, breathe, repeat after me: "Maybe
he'd be able to have Hedely..."
James: (woozily) "Maybe he'd be able to have Hedely..."
Lance: "... play as his band if he won Canadian Idol."
James: "Play as his band if he wo-" Ooouulp! (lunges forward
and loses it loudly)
Sally: Dude, dirty trick.
Usagi: (leaning forward to watch) Those barf bag dispensers under
the seats are miracles.
Cecil: Well, after "Team Rocket Messes Up Again" it seemed logical.
(James sits back up just in time for:)
"McGonagall said that he was really feeling horrorable about what
James: Oh NO- (ducks back out of sight, retching again)
Cecil: You all right? I'd like to help you out, but my Fanfic-to-English
dictionary exploded after "Absolution."
James: (false bravado) Oh yeah. I'm fine. On with the story.
Cecil: Times like this, I'm glad I only eat late at night now.
Hermione said sitting down, "He wants to change."
"Maybe he has changed." Lee said.
"I doubt it." Harry said.
James: Boy, Harry's a regular ray of sunshine.
"You should have a little more faith in people Harry." Lee said,
"You might just be suprized."
There was silence in the compartment.
Leela: Maybe we can cast a Silencio and shut this fic up?
Lance: If only...
"well," Hermione said breaking the silence, "I asked McGonalgal
Sally: McGonagall. Geez. You got it right a few sentences
ago, it's not that hard.
Usagi: Actually, it is.
"what did she say", Ginny said her eyes wide.
"she said" Hermione said taking a deep breath,
Usagi (McGonagall in bad British accent): You're a WITCH! Burn
her, burn her!
Leela: C'mon, there's no excuse for missing capitals. Everybody
has spell and grammar check these days.
Cecil: If a million monkeys with a million typewriters typed for
a million years-
Sally: They would produce a Meg Cabot novel.
"that she thought it was a brilliant idea!"
The whole compartment broke into cheers.
Lance: "Yay! We've completely gone OOC with no way of turning
"This year might be better then I though." Harry said.
"Can anybody audition?" Lee said.
"3rd years and up is what McGonagall said", Hermione said as she
rummaged through her bag for the book.
Sally (Hermione): Let's see: makeup, pepper-jack cheese, Hot Topic
skirt...where's that book?
"This is going to be so cool!" Lee said, "I saw the show in London.
It's really amazing."
"We should get changed." Ginny said, "I think we're almost here."
"RENT is going to be the best!" Harry said.
Cecil: If I see one more row of "said"s in this fic, I'll go postal!
Lance: ...He said.
Outside the door Draco stopped in his tracks.
Lance: Oh please, not fanon drug-addict!Draco too.
'Hogwarts was doing RENT?' He thought, 'Maybe this wouldn't be
a bad year after all!'
Leela: Speak for yourself, Malfoy.
Usagi: Can we take a break?
Sally: Doesn't look like it.
Cecil: The madness continues.
Lance: Rogue "an" slipped in there.
It was weird walking into the Great hall and looking at the teacher's
table and not seeing Dumbledore at the center.
James: OK, what happened to the commas? I was just getting used
to them again.
As Harry looked around he knew he was not alone in feeling this.
He saw the solemn look on many peoples face. He saw that many students were missing,
including Seamus. The room felt slightly empty.
Sally: Given that you just said several people were missing-
Cecil: I think she means empty in the emotional sense.
Sally: That was pretty obvious, too.
Harry looked at each of the House tables his eyes finally falling
on the slytherin table. Malfoy was trying to find where to sit, but as he approached
each person they glared at him or put their bag on an open seat. Harry knew how
that felt. What Lee had said on the train rang in his ears.
Usagi (Harry): Owie owie owie!
Maybe Malfoy had changed, but Harry still didn't see any reason
to trust him. He sat down in between Ron and Hermione. McGonagall stood up where
Dumbledore used to stand. The room went suddenly quiet.
(all imitate crickets)
"Before we start the sorting I want to welcome you back to Hogwarts,
and I wish to thank you for coming back at all.
Sally (McGonagall): And Neville, stop trying to escape out the
window. Someone clamp him down?
I know after what..." She paused and took a deep breath, "what happened
last year it takes a lot of strength to come back to a place where something so
unforgiving has happened, but you have to know that you are not alone in your suffering
James: Just look to this theatre.
and that you have people who you can talk to here at Hogwarts.
And if anyone needs someone to talk to come talk to me.
Leela: Hello, Department
of Redundancy Department, hi, how may I assist you with help?
The password is Albus." Just as she finished he sentence Hagrid
came in with the sorting hat and a line of shivering 1st years.
James: Keeping kids in the freezer again, Hagrid?
He put the hat on the stool in the front of the room. The hat's
eyes opened and the rip that was his mouth began to move.
All (Sorting Hat): I'll eat myself if I have to sort one more
goddamn Mary Sue!
"Big changed have come in past
But it's the friendships that make things last
Lance: Here's a little story we got to tell about six
bad muthas you know so well!
Sally: We got Mr. Bass and Usagi, Leela, James, Cecil, and me,
Accept the losses that you've faced
Take things for what they are
A new start
A time to begin again
A time to mend
I may be old you see
But my mind is as sharp as my wit
Safe you will be
If you will see
That forgiveness is key
Sally: We read these fanfics all day and night! We smack
them down with comedic might!
Lance: We all get funky and break out fat riffs! We only get scared
when we read Ratliff!
So new ones place me on your head
And your future will be whispered in you ear
Just wait and see."
Cecil: And it took him all year to compose that.
Leela: I hate this. I really do. I have nothing but dark and evil
feelings toward this story.
The room broke into applause.
Leela: Gee, Hogwarts, that's really sweet, but you don't
have to agree with me.
Harry and the Gryffindors stood up. The sorting hat was right,
now was a time of change.
Usagi (reader): You mean...things will be different?
Lance (author): That's what I just said, assbutt. It's time for
Usagi (reader): As in, things won't be the same
Lance (author): Yes, but I really don't think that has been stated
clearly enough before now. So. Just so no one in the world possibly misses this
fact: it's a time of change.
Usagi (reader): OK. But things are different now. What's up with
'I just hope that it'll be a change for the better' Harry thought.
He sat threw the sorting with his friends.
Sally: -Right out the window.
Each one of them had something on their mind that prevented them
from seeing who sat at the teacher's table.
Leela: Conjunctivitus Curse?
The sorting hat called out the last name
James (Sorting Hat): "Zinnia Serenity Willflower to Sparklypoo!"
and McGonagall stood up once again.
"Before we start the feast I have a few announcements. Now more
then ever the forest is off limits. I would also like to take this opportunity
to welcome our new transfiguration teacher Nymphadora Tonks." Harry, Ron, Hermione,
and Ginny were snapped out of their daze with this announcement.
Sally: "The author actually spelled that right!"
Huge smiles came across their faces when they saw who else was
there, "I would also like to welcome back Reamus Lupin who will once again be teaching
defense against the dark arts as well as being the new head of Gryffindor house."
Cecil (Noriko): Ahem...that's "Remus".
Sally: Ah, should've known better than to get our hopes up.
The students broke out in thunderous applause at this announcement.
"I would also wish to inform all students 3rd year and up that a couple of out
7th year students are organizing a production of the muggle musical 'RENT', if
you are interested I should have more information by tomorrow evening. Now...
All: Buzz off!
Usagi: Close enough.
McGonagall sat back down and the food appeared.
Lance: Of course, coming up with a reason for Hagrid's sudden
disappearance wasn't easy...
The room was abuzz with talk of the show.
"I think that we are going to have a good turnout." Harry said
piling food on his plate.
"We should go and talk to McGonagall after diner." Ginny said.
"Sounds good to me." Harry said. Harry and Ginny's eyes met for
a few seconds, before they looked away nervously.
James: (imitates Titanic theme on violin)
Harry wondered if things would even be the same.
Lance (author): You and I just said they wouldn't, you dummy!
Now get with the program!
Cecil: A bit slow on the uptake, the downtake, and the all-around
Sally: Oh God, just end already!
Leela: Even the chapter headings are trying to sneak out of here.
(Kurze yew, Creative Writer 2! *shakesfist*)
Later that night the gang approached the stone gargoyle that led
to a room that they were dreading to face.
Lance: Something Ron was muttering about 'Goliath' and 'Demona'...
"Albus", Harry said quietly. The gargoyle sprung to life revealing
a turning spiral staircase. All of them jumped on in silence, each one remembering
the last time they had been there. They reached the top a walked to a large polished
wooden door. Before Hermione could knock a voice from inside spoke.
Cecil (voice): Go away, we're all very ill!
"Enter." McGonagall's voice said through the door.
Harry pushed open the door and they entered the large room.
"I take it your here to talk about the musical."
Lance: Y-O-U-R...Y-O-U-'-R-E...they're as different as night and
day...don't you think that night and day are different?
All: What's wrong with you?
Lance: Ooh, harmony.
she said from the desk. The group nodded, "good. Sit." She conjured
up a set of chairs. "when do you plan to have the auditions?"
"we're not really sure." Ginny said, "we were hoping that you
would have some ideas."
"well I think it would be wise to let the other students time
to settle in and prepare, so how about we have them is two weeks."
Sally (groan): OK, seriously...OOCness aside, I wanna find gordo-girl's
English teacher and beat them to a pulp.
The kids nodded in agreement.
For the next two weeks the halls were buzzing with excitement
over the auditions. Tonks and Lupin, along with McGonagall, had volunteered to
help with the show. The day of the audition came much quicker then anticipated.
Leela: What could have been an exciting two weeks, shortened into
three sentences of rushed detail.
Usagi: And let me be the first to say, thank Kami-SAMA.
The day before the audition McGonagall called Harry, Ron, Hermione,
and Ginny into her office.
Lance: If this were like most other HP fiction, that line would
have me incredibly nervous now.
James: Don't get your hopes up...
"I just wanted to thank you four for coming up with this idea.
I think that Dumbledore would have really loved this,
Cecil: She didn't know him very well, did she?
and that is why I have decided to let you four be the first to
see a new addition to the castle.
All: THE TOHTCHA CHAMBA!
Come fallow me."
James: I thought it was just a typo at first, but the author seems
to genuinely believe it's spelled "fallow."
Sally: Seeing that the a and o keys are SO CLOSE together on the
She stood up and headed to the large door, the group followed
closely behind her wondering what awaited them. They hadn't walked far when McGonagall
Lance: Stepped-stopped, no less. Is that some new exercise?
at a door that none of them had see before. The door was made
from a deep red wood that shine like it had flecks of gold in it.
James: Ohh... pretty... I want one!
Leela: Yes, but what would you do with a brain if you had one?
McGonagall smiled and opened the door and the kids looked in with
amazement. Inside was a real theater with rows and rows of plush red seats and
a huge stage with balconies over looking it.
Cecil: Maybe fics would be easier to take if we had a theatre
Usagi: Anyone wanna put in a request to the Mads when this is
"welcome" McGonagall said softly, "to the Albus Dumbledore Theater."
The four teenagers looked at her in shock.
"you mean", Ron said, "this is for us!"
"No." Hermione said, "It's for him."
Sally (deep sigh): Another author with their heart in the right
Lance: ...And their brain on the moon.
Later that night Hermione sat in the common room thinking about
the thing that was almost always on her mind.
James: World hunger!
Lance: The deficit!
Usagi (Hermione): Eight hot dogs and twelve buns... why?
Usagi: Or Ron.
'I cannot believe him.' She thought, 'He always acts like a bumbling
idiot around me, but won't do anything about it!'
James: So, it's the guy's fault for how they generally act awkward
around girls they like?
Sally: Pretty much, yeah.
she sighed, 'I'm sick of it. I give up! I can't take it anymore!'
Lance (Hermione): I'm not getting paid enough for these fics!
Just then Ron came down the stairs a music in hand. Looking up
he saw Hermione sitting there.
Usagi: Look out 'Mione, he's gonna do a Tarantallegra spell!
"Hey 'mione, what are you singing for the audition tomorrow?"
"you'll have to wait and find out Ronald." She slammed her book
Leela: In his face.
and left the room.
Ron watched her walk away and shook him head. He hated to admit
it but she scared the bloody hell out of him.
Cecil: It's the fic, Weasley. It's been hard on all of us.
He sighed and plopped down in a chair and opened his book. He
looked over the song and then began to hum.
Above him Hermione stood at the landing that overlooked the common
room. She was sick of him not caring while she cared too much.
'I feel too much' she
thought, 'no more!' she turned away with tears in her eyes,
"No more." She whispered.
Usagi (Nabiki): > gasp! <
Okay folks, I need a bata editor to read over my stories
and let me know what I'm doing wrong.
Leela: Do you REALLY want the list?
Sally: Asking for a "bata" editor is the ninth sign of the apocalypse.
Lance: What's the eighth?
Sally: K-Fed's album.
If interested email me at .
All: You're not welcome!
Last 5 years (c) Jason Robert Brown
We will Rock You (c) Queen
Sally: MUD interface, the fic's a disgrace, getting it riffed
all over the place-
All: We will, we will, MOCK YOU! (stomp-stomp)
The Children's Crusade (c) I'm not sure, but it's not
Cecil: I would just like to make the point that
as long as you're connected to the Internet, you can easily find out WHOSE IT IS...
Wicked (c) Stephen Schwartz
James: I bet a wonderful Wicked/HP parody could exist
Usagi: But 50 bad ones have just been cursed into existence.
Cats (c) ALW
all other lyrics don't belong to me.
Sally: Don't make me jump through that screen and tattoo Google.com
on your ass, kiddo!
Leela: Not to mention lyrics aren't even allowed on FFN...
Cecil: All in favor of reporting this when we leave the theatre?
Leela: Lord Foul's Bane.
Lance: For the new rock'n'roll band, "The Screaming Catfish"!
(Sally, James, and Lance impromptu-ly rock out to Metallica's
"Don't Tread On Me")
Leela: Hey, cut that out!
Usagi: That's two experiments in a row now. I think they're losing
Cecil: You just figured this out?
>>[psst, hey, guys!]
Leela: Oh great, MORE notes from the author.
>>[it's Joey! I just put myself in the experiment for a minute.]
Usagi: Are you insane?
>>[I figured I had to do this. A lot of this chapter has whole
lyrics cut-and-pasted in, and nobody reads those anyway, so there should be a remote
under your chairs to fast-forward with.]
(Cecil digs under the seats and pops back up with the control)
Cecil: Hey, great!
>>[it'll only work during the lyrical parts. I'll be on the intercom
if you still need me. Good luck with the chapter.]
All: Thanks, Joey!
The next day afternoon the great hall was abuzz with chatter.
Sally: And an overdose of Fizzing Whizbees.
It was the day of the auditions and it was the talk of the school.
James: Meanwhile, Voldemort's hiding out behind Hagrid's hut,
not that anybody noticed or cared at all...
Over at the Ravenclaw table Luna Lovegood looked around the room
her typical daydreaming look on her face. Suddenly a pair of dark eyes met hers
from across the room. Luna blushed and looked away.
Cecil: You know, every time I read someone 'laid eyes' on someone,
I figure it's literal. Like terrorizing some poor girl in high school by putting
dissected frog parts on her just because you liked her.
Lance: Oh, come on. Everybody did that. (all look at him) Right?
Across the room Blaise stared at the long blond head as it turned
away from him. He shook his head and looked away.
Leela: Let's just hope this author remembers Blaise is of the
darker persuasion as opposed to the Italian persuasion.
Usagi: Mmm. Goodbye fanon, helLO canon.
Sally: I totally picture Blaise looking like Pharrell Williams.
Is that wrong?
Usagi: If it is, I don't wanna be right.
Lance (twitching eye): If you girls are done indulging in jungle
fever now, we have a fic to trash...
Over at the Slytherin table Draco sat all alone reading his music
book. He looked up and sighed. Just then Lee walked past him on the way to the
"Good luck today." He said
"thanks." Draco said a look of shock on his face.
Sally You should feel shocked, Malfoy, he just cursed you!
Cecil (tiny smirk): Theatre geek.
Lance: Because we all know you're SUCH an actress.
Sally: Kevin Gibbons wanna fight? I'll fight.
When Lee got over to the Gryffindor table Ron was flipping out
because Ginny had got detention and was sure they were going to get a howler.
Leela: At least with Snape out of the picture, detention doesn't
take on a sordid meaning.
(all sigh in relief)
"calm down Ron." Harry said
Sally: Second "said" sentence in a row with no period at the end.
What the hell?!
Cecil: The punctuation's getting the heck outta Dodge while it
has the chance, maybe.
"CALM DOWN?" Ron said fuming,
(everyone is shaken out of their seats)
Leela: I thought I asked for the volume to be turned down, not
Lance: I wanna use this theater to watch "Star Wars"... no, "The
Wall"... no, "Big Trouble in Little China"! (everyone gets back into their seat)
"you're not the one who might get a howler! Ginny why did you
"I'm not the only one who skipped class." Ginny said her eyes
Usagi: All the colors
of the rainbow.
Lance: ...What a Sue. (gets whapped again)
"Did you happen to notice dear brother that Hermione was missing
during that same time?"
"What!" Ron yelped,
James: Gee, poor Ron's a broken record.
"why would Hermione skip a class?"
"I'm not allowed to tell you." Ginny said smugly.
"she's not here now either Ron." Harry said quietly.
"what's going on!" Ron said his eyes wide.
Sally/Lance: What's going on?
Lance: Barricades can't block our way-
Sally: Don't punish me with brutality.
Lance (singing): Boys...(barely finishes the melody before the girls
leap in for the kill, and they scuffle for a few moments with the traditional cloud
of dust surrounding them)
Cecil (looks at watch): Got to give him credit, he held out this
Ginny said grabbing a muffin and exiting the great hall.
That afternoon after classes students filed into the Albus Dumbledore
Theater for the auditions. Ron anxiously looked around for Hermione, while Ginny
rolled her eyes and took a look around the room.
Cecil: Which is kinda hard to do with your eyes rolled.
Leela (rolls eye): Ow, that does hurt!
She saw Harry talking to Luna and couldn't help but feel a pang
of jealousy. She hadn't talked to Harry much since they broke up. They were kind
to each other, but something had changed and Ginny wished that things could just
go back to the way things were.
Lance: Just keep hitting us over the head with this, gordo-girl,
'cuz we're too stupid to figure it out!
Usagi: Easy, Lance...
Just then Ginny saw Hermione walk in and she couldn't help but
smile. Earlier that day Ginny and Hermione cut class and gave Hermione a bit of
(Sally breaks down sobbing)
Her once super curly hair was straitened and styled differently,
Cecil: As it channeled through the room and strangled everyone
and her wardrobe updated.
James: So, I take it Hogwarts doesn't require uniforms anymore?
She looked really good, and Ginny couldn't wait to see the look
on her brothers face.
"where is she?" Ron said his back to the door.
"I'm right behind you."
Ron spun around and
James: Shrieked as the sweet voice he thought belonged to Hermione
was actually Voldemort in disguise! Everyone in the theatre ran screaming in panic
as the Dark Lord's tentacles-
gapped at Hermione's new look.
All: SPLIT!!! FACE!! PAY!!! PLASTIC SURGEON!!
"Hermione, you look different."
"That's kind of the point Ronald." She said coldly.
"let's find some seats" Harry said leading a still stunned Ron
to a front row of seats.
Lance (Ron): Duh...girl pretty...
"Attention!" McGonagall said from the Stage,
James: Not just any stage- the Stage.
"attention! Thank you. I want to welcome you all to the auditions
for RENT. Now we will audition by houses starting with Gryffindors."
Cheers rose from all of the Gryffindors.
"Quiet down now. Now Ms. Weasley would you like to go first?"
Ginny nodded and stood up her music book in hand.
"I will be singing 'Still Hurting' from The Last 5 Years."
Ginny flicked her wand at the grand piano that stood in the corner and the music
began to flow.
Lance: Interesting way to get music in here, seeing as music players
and electronic devices aren't allowed at Hogwarts-
"Jamie is over and Jamie is gone Jamie's decided it's time
to move on
Usagi: Jamie sure didn't care about using the Enter key.
Cecil: Fast forward time! (hits the remote)
Leela: Wheeler, you're a godsend.
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide And I'm still hurting"
Ginny belted her heart out. As she continued to sing she looked at Harry he avoided
her stare, but she kept trying to make him see her, look at her. Just so she could
find out what to think.
Sally: Characterization a la Sweet Valley.
(Cecil hits the remote again)
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn But that wouldn't change
the fact That wouldn't speed the time Once the foundation's cracked And I'm Still
Sally (Randy Jackson): Dawg, that was da BOMB!
Usagi (Paula Abdul): You touched my heart.
Lance (Simon Cowell): Absolutely excruciating.
"thank you Ms. Weasley." McGonagall said, "Mr. Weasley how about
we keep it in the family."
Lance: The way HP fiction goes, that line nauseates me.
Ron turned bright red and stood up, "I'll be singing 'Shiska Goddess'
which is also from The Last 5 Years, "so, um, yeah." With a flick of his
wand the music began.
(Cecil hits the remote again)
I've been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss
And the Handelman twins
I've been waiting through Heather Greenblatt, Annie Mincus, Karen
Pincus and Lisa Katz
And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan, Julie Silber and Janie Stein
I've had Shabbas dinners on Friday nights
With every Shapiro in Washington Heights
James: I didn't know the Weasleys were Jewish.
Usagi: Maybe this is the author's way of pushing Ron into Mark's
Leela: You think? (shakes head)
(Cecil taps the remote)
I've been wandering through the desert
I've been beaten, I've been hit
My people have suffered for thousands of years
And I don't give a shit!"
Everyone laughed, and Ron smiled as he continued to sing,
Lance (Hogwarts student): Duh, he said the "s" word! Hur-hur-hur!
Sally: Thanksalot Ron, now this MST needs a PG-13 rating.
Leela: With the commentary
Lance has been making, I'll be surprised if we don't get NC-17.
but he couldn't stop stairing at Hermione,
James: Right on her face, ow.
"If you had a pierced tongue, that wouldn't matter
If you once were in jail or you once were a man,
If your mother and your brother had "relations" with each other
Usagi (to Lance): Lemme guess...like most HP fiction, right?
And your father was connected to the Gotti clan
Sally: That...would actually be kinda cool.
(Cecil taps the remote)
I think that I could be in love with someone
Everyone clapped as the song ended.
Sally (Randy): Now that was TIGHT, yo!
Usagi (Paula): You shine.
Lance (Simon): Nauseating.
Harry stood up,
"I'll go next." He walked up onto the stage, "I'm going to be
singing 'I Sing For You' from The Children's Crusade" The piano started
up as he began to sing,
(Cecil hits the remote, again...and again...)
Leela: Damn, long song.
But love can see us through
Maybe that's all I wanted to say
I will always sing for you
I will always sing for you"
Harry smiled as he finished the song.
Sally (Randy): Yo, the Velvet Fog better watch his back!
Usagi (Paula): I actually cried.
Lance (Simon): BOR-ING.
Ginny felt a pang as he walked past her.
Leela: Then decided it was just the bad muffin.
Lee stood up and sang "Run and Tell That" from Hairspray
Cecil: Which we were thankfully spared the lyrics to.
Usagi: Good. I'm running out of Paula imitations.
followed by a couple of younger Gryffindors who were painfully
"Ms. Granger, it appears that you are our last Gryffindor." Hermione
nodded and got up on stage, I'm going to sing 'Somebody to Love' from We Will
All: ...(bang their heads against the armrests)
She flicked dhe wand at the piano,
Sally (grabs Cecil's wrist): Wait, don't hit the remote yet.
Sally: Just checking.
"Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet (take a look at yourself)
Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord, what you doing to me
I spent all my years to believe in you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord
Somebody (somebody), ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love"
Lance: Somebody find me some faith in humanity, please.
Leela: Special thanks to the 'copy' and 'paste' commands for making
this fic possible, huh?
Usagi (to herself): How do you sing parentheses?
Hermione sang her heart out and avoided Ron's gaze,
"I work hard (she works hard)
Every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my broken heart all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray (praise the lord)
Cecil: James Brown you are not, 'Mione.
Till the tears run down from my eyes (oooh)
Oh somebody (somebody), ooh somebody (somebody)
Usagi: Well. At least it's not repetitious.
Can anybody find me somebody to love
I try and I try and I try
James: She's stuck in a loop! Someone whack her on the head!
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
Sally: Just smile, nod...and call St. Mungo's.
They say I got a lot of water on my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing!)
I'm OK, I'm all right (she's ok - she's all right)
And I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell (prison cell)
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!
(Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Lance: Are my songs this repetitious?
Usagi (trying to be diplomatic): Uh. Sometimes?
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me oh...
(somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody
Somebody find me
Cecil: Let me guess. Somebody to love?
somebody to love)
Cecil: Thought so.
Can anybody find
me somebody to love
Somebody to love!"
James: She needs someone to love. Because loneliness is bad.
Usagi: Repetition can be bad.
Lance: Drugs are bad. M'kay?
"thank you Ms. Granger." McGonagall said nodding her head
Sally (Randy): Yo-yo-yo-yo what up, DAWG?
Usagi (Paula): Your passion amazes me.
Lance (Simon): You and that song go together like chocolate ice
cream and an onion. Next!
"Next we'll have the students from Hufflepuff followed by Ravenclaws."
Leela (McGonagall): We would've have the Sparklypoo house audition
after, but it was Dragon-Slaved last night.
As the hufflepuff's went Luna tried to control her nerves. She
knew she could do this, so why was she feeling so frazzled.
Cecil: Because she forgot her question mark?
Actually she did know, but she wasn't about to admit to herself
that she liked him.
Lance (flat): Wow. The way she paints the scene it's like I'm
actually there, feeling the emotion.
"Now who haven't we seen from Ravenclaw? Ah Ms. Lovegood." McGonagall
Luna took a deep breath and began to sing with the piano.
Sally (Luna singing): BACK IN FREAKIN' BLAAAAACK!
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
Usagi: She had the CATS credit at the start, guess she had to
justify it sometime.
Lance: It's a good song to sing, it just doesn't have the same
impact in written form.
(Cecil taps the remote)
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again"
She swayed back and forth as the music continued and became
James (Luna): Look into my eyes, you are getting sleepy...
(Cecil taps the remote)
The street lamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning"
The music pounded and she belted the last part to the back
of the room,
Sally: Just in case nobody could hear, donchaknow.
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
A new day has begun"
She hit the last high note with ease finishing the song.
Lance (rubs temples): Now I'm really starting to sympathize with
As Luna sat back down McGonagall, who looked like she was enjoying
herself, said "Slytherin."
Blaise stood up, "I'll go." As he walked past Luna he winked.
Her eyes widened before she looked away embarrassed.
Leela: Can't exactly say I blame her.
James (shakes head): Chopped liver...
"I will be singing 'Dancing Through Life' from the Muggle show
Usagi: You mean it's not a Slytherin show?
(Cecil hits the remote control)
He finished the song with a smirk, and went back to his seat.
From the back of the room he watched his former friends audition, their arrogance
as clear as the day before them.
Lance: Spoken like a true Slytherin.
He couldn't help but smirk when pansy sang a very off key version
of "whatever Lola wants". The smirk fell off his face when remembered that he used
to be like these people.
Cecil: And that he'd suddenly been made OOC as hell.
"well" McGonagall said, "if that's everyone..."
"it isn't." Draco said standing up.
McGonagall smiled and nodded. Draco walked up on stage and flicked
his wand without saying a word,
Sally: Take away the sensation inside...
"Is this the real life?
Sally: Bittersweet migraine in my head...
Is this just fantasy?
Sally: It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind...
Caught in a landslide
Sally: I can't take this feeling anymore...
No escape from
James: The theatre.
James: Close enough.
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
Cecil: Poor boy, no. Needing no sympathy? Yes.
Lance: I'm getting the most hideous image of Draco in a checkerboard
spandex suit now.
Because I'm easy come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Lance: Lucky bastard! He's out of the fic!
Leela (man): I am damn dissatisfied to be killed in this manner.
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Sally: Take the pressure from the swelling, hesitations overwhelming,
give a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright, tell me Jimmy I won't
feel a thing, so give me Novocaine...
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Leela: Take us with you! Take us with you!
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo - (anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all"
Cecil: You and me both, Draco.
Sally: So give me Novocaine...
Usagi: Ladies and gentlemen, the Novacaine Rhapsody sketch!
Thank you very much, let's give her a hand!
Lance: (mutters) Like American Edit needs any more plugs...
Some people clapped most just stared in shock.
Leela (Hogwarts student): Dude?
James (Hogwarts student 2): Yeah?
Leela (Hogwarts student): ...Hold me.
Draco breathed a sigh of relief as he took his seat.
"I will post the cast list in the common room tomorrow morning.
Our first read through will take place the following day. Thank you all for coming.
All of the students filed out of the theater. There was a sort
of silence among the group of Gryffindors. The auditions revealed more then they
had expected, and something inside all of them said that a big change was ahead.
They were right.
Sally: Ohmifreakingod that is it. JOEY!
Joey (over intercom): What?
Sally: I can't take this. I can't read any more. I won't read
another awkward copy-paste-of-lyrics, I don't care what kind of changes lie ahead
for Hogwarts. The madness ends here, I concede defeat to Malachite!
Cecil: Amen, m'lady! No more punctuation mistakes. No more foul
grammar. No more sloppy dialogue. I can't take it any more.
Usagi: Joey, I don't care what kind of kicks this is giving you.
It ends here.
Lance: Sorry, J. I agree with them. Regular OOCness we can handle.
Torturing us for another minute with this fandom rapeage is just plain cruel.
Leela: Don't stop us, Wheeler! I'm feeling almost homicidal right
now, and I'll-
Joey: Guys! Relax, would ya? It's over.
Joey: That's all there is. No more story. It's over.
Usagi: You mean...that's the end?
Joey: I dunno. There's no more chapters to scroll, and it hasn't
been updated since February. I think it's a dead fic.
Lance: THAT WAS THE END? God, I hate this more than ever.
James: Can we just go? Please?
Joey: Yeah. Sorry, guys. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
(the theatre doors open and the crew makes their escape, grumbling
and groaning some words that just barely slide by the censors...)
AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE...
(feel free to hum the closing theme as the credits roll)
>>"So" Harry said, "it's decided. Hogwarts is going to do a
Cecil (Dumbledore): Over my dead body!...Hey, wait a minute...
KEEP CIRCULATING THE FANFICS...
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